Hermitcraft One-shots (Mostly Ren)

Incorrect Quotes Again

Doc walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Ren, I love you but, what the H-E-double F*CK.
Ren, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)

Cleo: We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.
Xisuma: Scrabble? Scrabble's great.
Cleo: Not when you're playing with Joe, it's not. He puts words like "ephemeral" and I put "dog."

Doc: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us.
Ren: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.

Tango: I like to think of myself as a semi responsible adult here.
Impulse: Zed is 70% of your impulse control and you know this Tango.
Tango: I feel like Zed is the more responsible one of us two though.
Zed: We are both 70% of each others' impulse control.
Tango: Just two lil beasts in pinwheel hats spinning on the merry-go-round at dangerous velocities, holding each other's hands so the other doesn't fall off.

Tango: Look, Zed, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and it's Monday.

Grian: Guys, I've been meaning to tell you... Scar and I are dating.
Scar, Impulse, Pearl, and Mumbo: *gasp*
Grian: Scar, why are you surprised?! 

Keralis: *speaking Spanish*
Tango: I know, I know.
Bdubs: You speak Spanish?
Tango: No. I just know the phrase, 'this is all your fault' in every language Keralis speaks.

Joe: Did you have to stab them?
Cleo: You weren't there. You didn't hear what they said to me.
Joe: What did they say?
Cleo: "What are you going to do, stab me?"
Joe: That's fair.

Impulse: Zed won't wake up, what do I do?
Tango: Did you try kicking him?
Impulse: Yes.
Tango: I'm out of ideas.

Cleo, holding up her class notes: And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like "Chipotle".
Cleo, in shock: Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle"?

Ren: Dom or sub?
Doc: I guess Domino's, since I don't go to Subway that much. Don't see why you'd put them in the same category though.

Impulse: What do you guys do when you're stressed?
Mumbo: Try and calm myself down!
Pearl: Sleep.
Grian: Get myself into even more stress, so that the first reason for my stress gets cancelled out.
Scar: I don't get stressed :D

Tango: Zed just insisted that Impulse and I remember a code word in case we're ever confronted by their clone or a cyborg doppelganger and we're not sure which is the real them and which is the imposter.
Tango: Some families have a fire escape plan, but not us.

*when a child starts crying in public*
Grian: *tries to make the child laugh*
Zed: *tries to play a game with the child to make them calm down*
Xisuma: *gives detailed instructions to the parents*
Scar: *cries with the child*
Doc: *ignores the child*
Cleo: *is the reason why the child is crying*

EX: My goal is not to be the best, but to inspire someone enough to one day surpass me.
Xisuma: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT EVERY TIME YOU BEAT ME AT CONNECT FOUR!

Grian: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

Doc: Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, and wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Beef: That's deep.
Etho: That means that ketchup is a smoothie.
Beef: That's deeper.
Bdubs: ...You guys are idiots

Joe: Hey Cleo, do you have any hobbies?
Cleo: Swimming...
Joe: Really? That's cool. I never expected you to-
Cleo: In a pool of self hatred and regret.

*Joe falls over*
Cleo: Joe! Are you alright?
Joe: Is that you, God?
Cleo: What?
Joe: It's just, you sound a lot more like Cleo than I expected.

Iskall: The odds of this happening by coincidence are vanishingly small.
Mumbo: I would say infinitesimally.
Grian: And I'd say teenily-weenily. We all know words. 

Murderer: Any last words?
Ren: Do you think I'm cute? Be honest.

Keralis: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere*
Xisuma: Where did you get that?
Keralis: My pocket.
Xisuma: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?
Keralis: Skills.

Grian, about Scar and Cub: My god, would you two just get a room already?
Cub: Excuse me, Grian?
Grian: You both just keep agreeing about horrifying things and relishing everybody else's misery. So seriously, when's the wedding?
Scar: ...
Iskall: I ship it!
Mumbo: CAN YOU NOT?

Doc: Love makes people do stupid things.
Ren: I love everything!
Doc: That explains a lot. 

*at 3am*
Tango: *runs into Keralis's room and turns on the light* Wake up sleepyhead!
Keralis: *wakes up* Dude!
Tango: *cackles*
Bdubs: *sits up from where he was sleeping behind Keralis* What the hell, Tango?
Tango: *jaw drops* Wait WHAT- 

Doc: Ha! Don't you know the trappers trap can trap the trapper?
Doc: I must be losing it, I'm quoting Ren.

Ren: Doc, you need to react when people cry!
Doc: I did. I rolled my eyes.

Scar: I've invited you here because I crave the deadliest game...
Cub, nodding: Knife Monopoly.
Scar: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is. 

Grian, watching Impulse and Ren fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?
Etho, not bothered by the chaos: It's fine. They're too evenly matched to hurt each other.
Grian: Then... who's the strongest out of you three?
Impulse: Etho.
Ren: Etho.
Etho: Me.

Cub: When you've been on the internet for as long as I have, you develop thick skin.
Scar: Navy blue isn't your colour.
Cub: Navy blue brings out my eyes, you prick! *Chases after Scar* 

Tango: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY-
Impulse: Awwww, you're so adorable! Give me a hug~
Tango: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH
Zed, recording: This is so cute.

Ren: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*
Doc: Ren, what did you think a tiger shark was?

Kidnapper: We have your child
Doc: I don't have a child?
Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off his sandwich?
Doc: Oh god, you have Ren 

Cleo: Here's two facts about me.
Cleo: 1. I hate hot people.
Cleo: 2. I'm a hypocrite.

Zed: Can I have some?
Tango, mouth full of cheesecake: It's really spicy, you wouldn't like it. 

Grian: Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies?
Xisuma: Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials.
Zed: It's like rock paper scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby.
Etho: Rock also defeats baby. 

Etho: I told Bdubs to grab snacks for everyone.
Doc, looking through the options: Why did you grab fruit snacks? Are you five? Who even likes Fruit Snacks?
*Etho, Bdubs, and Beef raise their hands* 

Cleo, texting Joe: I'm a theif.
Joe: Thief.
Cleo: Theif.
Joe: I before E except after C.
Cleo: Thceif.
Joe: NO. 

Wels: I'm sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don't know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It's rude. 

Joe: When I was your age-
Cleo, mocking Joe: When I was your height.
Joe:
Joe: Listen here you little- 

Ren: Doc is not a morning person. Or a night person. There's really only about seven minutes a day he is fun to be around.
Doc: The best part is you never know when they're coming. 

Grian: Am I going too far?
Mumbo: No, no, no. You went too far about seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.

*At the police station* Joe: Hi, I'm here for Cleo.
Police officer: Who's Cleo?
Joe: Ah, you must be new. 

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Lol I hope you guys don't mind all these incorrect quotes