therapy

» portraits

"Class, I want you to pair up with one another. Each of you will draw yourself, simply a portrait. Nothing fancy, just a pencil sketch of what you see in the mirror. Then, I want you to draw your partner and vice versa. You're not allowed to show each other the drawings until we come to school, one week from now, and put them side by side. A visual representation of how you see yourself versus how people see you. Does anyone need clarification?"

Everyone shook their heads and looked around, trying to find someone who won't feed the insecurities that already exist. No one said it allowed; no one dared to tell the public that they didn't like the way their nose was shaped or how their eyes weren't symmetrical. No one said a word yet there was a silent acknowledgment of I understand.

"Hey, partners?" She asked me with a slight smile, wavering.

"Always," I gave her a light punch on the arm.

The next day, she stared at herself in the mirror, a look in her eyes spoke of a story that only she could hear. Her eyes told a story-screaming, pounding in her skull all without saying a word. She took a breath and picked up the pencil, drawing the shape of her face, filling in the wrinkles and creases. Drawing the baby hairs and the split ends. The bags underneath her eyes, the hollow cheeks. No plumped lips, no bright eyes. Dullness.

The next day, I remembered her face-how she had a mixture of blue hues in her eyes, all represented by the darkening and lightening shades of pencil strokes. How her hair framed her face; how she had a dimple on her right cheek when she really smiled. How she had small creases at the edges of her eyes when she smiled.

And so, when a week passed without her ever placing a glance at my portrait of her, we finally put them side by side. Hers looked ghostly, barely existing. As if she had taken her corpse after years of no air and bam, drew it. That was not her. How could that ever be her?

She looked at my portrait and bit her lip. "That's me?"

"Yeah, that's how you look right now."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you're pretty. I don't know who you were drawing but that sure isn't you. Did you know that you have small creases near your eyes when you smile? I know you're really smiling when I see them. I know you're really happy when you laugh and your eyes get brighter."

"Hm."