chasing happiness

chapter nineteen: a taste of regret

I woke up the next morning to find myself alone in bed. It took me a few minutes to remember where I was. It was apparent I had, at some point, blacked out the night before. I slowly decided to sit up when I came to my attention I did not have a shirt on, or any clothes for that matter. Naturally I began to panic. But I was in my own bedroom. This was indeed my house. The only extremely hard part about this came from the fact I had no idea what happened the night before. With time bits and pieces started coming back to my relief.
I was at Adams show. There was an after party. I got drunk. Really drunk. Adam probably took me home. Who else would? Apparently we got on in bed. And apparently I had no say in the matter. Tears sparked my eyes. What had happened? Unintentional love-making, yes. But what else? I felt so mad at my self. Why did I let this happened. I tried hard to hold back my tears but the idea of me doing who knows last night terrified me into doing so. Why was I crying? I had no idea what happened and I felt the need to find out but did I really want to know? I found a shirt in my closet and pair of sleep shorts. My neck was a nice redish purple. My eyes still stained with makeup.
I walked into the living room to find Adam sitting simply watching TV. Only I did not run into his arms. It was in seeing him, just casually sitting there, that set me off. My tears had dried and I was now filled with a burning anger towards him.
"Hey..." He said hesitantly noticed I was not at ease. I stood there with my arms crossed. He better not come hug me.
"What the hell happened last night." I said harshly. There was no room for sympathy.
"Why, what happened?" He said concerned.
"What the hell happened?" I repeated trying to stay calm.
"Taylor.... You were drunk..."
"That's your excuse!" It took a lot in me not to scream in his face. He stood up.
"Listen love, I have no idea what you are talking about-"
"I think you know Adam." I said harshly backing away from him.
"Taylor no it's not like that."
"Well it sure looks like it! You took advantage of me didn't you?"
"Taylor no, please, I would never-" he walked closer.
"Don't touch me!" I yelled.
"Come you know I would not, I did not know how drunk you were. I'm sorry."
I kept backing away. I felt the tears sting my eyes again. I did not want to cry in front of him. But they were hard to stop. So instead I stormed off to my room. I did not have the strength to kick him out of the house.

I sat in my room on the bed for hours on end. Tears streamed silently down my cheeks until every emotion drained from my body. All of a sudden I felt too small for this room. The bed was made for two, my small frame barely took a third of it. The walls enclosed me from the world outside. The were painted a beautiful cream a color. The color often felt comforting for some reason. It was warm and reminded me of coffee. If only I knew what really happened in this room the night before. I tried desperately recall what it happened and exactly how it happened the night before. I did not want to start a fight with Adam. Truly, it was unintentional. For all I knew it might not even be his fault. I was afraid and lost in thought and I probably could have given more thought to the situation before deciding to blame him for what had happened. I totally screwed up. We just worked so hard on breaking the awkward ground and both of us were starting to actually feel something for the other. Now thanks to me, I probably just threw that all away. Gosh I hope he was not angry at me. And I also hoped he was not taking the complete blame for my actions. I feared for what would have to happen next. Why can't I just be normal? I'm always so confused and mixed up all the time changing perspectives and moods so drastically I leave no time for him to catch up. I have no idea what to do. But what if he had actually intentionally taking advantage of me? Then what. What becomes of that? He did say he had not done what he did with any intentions to hurt me but could I trust him? Of course everything Selena had said to me came flooding back to my mind. If he was indeed who everyone thought he was it would appear that this would be none other than a common situation. It was then I realized I truly knew nothing about him. Only what I had heard from friends and outsiders- none which were completely capable of being accurate.

I spent the rest of the day like this. By the time I decided to get out of bed it was already 5pm. I finally pulled enough courage to get up and go make dinner. I was not exactly hungry anymore though but I had not eaten all day. I walked out to find I was alone. What else did I expect? Him to still be here? Highly unlikely. Plus had he still been here he would have probably checked in on me by now being five hours ago since I saw him last. The thought of him angry registered once more. Maybe that is why he left. I ended up fixing myself a bowl of granola cereal. All appetite was gone. I replayed the events of the morning over and over again. I needed to make up with him. Holding a grudge would be silly. Especially since I was seeing him again in less than two days for the Vegas show. Devilish would not at all be happy if she found out we were fighting. And I could never confess to her what we were fighting about. She would surely blame me saying I was "trying to find a way out of the relationship" and stuff like that. Plus I did not want sympathy, I wanted Adam. But there was something about him that gave off the persona that he was not one to easily forgive. I don't know, maybe it was the way he was so cool. Too laid back. It was mysterious in a way.