starlight - jaylor AU

baby its cold outside

- Taylors Pov -

«How are you feeling about the kiss with harry now Taylor?» My therapist says over video chat. What happened yesterday still stings so I am happy to have a therapy session today.

«I feel dirty. And it feels like I cheated on Joe even though he saw I didn't play a voluntary part in it» I say honestly. Joe has reassured me that it's not my fault, our other two friends said the same thing, but I can't help how I feel. Having his lips against mine felt so wrong and I struggle with wiping the feeling of his lips away. It's like they still linger there a day later.

«Let's say a girl made a move on Joe without his consent. Forced a kiss against his lips. Would that be cheating on you if you saw it with your own eyes that he didn't participate» she asks, and I shake my head «No because he can't control how the people around him act. If he didn't consent it couldn't be cheating. I would feel like crap though»

«Exactly, so why is it that there are different rules for you? If the roles were reversed you wouldn't count Joe as a cheater, so why are you?» She makes an excellent point; I just feel like I'm a horrible person anyway. Because I did have a relationship with harry before, and I feel guilty for how he is feeling right now. He wants me back so desperately that he would do something like this, so I can't help but pity the boy I used to know.

«I guess I just think it's different because I know harry better than anyone here. Growing up we were attached at the hip and told each other everything. The look on his face.... I saw the desperation and the pain. He didn't even have to say it, I knew what was happening. He saw me slipping out of his grasp and he grew desperate to keep me close. I'm so angry with him, but I can't help but feel bad about being mad too»

for my friends its different, they don't understand the history I have with harry. He was always there for me no matter when or where, I could count on him for everything, just like he could count on me. its childish but when we got together, we swore that our friendship would never end regardless of if it didn't work out. Harry said we were meant to be, that we would get married and have children one day, but I made him promise that I wouldn't lose him if we didn't work out. I only had one friend, and the idea of losing that because a romantic connection didn't work out would crush me. Once again, I would be left all alone and I remembered how lonely that is. I had my parents and my brother, but it's different with someone that has no genetic obligation to care about you.

«You keep saying that you know him, but does he know you anymore? Does he listen to what you're telling him? Because a friendship goes both ways, right? That's what you used to tell me about him, that you two had an understanding where you could count on one another» she says, and I bite my lip and look away from the screen. «After... after we broke up things changed. I know he didn't listen to what I was saying, but he was still him, just a wounded version of himself»

«I know what he did was wrong, and I know that we can't be friends anymore, at least I don't think it will work out. I think it's for his own good that I need to pull away. Being around me probably confused him; it gave him hope that was never really there for him to hold onto. And then he had to see me with Joe, and I know that hurt him. Being around me was hurting him, and it took something like this to make me see that. And I can't help but feel bad about that too»

For him to see me with Joe must have been painful. At least it would be for me if I saw someone I loved in the arms of someone else, especially unclose. The wound I left on his skin when I broke up with him was opened over and over again, it never got the chance to heal. I wish we could have what we had before we got together, I miss that version of him, but I know that won't happen. I can't get him back, and that suck.

«Letting him go is hard, but I know its.... I can't keep him» I mumble so quietly I don't even know if she heard me. It's like going through the breakup again, even though we haven't been together since before summer break. Back then it also hurt when I let him go, but this feels like everything is coming full circle, that it's really over. I tried to stay friends, but that didn't work for us, and I don't want to cause him more pain.