The Christian Newsletter

The Confessions Of Scarlett

Where do I even start? 

I think I might be either a psychopath or sociopath. 

Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

When I was younger, I was diagnosed with multiple mental disorders. All my life I've been told I'm 'Different'. I hate that word beyond anything. I don't feel 'different', I feel normal. I suppose I wouldn't know the difference, but I still hate that word. All my life my family has told me what I won't be able to do and never what I can do. They say I'll never go to college or get a job because of my disorders. They want me to graduate high school and then just live on Government aid. They want me to have a 'comfortable' life.  I hate that idea. I WANT to go to college and get a degree. I WANT to have a job to support myself. 

It wasn't until like three years ago that my mother finally started to open up about my disorders, growing up I only thought I had three disorders, but she revealed to me that I have up to seven disorders. I have a little bit of everything. When she told me this, I could see it in her eyes, she wasn't telling me everything. I feel like there are things she is still hiding from me and yet I have not tried to ask about them. I think part of me doesn't want to know. Part of me is too scared to see even more things that are wrong with me. You think it's hard to get a guy having a normal mind? Try getting a guy while having seven mental disorders. You think it's hard to tell the guy you like that you like him? Try telling a guy that you have seven mental disorders and having to explain to him that you're not 'slow', 'dumb', or 'crazy'. 

You're scared he'll leave you because you're not 'pretty enough' ? Try explaining to him that one day if you have children with him that there is a possibility that your children will have the same disorders. You're scared of being a bad mom? Try looking into your children's eyes and telling them that you're the reason they have the disorders and there's nothing you can do to help them. 

 I feel no empathy or remorse. I do feel them sometimes but not often. It takes a LOT to draw them out of me and most of the time when I see someone crying it takes everything in me to not just roll my eyes at them because I think they are pathetic. Growing up my mother was always busy with my older siblings and so I was mostly left at my grandmother's house. I always played alone and had no friends. 

As a teenager I would always comfort myself when I was sad or upset. I have talked to myself since I was a child and so I would sooth myself as if the voice belonged to another person. Even now when I cry, (Because now I am always around one family member or another, I have perfected the silent way to cry without making any noise therefore I can cry in a room full of people and unless they notice the tears in my eyes, they do not know I am crying) around other people I silently scream at them to look at me! Look at me! Don't you see me!? SEE ME! Of course, my silent screams go unnoticed, and the person normally never even notices my tear-stained face. I suppose my lack of knowledge on comforting might be a factor into why I lack empathy. Whatever it is I feel like a psychopath.  

When someone gets hurt, I scoff and think they are being dramatic for I have had the same injuries and am just fine. When someone cries and needs comforting, I am uncomfortable and normally just summon one of my siblings to comfort the person.  Physical touch disgusts me and I am not good around children. I don't have many motherly instincts, I can keep a child alive and give them whatever they want, but the mere thought of having to give up my own desires and dreams to rise them does not sit well with me.  I will never be a stay-at-home-mom like most of the women in my family are. I will continue to work for work is my life. 

Sex bores me and when murder is brought up in a book or tv show I don't react at all.

I suppose I am different but is it good or bad?

- Scarlett.