right where you left me

Chapter 38 - Growing Sideways

The break was nearly over, and all the girls were returning from their home countries. Rafa came from Brazil, Laura from Austria, Katie from Ireland, and Caitlin and Steph from Australia. When my two Aussies came through the doors, at our first training session back, they brought me a bag of Caramello Koalas and Tim Tams; I was very grateful.

Our first game back would be against Chelsea; it was going to be a tough one. The Emirates was expected to be filled with fans, and we were all excited to play yet another derby at our home stadium. Both teams needed wins - Chelsea and Arsenal. There was more competition this year, with United really showing their worth. They had beaten us that season, and we were not going to let Chelsea do the same. Having the home-ground advantage we hope would help. We needed it.

I had been feeling weak recently as if my limbs were falling apart inside my skin. I felt as if my bones were brittle, and couldn't support my weight. I probably had been eating the greatest. I discovered, through my hours of research in bed after Leah had fallen asleep, that it is normal to lose your appetite when you go through periods of change. When you go from a habit to a new lifestyle. When you go from drinking to not. I was told it was all normal, and that gave me a level of confidence.

But it didn't help when I needed to be strong. I had to be strong. There was never any other option than strength, especially now.

As we arrived to The Emirates, we were greeted by the flocking crowds. Girls, and boys, and women, and men, and everyone in between, were strolling along with their red arsenal tops (or pink, or black) supporting the movement for which we were ambassadors. I saw many Williamson shirts, to which I pointed each and every one of them out to Leah, who sat beside me. I even saw a Jones jersey, and that made me smile.

Leah had the music pumping in the change room, and all the girls seemed ready. They felt ready. Me on the other hand, I was not. In situations like these, I used to go and take a drink. I used to find the most secluded area and fill my throat with the burn I always craved. But this time, I knew I had to be strong. I had to find myself in my addiction.

But it meant the nerves were evermore present. They were beating not only in my head, but also my heart. I didn't feel like I was moving, or progressing. I was just growing sideways. New problems replaced the old. The anxieties were just fueled by new things. But harder things.

I decided to take a brief walk before the game and wandered through the tunnels of the Emirates. I almost stumbled into the Chelsea change rooms, but soon turned around once I saw the blue shirts emerging. I walked down the tunnel, not wanting anyone to see me but me wanting to them. I wanted to see the crowds of red. And I did. Seeing them all, showing their support, and love for us, calmed me.

I needed it. I lived for it.

I made it back just in time for the team talk by Jonas before we lined up. Leah led the lineup, wearing the captain's armband once more. She looked natural with it resting on her arm; her confidence spread down the line, ending with me, who sat nicely at the end, where I felt like I belonged. On the outskirts. Not of the team, but of life.

Sam was across from me, and I gave her a brief hug and talked to her before we walked out. I knew she would be a threat today. She did not want to lose to us. She wanted to show England why she was the best striker. Although I felt she had already proved that multiple times, she never stops wanting to try.

"Alright come in," Leah said, bringing together the group before we were set to kick off. "We do not get complacent today. We do not let them in. We keep our defence tight, and up front, we attack and attack hard. Do you see that crowd? That crowd deserves a win. They deserve a game in which we do our best to show what kind of team we are. We are Arsenal, alright? Let's prove it!" We dismantled before Leah gave me a kick squeeze. She went towards the back, and I was up at the line, ready to play.