Shades of Kagan

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Kagan Grimaldi's Point of View

I stared at the finished canvas in front of me. This is the blackhole painting that Avian and I talked about yesterday. The same painting I left when Avian and I were supposed to go to the hospital.

Alam kong hindi pa ito tapos nang iniwan ko ito. Balak kong ituloy ang blackhole painting kapag naihatid ko na si Avian sa hospital.

The blackhole painting is already finished when I returned to the studio, but I don't have any memory of finishing this painting. Looking at how the painting was crafted, I knew right from there that it was not my style. Walang lakas akong napaupo sa sahig at napasabunot sa aking buhok.

I counted numbers inside my head. When a good number of minutes passed, I stared at the painting again.

I don't remember when it started. There were times that I couldn't remember what I did or what I've done in the day. There are instances that days already passed by without me knowing. Some people recognize me but I don't recognize them. Hindi na bago sa akin makasalubong ng mga tao na kilala ako, pero kahit ilang ulit ko silang tingnan ay wala akong matandaan kung kailan ko sila nakita o nakilala. And they will insist that they know me but all I can do is to stare at them. There were also times that I would go to places and I will have a vague feelings that I've been there before. I'll just wake up in the bed wearing a pajama that I've never seen my entire life. At kahit mga resibo sa loob ng aking wallet na hindi ko alam kung saan nagmula. Last time I checked, there's a receipt where I ate instant ramen in the convenience store. Napahilamos na lang ako sa aking mukha sa tuwing naalala ko na bigla na lang may bagong damit sa loob ng cabinet ko kahit wala akong matandaan na binili ko ito.

It was horrible. Not remembering anything. It only means that I have no full control over my life. I have never been. The truth makes me throw up.

I felt like I was inside a box, trapped without nowhere to go. I've been in this place before. Much cruel and vicious. I've never been really free. Dahil hanggang ngayon ay mayroon pa rin akong hindi maalala. Some part of me is missing, and that's why I have a hard time knowing who I am, or maybe I will never know who I really am. I want to give up.

I wanted to act normal. Just like what most people do. And since I don't know how, I simply copy what other people are doing.

But my condition made it hard for me to focus. I don't know when it will happen again. I'll find myself in the middle of nowhere, not remembering what I'm doing there in the first place. I'm losing consciousness before I know it.

The last thing I remembered was I was inside the car waiting for Avian to return. Pero dahil natatagalan ang balik ni Avian ay napagdesisyunan ko ng pumunta sa kanyang dormitory. I had an idea where it was, so I walked inside the girl's dormitory, and that was it. Even how hard I rack my brain for an answer, there's nothing. Nothing follows to my memory.

Breathing heavily, I dialed my cousin's phone number. Wala pang isang ring ay sinagot niya ito agad.

"Hey, Kagan. Anything wrong?" He asked in the other line. Faint voices come from his background, but I don't pay much attention to them.

"It happened again, Reus," I said helplessly and stared down at my left hand, now with a smear of black paint. I'm not left-handed. I paint with my right hand, but why do I have callouses on my left finger? This is the reason why I have to live with my cousin, who is a doctor, and not in the main house of the Grimaldi. I am still uncomfortable when considering having a family of my own. The feeling is so overwhelming, and I am not used to it.

I first saw them in the police station when I was seventeen. I was there for three days straight because I got nowhere to go. Not until two people walked inside the police station in a hurry. I was startled when they approached me. She was a middle-aged lady wearing a nice, clean dress. Something that only rich people would wear. Nang magtama ang tingin namin dalawa ay nagsimula na itong umiyak at lumuhod sa harapan ko. She doesn't care whether her expensive dress gets dirty or her knees would bruise from kneeling.