Forever with you | ashtray

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

italics are narrated
Bold is messages

jules preview-

when jules was eleven years old, her mother took her on a road trip.

he was actually really sweet though, they talked for over an hour, and then later jules realized she hadn't lied once.

After the session they wanted to give her a tour of the unit.

it was around then when jules thought she had enough of the tour.

and that's when jules realized, this wasn't a tour at all.

it was an elaborate plan to admit her to a fucking psychiatric hospital.

during the ensuing struggle jules accidentally scratched an RA across the face, which she felt really guilty about.

but quickly that guilt turned into anger.. and that anger, turned into defeat.

the truth was jules hated herself.

she hated how her brain worked, the way it would get stuck on a thought, like choking.

and it would just play on a infinite loop, until she couldn't think, or breathe, or stand to be alive.

she didn't just hate her brain though.

she hated her body,

not every part just her shoulders.

and her arms

and her hands

also her chest

her stomach

her thighs

her knees where the worst

plus her ankles

and her big, stupid fucking feet.

she hated her life, not because it was bad, but because when you hate your brain and your body, it's hard to enjoy the rest.

so, jules developed a few coping mechanisms.

None of them healthy, and a few scary enough to land her in..

Eventually jules got better, and came home.

but her mom got worse and went away

and her dad quit his job to be closer to home.

which she liked cause she loved her dad

by 13 she started to transition.

And by 16 jules had gotten a little slutty.

and every guy was the same

cis, white, married, engaged, long term relationships, and always always 'a hundred percent straight'

some were sweet.

some were weird

and a few were aggressive

and whenever anything got too uncomfortable...

..jules would just imagine that she wasn't really herself.

and this wasn't really her life.

she was just a character in a book or movie or a show.

that none of it was real, and if it was, how did it matter?

it's not like her body really belonged to her in the first place.