The Christian Newsletter

The Testimony Of Lilly

Hello, my name is Lilly, and this is my testimony...

When I was born, my parents were alcoholics and because of this I was diagnosed with some mental disabilities, including autism and limited use of motor skills, but they never accepted me for it. They were both absent in my life and I went to live with my aunt until I was around five when my little sister was born, and my dad went into rehab. My dad as now been clean for fifteen years and I'm still praying for the same to happen for my mom. 

Growing up I was raised in both New Orleans and in what my family thought was the perfect 'catholic' family. Only it was a facade that we seemed to put on at church and at church only. Throughout my childhood I'd gone to a catholic school. My family and I, would have mass every Sunday, but still at home things were very difficult for me and the facade my parents were flaunting around was very different than what was actually happening behind closed doors within our home. 

I had trouble both at school and home because of my issues, such as academic, social, and motor tics issues. The tics caused me to throw my hands into my face and spaz out and even at times stop talking. During this time my parents' alcoholism and absence got to a point where I started to have hateful thoughts towards myself and even towards my mother specifically. My dad became clean, but my mother has never loved me. Her love for alcohol was too strong and it both captured and stolen all her love so there was nothing left for me, she couldn't even spare an ounce of it for me. 

My dad became clean, but mother never has, and she simply only loves the bottle. It got to the point where she was never there for me, and I'd see other kids at school with their families with both parents and I would grow envious for I wanted it, and I didn't understand why my mother couldn't just love me. I would see the same thing in church, and I couldn't understand why those kids had such loving mothers and I didn't. When I asked questions about it, the other kids would always tell me it's normal to have two parents and it's how God designed families to be. Therefore, I began to feel bad because I thought God couldn't make me in His imagine because of my issues and that it was my fault that my mother didn't love me. 

As I grew older, I began to blame the church and God for everything and one day, my parents decided to leave the church because 'allegedly' the church said something about my older sister. I don't blame the church, nor do I blame God anymore, but I still don't identify as Catholic nor do I believe it was God's plan for me, but I still hope that the church spreads the gospel and that it's leaders are growing men of God.

I ended up 'meeting' Jesus when I was 14, but at this point I was still not fully submitting to God and didn't answer the call until I was 19. 

I honestly suffered until I met Christ (and not the world's 'Jesus') I struggled with intrusive thoughts constantly towards myself. I also struggled with hypocrisy and unfair/unrighteous judgment. That's something I'm still working on. I'm not perfect and I'm trying to see that I'm not perfect. 

During that time, I was suffering with trying to discover my sexuality, thinking I was queer, but that gets confusing because I'm autistic and sometimes, things like gender and relationships can get very confusing for some with autistic (but not all). I want to say I was probably a preteen when I started to struggle with this. It's a little confusing talking about how God helped me through my sexuality, but as I said, I do have a tendency to become confused with things like gender and relationships, but I'm learning right now what God's design for men and women are and God's design for relationships. But I've always been confused about why people love each other or get into relationships and I never understood why men and women would love each other. I was utterly confused, and I thought it was because of my sexuality. I also started trying to use my sexuality instead of God to try and explain myself. Instead of turning to the Creator to who made me to find out who I was and am.

But anyway, as I also mentioned before I became a Christian when I was fourteen but truly, I was only a lukewarm Christian until I was nineteen. But during that time my dad had been living for Jesus and was sober for a while now and because of whatever happened to my older sister (she was 24 at this current time) in our Catholic church, we never went back there. I tried to unhitch any ties to Catholicism from myself and I essentially no longer have any connections to Catholicism anymore. I was attending church and claiming to be a Christian, but I was a hypocrite. I judged people unfairly. Later in high school, I started to try and use this 'queer' identity to explain myself. Sadly, I had no roots in Christ and was full of myself, therefore it lead me running away from God.

Then when I was nineteen everything changed. Last year in late May (around nine months ago) I was at a low point. I was suffering from intrusive thoughts and thinking I was a failure. I was tired of dealing with my mother and her alcoholism, I thought I was a failure because of my academic struggles, and I thought I was stupid and 'ret*rded' because of my motor issues. Whenever I was alone with razors, foot files, knives, or any sharp items such as my own nails, the urge to hurt myself was an urge I could not resist, and I tore my body up. Even to this day my body is littered with scars in which my own hands caused. 

But everything changed one night when I was out of town with my little sister and aunt. One night I was feeling worse about myself then I ever had before because I was in a pit of depression with light nowhere in sight. But that night I found myself sitting in a chair in the corner of my sister's room, she was sitting on the bed and that day was really a bad one for me and I was truly trying to resist the urge to harm myself again. I felt so bad, all I could do was sit there and pray. I remember apologizing to God and asking for help, but as I prayed, I felt this VERY strong urge to pick up the Bible and read the gospel of John, specifically. At first, I tried to ignore it but this urge would not leave! I downloaded a Bible app, and went to chapter John, and read about Jesus. When I read the gospel for the first time, I was so amazed to hear about Jesus, the word of God who God is becoming as a man who came to the world to save it. I felt like whenever Jesus preached or told those parables, He was talking to me! I felt so much joy in the pages, reading the words of my savior and feeling His presence in a way that was so palpable! I felt like all the pain, intrusive thoughts and misery from my life couldn't define me anymore. I felt so light, and I've been chasing my savior ever since.

Anyway, I've been struggling expressing my faith to my friends and family. I've lost so many friends online over it, but in real life, people have told me that I was weird, and, in a cult, they said this about me for a very, very long time.

I've been nervous to spread my faith, but I'm trying to work on it. I did have one incidence when I first became a Christian. It was my 20th birthday, and I knew Jesus for a few weeks at this point and my older sister knew about my faith, and a birthday gift she got me this really cute little agenda thing you use to keep up with prayers and I was looking through it excitedly, but I noticed my best friend since elementary school seemed very uncomfortable about me talking about Jesus. I've been worried for our friendship, but it's been complicated since.

I'm nondenominational, but the church I go to leans a little towards Baptist. I joined the church a while ago and left the Catholic faith, and though I agree with a lot of Baptist beliefs and have Baptist friends and family, I'd still consider myself nondenominational and prefer to not follow any specific denomination. Even on here, I wrote a book about the reasons I left the Catholic church, but I'm pretty happy not believing in any denominations.

Now as my testimony comes to an end, I'd say the thing I wished for the readers to know is that the Bible verse, Genesis 1:27 really helped me through this whole journey because it's a reminder that God chose US to be His image bearers! We are made to resemble our Creator and we are so beautiful; we need to take care of our lives and bodies as well as never understanding the value of what it means to be a human being. Sometimes, being autistic and having motor issues makes me feel just stupid, incapable, a failure and I just need to remember that there's nothing 'wrong' with the way I was born, and I am not 'half a person'. The reminder that we're special and created in God's image is the reminder I need sometimes. 

May God bless the people who read my story and may He use my testimony to inspire others and encourage others to run to God and strengthen their faith.

Yours truly, Lilly.