right where you left me

Chapter 37 - Back To December

Milton Keynes is where I spent Christmas 2022. In January, I did not expect that to be the case. I did not expect that I would not be home for Christmas. I did not expect that I would be going to a near place, for my New Year celebration. I did not expect that Leah Williamson would be my girlfriend. It all felt too surreal; it was nothing like I had suspected.

When I moved to Arsenal, I did so in the worst conditions one could move. I had just broken up with my girlfriend; my father (who I would never call a dad) had just died; I had been hospitalized only recently. But life soon turned. It changed for the better and only because she was there. Obviously, there were still issues (as one can see) but those issues have been somewhat nullified.

We drove up to Leah's family home. I had been there before but I was told Christmas was an experience in the Williamson household. I laughed only slightly as she told me this, not wanting to feel even more like a fish out of the water than I already was. She held my hand as she drove, squeezing it softly every now and again. I could always breathe when she was here. I felt no longer like the villain, but the princess. I didn't feel like the wicked witch, but rather Dorothy (although, that analogy may be void if one knows Wicked (which I do only because Finn loved the musical as a kid)).

Leah explained every family member that would be in attendance for Christmas, from Great Uncles to Great Nieces, to Grandfathers, in-laws, and long-lost cousins. She switched her language up very quickly after saying "long lost" but I didn't care. That was long over now; I no longer worried about that in my heart or my head.

We drove up on the 24th, giving ourselves a day without training, or family. Just me and Leah. It was necessary; it was nice.

I had stopped drinking, telling Leah that we should both go on a 'health detox'. It was just a cover; it worked though as no alcohol, or any sugar for that matter, was nowhere in our apartment. She bought it, and I was glad. I needed her to remain oblivious.

When we arrived in Milton Keynes, at the Williamson family home, I was greeted by Amanda, who embraced me in a hug, before even reaching her daughter. I knew I shouldn't think the way I do, but ever since I met Amanda, I wondered what I did wrong with my mum. I wondered where I failed her. She never loved me the way Amanda loved Leah. she never showed me the care that I saw Amanda give Leah. It felt more one-sided. I gave my everything to my mum and got very little back. The only thing I ever did right, in her eyes, was make Ellie the younger daughter she never had.

And we live with that mistake (if that's what you could call it).

"How are you both?" Amanda asked as we walked in. Two teas were waiting for us, and a ham sandwich for Leah. I politely declined, many months earlier, any possible option for a ham sandwich in the future (I had had too many during my childhood that the thought repulsed me. Leah frowned upon this thought.)

"Tired," Leah said, crashing down on the couch, but not before grabbing the plate from the table.

"She complains about driving, but still won't let me," I laughed, kissing the top of her head, before heading into the kitchen with Amanda. Leah sat chatting with her dad; watching them only reminded me of what I had missed out.

"You okay?" Amanda asked as she saw me watching, peering, looking.

"Oh, yeah," I smiled. "I love how close they are."

"Would be closer if Leah was a Tottenham player," Amanda joked, "but yes, it's better than the opposite." I knew she meant nothing by that but something in my heart churned once I realized I was the opposite. I was what could've been if the worst was to happen.

That evening, I sat cross-legged on Leah's double bed from her teenage years. She was brushing through her hair, after only just washing it. I was flipping through some very embarrassing magazines that she had stored on her bedside table.