The Christian Newsletter

Unnormalizing Depression

Depression...

Is it a storm or perhaps a wave on an uncontrollable ocean? Does it drown you in its murky depths or keep your head just barely above the water? Do you hide your depression behind a smile and laugh? Or do you embrace it upon your face and beg the world to notice it? 

Does the world tell you it's normal? When you speak out about it, do people just give you a half-hearted smile and give you the excuse that they are here for you, but they truly never are?

At times, do you just grab the sides of your hair, scream, and fall to your knees because of depression?

Take it from these ladies that you are not alone...

Juniper: 

I didn't know what depression was growing up. I was raised in a loving home and so when I would suddenly get sad for days at a time, I thought something was just wrong with me, but I never spoke out about it because I thought I was the issue. 

Sloane:

My sister got married a few years ago and I remember one day, I was in the car driving down the road with my two sisters, Collin (the maid of honor) and Spencer (the bride). Collin was driving, Spencer was in the passage seat, and I was in the backseat of Collin's white car. Anyway, that particular day was rough for me. Looking back, I can't remember why I was semi-upset before they picked me up, but I just know I was upset. Well Collin and Spencer started talking about who the bridesmaids would be paired up with at the wedding and at the time I was really short and so they wanted to pair me up with one of the shorter groomsmen to make the pictures look better but that really upset me because I didn't want to be paired up with that particular man for many reasons. But the whole wedding planning had come at a horrible time because at the time me and Spencer did not get along like normal sisters, I suppose. But I had to literally beg Spencer to let me be a bridesmaid, I have always gotten the silent feeling that, in a way, Spencer hates me. But from MUCH pressuring from our mother, I was allowed to be a bridesmaid. But back to the car scene. I silently cried in the backseat, and then once we got home, (we were all living at my parents' house at the time) I went into my room, shut the door behind me, and collapsed on the ground sobbing, I crawled to my bed and climbed in. I cried for so long. I just had a lot going on, I was struggling with an Ed (eating disorder), and I felt so awful about my body. And having to beg your sister to allow you to be in her bridal party doesn't exactly scream, 'Hey depression you have no business being here.'

Stephanie:

I'm a VERY jealous person. If I see that you have something, I either want it or want something better. I hate having competition, and when I do, I hate that person. I'm not a mean person, I'll never bully someone or bad-mouth them behind their backs. It's more of a silent hatred. I'm greedy, I always want more. Because of these traits, I'm depressed often. I always feel inferior to people, and I hate people my own age because I don't feel like I fit in with them. I feel like they have their own code of living that all of them seem to have been given, and I just don't know it. I don't want to be like them, yet I don't want to not be like them, if that makes sense. I guess I just want to leave my footprint in this world, and I feel like everyone else is living my dream life while I sit back and work without gaining my dream. 

Abrielle:

I've never been allowed to just sit down and process what I'm feeling. Perhaps I'm too scared to even try to. All my life, I've been on the go and never really have had a moment to process my feelings. When I was younger, I would cry, and my feelings would heal themselves, but now a simple couple minutes cry doesn't fix anything. I suppose my feelings and emotions are different now; they feel more. More pain, more love, and more depression. It's not like I sit around wanting to feel depression. It just overcomes me sometimes. I'll be having a normal day, one where I'm happy, and then a couple hours later, I'll grow depressed over something. Sometimes, it's about how I look or what I don't have. I try hard to be happy, to smile and laugh as if I don't have a care in the world but still depression sneaks up on me and before I can even stop it, it's already wrapped around my neck strangling me.

Claire:

There was once a time when I was so depressed I would lay in bed, sobbing so loudly I'm still surprised my family did not hear me. In those darkened hours, I would beg and plead for God to just kill me. I couldn't take the pain anymore. I would never have the strength to take my own life, so I would beg Him to have mercy on me and to just kill me so I could escape the pain. 

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Depression is a consistent issue in my life. A personal situation from my past has lodged itself into my head, poisoning my thoughts and moods. I go to counseling, but I just can't put my thoughts into words. Whenever I try, I feel like I'm complaining. I can still genuinely smile and laugh, but they always fade a little too quickly. Often, I feel like I'm drowning. I feel heavy. Like the weight of the world is pulling me down, dragging me deeper until I can't see the surface. It feels like I have two devils on both of my shoulders instead of one angel and one devil. I wake up every single day counting down the hours until I can go back to sleep. When I sleep, I don't feel depressed. I don't feel heavy. I don't feel anything. When I wake up in the morning, everything comes crashing down again. My advice is, don't give up. It may seem like it's hopeless, but it's not. Focus on the little things, hanging out with friends and family, listening to music, or simply taking a moment to breathe. 

Such moving and real stories. As some of the girls mentioned, they feel like their drowning when depression overtakes them. As a person who has faced countless storms of depression, I know this feeling all too well. 'Drowning' couldn't be a more perfect word for what it feels like to experience depression. Depression is like an ocean; it overtakes us out of nowhere. Wave after wave crashes down on us, our heads barely stay above the water, and at times, we don't know if we'll make it through it.  

Even though depression is by no means a sin, it is a topic that is not talked about enough, it's brushed underneath the rug, and often people will tell us, 'Be happy, it's not that hard.' 

I pray this chapter brings awareness, and I pray God heals everyone who is currently suffering from depression. 

Join us next week where we will be 'Unnormalizing Wrath.'