Shades of Kagan

Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Avian Burn's Point of View

"Halmeoni's condition is not okay. Kailangan mong ihanda ang sarili mo bago mo siya puntahan, Avi." Humigpit ang hawak ko sa mga bukaklak na dala ko ng sabihin iyon ni Auntie Helen. I know that's her condition is worsening day by day. Maybe I'm not ready to accept it.

Halmeoni's nights are becoming difficult. And I know that the during the night, the pain is extremely painful for her. Sa tuwing binabantayan ko ito sa gabi ay sinasabi niya sa doctor kung paano sumakit ang kanyang katawan lalo na ang parte kung saan namuo ang kanyang cancer. But I know what the doctor is thinking. It's not like the pain is worse at night. It's just that there is no distraction for halmeoni. During the night, our mind gets quieter, and so the pain is all we can see and feel. And that's the same reason why I couldn't sleep properly at midnight, and I kept on being reminded by Emma. Because there is no distraction, it's just me and my mind. The regret in the past and the uncertainty of the future will bring always plays out in the darkness of the night.

I still don't know how to stop reliving the guilt and the shame, fears, and anxiety I'm feeling. I can't control my mind. It controls me.

"Here's your wages for the two weeks, Avi." She pulled out a white envelope from her scrubbed suit pocket and gave it to me. I said thank you before excusing myself to go to her room.

"Halmeoni!" I greeted halmeoni and changed the withered flowers on the vase. It's a bouquet of Calla Lilies. These flowers remind me of halmeoni.

"Avian, I'm glad to see you." May hirap na ang bawat pagbigkas ng salita na halmeoni. Na para bang pinipilit na lang niya ang sarili niya para gumawa ng ingay. Kung dati ay kaya pa niya igalaw ang kanyang kamay para hawakan ako at ang aking buhok, ngayon ay nakalagay lang ang kanyang kamay sa gilid niya.

"I'm sorry halmeoni. Ngayon lang ako ulit nakapunta. There's a lot of things that's been going on." Paghingi ko ng paumanhin dito. I've been busy without even trying. Mahina lang itong tumango na parang naiintindihan niya kung bakit hindi ko siya mabantayan halos araw-araw. Halmeoni said that it was okay and she understand that I have to live on my own.

Strangely enough, I was always looking forward to assisting halmeoni. Parang ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng mga bagay na gusto kong gawin. Taking care of her gave me a sense of relief and pride. And I want to continue this setup for too long. But then, I stopped thinking like that. It only shows how selfish I am. I don't want this setup to end, but halmeoni is suffering from her sickness every day.

"Where's that handsome man you're with last time?" Napaisip naman ako kung bakit niya tinatanong si Kagan sa akin.

"Kagan? Why are you looking for him, halmeoni?" Nagtataka kong tanong. She instructed me that she don't want to lie in the bed. Kaya tinulungan ko siyang makasandal at inadjust ang kanyang kama.

"Isn't he your boyfriend?" I cough. Taken a back with halmeoni's choice of word. Ang pinagtataka ko lang ay kung bakit palagi na lang napagkakamalan na boyfriend ko si Kagan.

"Halmeoni!" I raised my voice a little.

"We're not in a relationship. I already told you last time." I heard her little laugh. A laugh that sounds like a kid.

"If not, then what's the relationship between the two of you?" Halmeoni started coughing because of her laughter. Naglakad ako agad kung nasaan nakalagay ang pitsel ng tubig at naglagay agad sa baso.

"We're colleagues, halmeoni. We could pass as friends." I said and helped her drink the water from the glass. Halmeoni's breathing becomes heavy. She stopped talking and just stared out the window.