The Familia. (ZeRoyalChaos TOS fanfiction)

I'm so lost...

His hand wrapped around my fist, and he didn't look pleased. It was a rare occasion to catch him with any expression other than a smile, but it wasn't pleasant.

He closed his eyes for a second as if regaining his calm, and when he spoke it was low and angry, "Why?"

I pulled back my arm, and stood there for a second. I wasn't sure how to respond. Hit him again, or in fact actually hit him this time. I can't agree here, don't fuck with him again.

"You made me angry." I stated, not sure of what else to say.

"Yes, well now I'm angry too. Jealousy isn't a good look for you." His face started to relax, and then fall back into his annoying grin.

"I'm not jealous. Why would I be?"

"Because Steven ran from you, to me. We're friends you know? He's letting me stay here and everything."

"That's very nice. I need to talk to him. Now." I was being brief and harsh, and completely failing to hide the obvious jealousy. Why can't you just hurt Max? He deserves it, he's purposely fucking with us. I admit that he's being a dick, but violence is not the answer.

"I'll go get him then. Come inside and wait." Max instructed, jogging off up the stairs.

I stepped into the house and shut the door. I was alone for a minute or two, and I heard some mumbling from upstairs. Eventually they both re-entered the room. Steven looked upset and unwilling, whereas Max seemed as joyous as ever.

"Can we speak alone, Steven?" I asked, feeling more vulnerable than ever.

He watched me for a second and shifted on the spot. "Why can't Max stay?"

"We don't get along, and more importantly I came to talk to you." I pleaded.

"Fine. Okay." Steven finally gave in and nodded to Max, who nodded back and wandered up the stairs.

When it was just us two I was ready to speak, and I moved closer to him. "I'm sorry Steven."

"For what?"

"Playing with your feelings, taking your gun. I came to return it." I took the gun from my coat and handed it over.

"It's fine. Is that all you wanted?"

"I guess so... Are we still okay?"

"I guess so."

He clearly didn't want to speak to me, and it made me feel guilty. I want to hold him and explain all of this, but I can't. Everything I've done was for a good reason, but it always backfires. At this point I'm so lost, and I never know what to do, or what's going on. I'm a risk to everyone around me, especially him, and I think it would have been best for me to not re-enter his life. I had no idea what to do, and so I went to leave.

I paused at the door and turned back to him, "I was wondering if you want to come to the wedding?"

His head shot up, as if he wasn't listening before and had only just started to.

"W-w-what wedding?" He stuttered.

"Me and Laura's. It's close friends only."

"Oh... No. No thanks."

"Alright... I just wanted you there for support... I can't really explain everything to you, I wish I could Steven, it's just too complicated."

"Why can't you tell me?"

"Like I said, it's complicated. There's too much to get involved in, and to leave you out is the best protection... Speaking of protection, stay away from Max. He is dangerous."

"He is my friend."

"He is a psychopathic freak who wants me dead-"

"I know."

"You know?"

"He told me already, though it's not much of a plan."

"So... You want me dead too?"

"No. I'm protecting you, I made sure not to vote guilty. We might not be on the best of terms but I'm not going to murder you. Whatever you're feeling about me doesn't matter, because I know how I feel. I respect you and your choices, as stupid as they may be, and you're still my friend."

I was left speechless, and the temptation to kiss him was growing, but I didn't act on it. The silence quickly became awkward, and so I left.
You really must care about him to bring up your fucking wedding. I'm sure he's so happy that you're marrying a woman, and its going to be so easy to explain you're not straight. You should just tell him the truth, he will understand.

I ignored the voices and trailed back to my house. I'm so lost.

I'm just so lost.

I wandered in and then up to my bedroom, ignoring any thought, because all they cause is more confusion. Shutting the door to the room, I fall to my knees. I can feel the tears coming, and my mind is slowly breaking.

I'm going crazy, and I can't do a thing to stop it.
Do you think this is what your father did? Is this what he'd want you to do?

Any sanity left snaps, and I shout to myself, "HE WASN'T PERFECT. HE WANTED ME TO BE SOMEONE I'M NOT. HE WANTED ME TO BE JOHN... He wanted me to be John... And now they're both dead, and I'm not. I'm the pathetic excuse for a man that survived..."

I hit my head on the door repeatedly, and my mind has turned to death.
If you're going to be this sorry for yourself then you should follow in your father's footsteps. Just man up and kill yourself, it's not difficult. In fact, you should let Max kill you. Max might be just as insane as you, but he's the better person. Just die.
Please, don't. Be logical. I know you feel alone, but people care. Steven protected your life, and not for you to throw it away. Get up, and go and tell him. Anthony.

I continued to bash my head, it was starting to hurt, but it was also drowning out the voices.

Anthony.... Anthony, stop it.

I tipped my head back, and threw it forward full force, a loud thud vibrated through the door. My vision grew foggy, and I fell back, into darkness.

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Sorry for the inconsistency, I've just run dry on inspiration. I still love this story, and all the support seems never-ending, I'm just lacking the energy to write. This chapter is a little awkward, as I started it weeks ago and only just finished it today. I'm not sure what I'm doing with this story anymore... XD