The secret ingredient

Chapter 20

I'm only dreaming. I'm dreaming. This isn't real. This. Is. A. Fucking. Nightmare.
My arm starts too hurt from all the pinching I've been doing to myself. I want to wake up from this nightmare, but I'm starting to realise that this is all real. I am living in a nightmare and I'm stuck in it forever.

When Elijah brought me to my apartment last night, all I heard was him yelling and breaking stuff in his apartment. I heard him say things like ,,I tried my best. I tried to protect her. But it's too late. I fucked up.,, It was all so loud and scary. The walls seemed thin like paper.

Some time at midnight I couldn't even cry anymore. I was too exhausted of the hyperventilation. I was in such disbelieve at one point that I went from crying to laughing like a maniac. It was all just too surreal. I just started laughing until Elijah stopped cursing next door.

I knew he was trying to hide his anger and frustration from me but it didn't work. Wether he was sad or not I would still have cried until I would throw up.

All that matters to me now is Jim. He is the only thing that mattered to me in the very beginning. After my mom, of course. I can't imagine them both.. together.

Something goes off in my mind while thinking about them both at the same time.
The Flowers. The card.

I walk to my kitchen and pick up the note that was sticking to the flower bouquet that Jim gave me that exact day.
I read it again.
,,Look at the Moon and you'll think of us both.,,

But that would mean...No. No. He didn't. I tremble on my feet and fall on my lower back. My shaky hand travilling towards my face to cover my mouth.

Us both. Of course. I told him I always think of mom while I look at the moon. He knows my relationship with my mom and the moon. My fucking second name is Luna.

He knew it all along. Jim already knew. He knew he had cancer and kept that information from me. All this time. Stage. Fucking. Three.

He wanted to leave me just like that. With a stupid note and Elijah. 

Oh my, of course, it all makes sense now. He planned this from the start. The whole thing with me and Elijah.. He really thought this would work up to a happy ending? I'll never have one. Not without Jim.

***

I stand back up and while a few tears away. I find myself on the way to the hospital Jim is in. And I get lead to his room by a nurse. I thank her before walking into the room.

Jim is starring outside the window. Watching a woman play with her child. He doesn't even look in my direction when I walk in.

I clear my throat and his eyes meet the ground. Not me.

,,Look, Daisy. I am sorry. I tried my best to hide it and protect you from all the pain in this world but...,, He shakes his head.

I start to tear up. He is apologising to me for having cancer. ,,I... don't ever apologise for something like that ever again. I'm not mad at you for having it. It's not your fault. I'm mad at you for hiding it from me and Elijah. Your own fucking nephew. You know how shocked I was when the nurse told me that you already have stage 3-,, That's it. There's where I start to break down. Just crying. Trying to catch air. I couldn't say it all as if it was something normal. It is not.

,,I'm sorry, Isabella. I swear on everything, I tried my best to protect your daughter but I have failed. Forgive me, my love.,, I can hear him whisper to my mom.

I never heard him talk to my mother after she... was gone. He used to only talk about her not to her, at least in front of me. But hearing him actually say her name and saying he failed whatever he thinks he failed makes me want to hug and also hit him. I feel sorry. I'm so sorry for him.

I walk to him and hug him. Whispering I am sorry into his chest for making him feel like a failure. ,,You did nothing wrong, Jim. And you won't give up. You will be strong and fight this. For yourself. Not for anyone else. Elijah and I believe in you. I love you, Jimmy.,,

He pats my hair gently while I continue sobbing on his hospital shirt. ,,Luna, Isa and Jim. We'll always be together in some type of way.,, he says quietly.

That's what he used to say when I was a kid. It fills my heart with warmth and I close my eyes, listening to Jim's peaceful heartbeat.