June March closed her drivers side door, her body feeling empty and numb as she arrived at her destination. She hadn't felt anything for hours now, not since she had gotten home from Popes, and the feeling of nothing had begun to scare her.
She walked towards the police tape that lined the base of the Hawks Nest, June lifting the yellow tape and crouching under it. She walked to the steps and stared up, her heartbeat quickening as she saw how high up it was. She had never really been the biggest fan of heights, not that anyone really cared or knew...it was a personal fear that she didn't like to share. If she had told someone, she was sure at this point it would have been exploited, someone would have used it against her to get what they wanted. That's what everyone seemed to do to her nowadays.
The small spouts of anger and hurt she had been feeling had stopped awhile ago, again the numbness being the only prominent feeling in her body. She wasn't sure if she could ever feel again, she was worried that she would be in this constant state of nothing forever. Because the last bit of herself that she was clinging to had begun to rot away...and she wanted nothing but to see the other side of this never ending storm.
Her fingers trailed across the wooden railing as she ascended the steps, a calmness in her that she hadn't felt ever before in her life. Being by herself felt like the most relieving thing she had ever felt before in this very moment, knowing that she didn't need support to be here. She didn't need support from anyone. She needed nothing. She wanted nothing. She wanted peace.
The higher she got the clearer her head got, the more thoughts started to slip through the cracks of her brain. She was trying to piece together how she could fix all of this, how she could go back to June March, how she could possibly be anything other than the girl she was now, the one that was trying so hard to keep her head above water, the girl who kept getting pushed back under every time she started to get back up.
She got to the top and felt her breath stop when she saw the gap in the railing... the place where John B and Zach had both fallen. Both of them pushed. Junes eyebrows furrowed as she thought about Rafe, and for a moment she was jealous of him, jealous of whatever Dr. Michael was telling him that made him feel so much better. She had been living a lie ever since she had gotten back from El Dorado. She had been telling herself she could and would get better, she had been listening and actively trying and yet it wasn't enough. She felt worse now than she had before.
June walked to the edge of the gap and looked down, her heart in her throat as she saw how far it was. She wasn't sure how either of them had survived...it was a long fall. She looked up from the side and realized she could see the ocean, her heart shaking as she watched the waves distantly. She never imagined she would grow sick of the ocean, and yet she had. The ocean haunted her, filling her dreams and turned them it nightmares. It was always the same images...every night.
The sinking feeling, the cold, the darkness, her lungs filling with water and then she sees Singhs hand. He's reaching out for her and the blood is looking on his shirt. She watched him fall and the voice echoes in her head, even when she's awake.
You'll go down with me.
Unfortunately for her he had succeeded in this. He had brought her down with him, and the sinking feeling had begun to infiltrate her life when she was awake. She would be instantly reminded of these things, small triggers putting her right back in that cave, right back into the water. She had gone down with him.
She sat on the edge of the gap, the wood creaking beneath her as she let out a sigh. She didn't know anymore what would fix things...she had no idea. She imagined getting in her car and disappearing, but she knew she couldn't outrun what was in her head. She considered just bearing through it, cleansing her life and truly moving on. Her eyes dropped to the darkness below her and she considered another option, her stomach turning as she thought about it.
"I want this to be over." She mumbled under her breath, her eyes lifting from the void beneath her to the ocean again. She knew she couldn't do much more of this and still be a good guy, she couldn't keep going if things never got better. It had been four months...it had been months and things had only gotten worse.
June dropped her face into her hands and let out a shaky breath, the reality of her life looking so bleak. She felt tears swell in her eyes and the most intense pain she had ever had in her chest, her hand dropping to grip at her shirt. She cried out and that was enough, her body expelling the numbness and flooding with everything she had been trying to ignore for months now. She knew she would've never move on, she couldn't...she would never be able to move on from what had happened because somewhere along the way she had gotten stuck, and she didn't know where she was.
Her body felt incredibly heavy as she looked down at the darkness beneath her again, the girl hiccuping through her tears as she considered that option again. She knew she couldn't escape herself, she would always be there, stick int eh back of her head reminding her that she would never be okay, that she would never be okay again ever. She had never felt as alone as she did right now, sitting on the edge of the Hawks Nest. She felt pathetic for crying, she should have been used to it now, she should've been used to the pain by now but she wasn't, and she felt weak for crying.
Her hands shook as she reached for her phone, unlocking it through her blurred vision and swiping through her contacts. However the longer she looked for someone, the worse it got as she realized there was no one to call. There was no one on the list to contact that would understand, no one that would care. She sucked in deep and heavy breaths as she looked down at the phone, her first thought being the one to win as she threw the phones into the trees surrounding the tower. She continued to sob and cry and her chest felt hot and crowded from everything she was feeling.
She wiped her tears and slowly stood, using the wobbly railing to pull herself up. She breathed out shakily as she stepped to the edge of the hole and wondered how her parents could exploit her the way the did, how she could live in a home with people who only wanted to listen to her so they could profit and benefit from it. She shook as she tried to think of the last time she felt joy, the last time she felt happiness and anything other than the devastating overbearing guilt and sorrow that had inhabited her. When was the last time she had felt anything but pain? She searched and searched for it until she realized when it had been...when she had felt even the smallest spark of positivity.
The answer startled her, and she realized the problem she was having had been there for awhile, the loneliness. The last time she had felt real hot was when her and her family had went on a trip to New York for her 13th birthday. When she had gotten lost for an hour after her parents had turned a corner and June hadn't been paying attention, the girl getting an hour of freedom in Time Square...an hour of pure freedom in someplace that wasn't here.
She thought about how she would feel if she had made it to that plane to Italy, the plane to anywhere, anywhere but here, where all she was was reminded of what had happened. This was her first time realizing that she had never been happy. But now she was just fucked up. She was just miserable. She was tired of being miserable.
She looked down again and then let out a another deep breath, her lip trembling as she looked back out at the ocean.
"I can't." She whispered into the wind, taking a step back and keeping her eyes on the ocean. She turned her back to it and started towards the stairs, needing now to be anywhere but here. It made her sick as she hurried down the stairs, knowing she had chosen the hardest decision, the one to leave, the one to not sit on that tower and rot away. She had chosen the wrong choice she was sure, but it wasn't anything new. She walked down the stairs and felt the numbness come back, blinking all the harsh feelings away and letting the emptiness back into her body.
