Hermitcraft One-shots (Mostly Ren)

Incorrect Quotes

Scar, sweating: Cub, there's something I need to ask you-
Cub: Finally! You're proposing!
Scar: How'd you know?
Cub: Scar, you've dropped the ring five times during dinner.
Cub: I even picked it up once.

Scar: I've been here in jail so long I think I've lost my mind.
Scar: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months.
Scar: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year?
Cub: ... This is Monopoly.

Tango: *is wearing silk pants* How does this look?
Impulse: Like its slips on and off really easily.
Tango:
Impulse: No, I didn't mean it like that-
Zed: We know what you meant.

Doc: I just heard Ren call the dog a "f*cking liar" because he barked like someone was at the door and no one was there.

Pearl: YOU'RE A LYING PIECE OF-
Impulse: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!
Mumbo: I'm leaving and I'm taking Grian with me!
Scar, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today.

Ren: Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

Keralis: I let my cat drink the bathtub water while I was in it.
Priest: Once again, kind of weird, but not a sin.

Cleo: There. How do I look?
Joe: Like a cheap French harlot.
Cleo: French?!

Tango: My bad, It's a knee jerk response.
Zed, holding Impulse's unconscious body: WHOSE KNEE JERK RESPONSE IS TO START THROWING BRICKS AT SOMEONE???

Xisuma: *Takes a sip of milk and gags*
Xisuma: Oh my god, is this expired?
Xisuma: *Takes another sip of milk*

Scar: Hey, Xisuma. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Xisuma: To get to the other side?
Scar: You were supposed to say "I dunno, why?"
Xisuma: Uh... fine. I don't know. Why did it cross the road?
Scar: To get to the idiot's house.
Xisuma: ...Ok?
EX: Hey, Xisuma. Knock knock.
Xisuma: No.
EX: You were supposed to say "who's there?"
Xisuma: Fine... let's get this over with. Who's there?
EX: The chicken.
Xisuma:
EX:
Scar:
Xisuma: Listen here you little sh*ts-

Ren: Mint is just cold spicy.
The Hermits: ...
Doc: What the actual f*ck is wrong with you.

Mumbo: Yesterday, I overheard Scar saying "Are you sure this is a good idea?" and Grian replying "Trust me," and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.

Xisuma: Where's Grian?
Scar, remembering that Grian got his head stuck in a tuba after Xisuma told him to leave it alone, and that he's supposed to cover for Mumbo, Pearl, and Impulse as they frantically work together in an attempt to free his head from the tuba: ... Who's Grian?

Ren: What is toothpaste if not just bone soap?
Doc: Existence is a prison, and being your friend is maximum security.

Cleo: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

Zed: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.
Tango: The cow???
Zed: ... What?
Impulse: Tango, W H Y?

*The gang when they drop food on the floor*
Doc: Aw man. *Throws it away*
Bdubs: Five second rule!
Etho: Foolish germs, thinking they can stop me!? *Eats it off the floor*
Beef: *Sobs on the floor*

Grian: *pitches an idea*
Iskall, impressed: Huh, there might be something here!
Mumbo, under his breath: Yeah, a lawsuit.

Impulse: Uhh.. Tango just asked if we wanted to...
Impulse: "Fell the mighty before their time and display their carcasses in our homes?"
Zed, not even looking up from his phone: He's asking if you wanna cut down Christmas Trees.
Impulse: Oh, that makes more sense.

Tango: Some people are like slinkies.
Keralis: What?
Tango: Not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
Keralis:
Keralis: Please don't push Bdubs down the stairs.
Tango, pushing Bdubs down the stairs: Too late.

Ren: The Ocean is a soup.
Doc:
Doc: Do elaborate.
Ren: What is needed for something to be a soup?
Doc: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetation, and personally I prefer some meat in mine.
Ren: *Tilts head*
Doc: The Ocean is a Soup.
Ren: The Ocean is a Soup.

EX: I am literally evil incarnate.
EX: I'm not actually, I just enjoy being evil.
EX: Which I think actually makes it even more evil because I'm making a conscious effort.

Cleo: *Bursts through the door* It is my humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die.

Xisuma, about a fight between Etho and Zed: It scares me how many knives were involved.
Grian: There... weren't any knives involved though?
Xisuma: That's what scares me.

Joe: Can you name a single city in Oklahoma?
Cleo: Oklahoma City, b*tch!

*Bdubs and Etho are in Paris.*
Bdubs: I'm...moved. I...I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel...destiny?
Etho: But...
Bdubs: I don't know what it is. I feel like... I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and...
Etho: This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception?
Bdubs: Yeah.
Etho: But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe.
Bdubs: Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION.
Etho: Okay, alright.

Cleo: I'd roast you, but my mom says you can't burn trash.
Cleo: *slow-mo walks out of the room*

Ren: F*ck you.
Doc: No u.
Ren: I'm down.
Doc: You're like 12, what the f*ck-
Ren: I AM NOT 12!

Doc: Hey, random question, what are your favourite flowers?
Ren: Peonies, why?
Doc:
Ren: Were you going to get me flowers?
Doc:
Ren:
Doc: ᶦᵗ'ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

Joe, tending to Cleo's wounds: How would you rate your pain?
Cleo: Zero stars. Would NOT recommend.

Cub: *Opens the door* What are you doing here?
Scar: ... Running away from my problems
Cub: Come on in.

EX: I just ate all of X's snacks. How long do you think I'll live?
Scar: Ten.
EX: ...
EX: Ten what?
Xisuma, from behind him: Nine.

Doc: Do you take constructive criticism?
Ren: I only take cash or credit.

Doc: I cannot STAND your flirting!
Ren: Then sit down.

Scar, in discord: have you guys heard about cats
Scar: they go meow btw. not that you care.
Cub: I care very much, keep going.
Scar: ok so get this they have ears that go △

Ren: *cradles Doc's face in his hands* ... Hey.
Ren: I spilled superglue on my hands.