The Christian Newsletter

The Testimony Of Josephine

Hello, my name is Josephine, and this is my testimony....

I was locked in a cage for many years. The bars were not metal, and the lock had no key. I suppose my flesh was the bars of my cage and my mind the lock. I don't think there has ever been a moment in my life where I have looked in the mirror and loved an ounce of me. My body is easy to change, knock off a few pounds; perhaps even cut my hair. But I can't change what's inside me. I can't take a bucket of water and a sponge and scrub away the person I am. But God can, and He did. 

All my life He was like my shadow. I knew He existed, but I never gave Him much thought. When I was a child, I was a brat. A spoiled rotten brat that deserved to have none of the nice things I had. I hated church, when my mother used to drag me there, I would grumble underneath my breath, pretend to be sick, or even throw tantrums. Our church was either suited for kids younger than me or older people, not for kids my age. Sometimes I would nearly fall asleep, and my sister, Eleanor, once did. 

I was young when my father abandoned me. Because of his absence in my life, I desperately craved any form of love. I wanted to fill this hole within me, but I was just a kid, so I didn't really know what I was feeling. One day, I still don't really remember how, but I stumbled upon porn on YouTube. It was a video of a Chinese couple and to this day I can sadly still remember the video in vivid detail. I remember it so well because I must've watched it over twenty times if not more. On that day the seed of sexual sins was planted in me. For five years I silently struggled with multiple sexual sins. Porn to smut and eventually to masturbation. You name it, I have probably done it. I struggled with all three. I would look up naked pictures of woman on Instagram, read incestuous smut because I craved to have an intimate relationship with my absence father. I don't mean a sexual intimacy; I mean the intimacy in a father/daughter relationship. The closeness, the love, etc. I read a lot of smut that involved girl best-friends having sex or sometimes brother/sister, grandfather/granddaughter, sister/sister, mother/daughter, etc. I think you get the picture. I was just a kid, under fourteen. I didn't realize how wrong reading those smut stories was. I read most of them here, on Wattpad. But also, some on Amazon kindle. I know now why I read those stories. It wasn't because of the sex, no, it was because subconsciously I was craving an intimate relationship with anyone because of my father leaving. I was a stupid kid, I really was. 

It was only when I was older that I became a Christian again. I re-dedicated my life to Jesus, and I'm happy to say I no longer am trapped in the cage of any sexual sins. Yes, lust still attacks me, almost daily actually, but I rebuke it and for the most part never fall into it.

I know many will judge me because of my testimony but you weren't there. You weren't there with the little girl who just wanted her father to look at her and tell her he loved her. That he wanted to actually spend time with her because he loved her, not just to get money from the government. 

I love God more than anything. If God was in hell, I would go to hell. I'm not loving God because I want to get into heaven, I love God because He is the ONLY one who has been there for me even when I didn't want Him to be. He's seen my darkest parts and still loves me.

And if He loves me, then I pray one day I'll be able to love myself too.  

Yours truly, Josephine.