NEGLECTED

Chapter Twenty Two

KEATON ADLER

It was embarrassing how many times I caught myself stealing glances at the clock throughout today. When I didn't have patients I put my head down and worked heavily to distract myself from thinking about Ffion because I knew if my mind lingered on her long enough I'd cancel the rest of todays sessions just to go to her. 

20 minutes. 20 more minutes and then she was mine for the rest of the day. 

I pushed Ffion to the back of my mind, giving my attention back to Madeline as she talked about the tragedies of her life. Sometimes I loved my job. Knowing I was there helping people and not making them worse meant something to me, but it also weighted down on a person. Heavily. 

It never got easier listening to women talk about being sexually assaulted, or young men asking what the point of life was and why they should even bother. Not a single second of my job was easy breezy and while I liked a challenge, it didn't like it at the expense of an individuals mental health. 

"Sometimes..." Madeline mumbled, staring down at her hands in her lap. She twisted her thumbs around themselves, not daring to look up at me as she opened up. "I wonder how every one around me would react if one day I just wasn't here anymore." 

These were the conversations I hated. When I'd get a little peak into someone's mind and saw them question themselves and their place on this earth. It was my job, but I fucking hated it. 

"And what answer do you come up with?" I questioned, wanting to hear Madeline's opinion of her loved ones perspectives before I gave her mine. She huffed, her bottom lip quivering as a single tear fell down her cheek. 

"Relief. I think they'll be relieved not having to worry about and deal with me" Madeline was a sweet young twenty year old who'd been abused by an ex for years before her family found out and called the cops. Throughout those years with her ex he'd mentally and physically abused her so bad it lead her to depression and questioning her worth on earth. 

"You want to know what I think?" I asked, Madeline slowly looking up at me and nodding her head, another tear falling at the action. 

"Relief is a good word, but not for your situation. When your family found out about what Jake was doing to you? Now that was relief. Relief that they had finally found the source of your sadness and were able to dispel it from your life" Madeline's eyes watered as she stared at me from across the table. 

"If your family woke up one day and realised you weren't with them anymore, it'd break them. And not just for a little while, but forever" The way Madeline's eyebrows relaxed slightly let me know she was listening to me, and that's all that mattered. That she listened and took it on board. My chest squeezed in on my heart at the sensitive topic. 

"They would feel like it is their fault. They'd spend the rest of their lives asking what they could've done better, wishing they would've noticed the signs sooner" Madeline's tears fell faster, pushing me to grab the tissue box and and it to her. 

"Your family would fall into a deep depression and you'd be surprised how many of them would soon end up having similar thoughts to yours. They'd ask themselves what the point of living was if you weren't there to do it with them" Breathing became hard as old memories and feelings invaded my brain. 

"Why haven't you taken your own life already?" I asked, Madeline's eyes widening in shock at my very blunt very straight to the point question. I had a reason. 

"W-Wh-I don't know, cause it feels selfish."

"It's not selfish, it actually takes a considerable amount of courage to take your life. But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill themself" Madeline's tears slowly stop falling from her eyes as she clears her throat. She sits forward as if she thinks being closer will help her hear and take in every word I say more. I sat forward a little bit, softening my voice as I spoke to the broken woman in front of me.