Forever with you | ashtray

CHAPTER SEVEN

italics is narrated
Bold is messages

let's take a step back shall we, let me rewind...

it's not like i was physically abused, or had a shortage of clean water, or was molested by a family member. so explain this shit to me.

i don't remember much between the ages of eight and twelve. just that the world moved fast and my brain moved slow.

and every now and then, if i focused too closely on the way i breathed...i'd die

until every second of everyday you find yourself trying to outrun your anxiety.

and quite frankly i'm just fuckin exhausted.

at some point you make a choice, about who you are and what you want.

we all start somewhere right, that's how all the drug addicts started, some started with marijuana, prescribed medication,  opiates, and other shit wanting something stronger till they eventually tried it all. i sneaked prescribed Xanax from my mom, but that's not where i started.

just like that a a middle class childhood in an American suburbs.

i just showed up one day without a map or a compass. or to be honest anyone capable of giving iota of good fucking advice.

And i know it might all seem sad but guess what?

i didn't build the system, nor did i fuck it up.

snorting, drinking, drinking, snorting, smoking that's how parties where for me.

and then it happens.

that moment when your breath starts to slow, and every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have, and everything stops.

your heart,

your lungs,

then finally your brain.

everything you feel, and wish, and want to forget, it all just sinks.

then suddenly, you give it air again, give it life again.

i remember the first time it happened to me. i got so scared i wanted to call 911. go to the hospital and be kept alive by machines and apple juice.

but i didn't wanna look like an idiot, i didn't wanna fuck up everyone's night.

then over time, it's all i wanted; those two seconds of nothingness.

i spent a good portion of the summer before junior year in rehab.

it was the end of summer, the week before school started.

i had no intention of staying clean.

and jules had just moved to town.
*****
                                             (Rue's pov)
"there's some new girl in town that i think you gonna be friends with." fezco said to me.

he's sitting on a white lawn chair while i stand across from him. outside of his store.

"who?" i questioned him

"shit ion know. she came in lookin all sailor moon n shit, i'm thinkin to myself  looks like someone rue would hang out with." he responded.

which was sorta like a dead-on observation for fezco, who's not normally revolving in the same direction as planet earth.