I can't do this anymore. I know I usually write smut, though I have been writing angst a lot at the minute but it's just how I feel but right now, in this moment I have no hope for a future and I'm putting this hear in serious hopes someone asks if I'm okay, and I know it's not your problem but I just need help. I don't want to ask my mum because all she will do is make me sleep in her room, and she won't bring me to a hospital which I seriously need right now. I know there are already two people on here that let me vent but it feels cruel talking to someone who I have spoken to before and they try their hardest and it doesn't work. That's mean, I mean it might work. It might not who knows, the future. I'm sorry you had to read this, I'm sorry for my existence, and I'm sorry that you had to read my book and listen to all my ahit I put in them, and waste your time reading my shitty book. And im sorry to my mum that she gave irth to me, and I'm sorry I don't like you very much, and I'm sorry to my friend who I say all my problems to, and I'm sorry to my bf who I'm not good enough for, and I don't deserve. I mean when I'm gone, you won't have to deal with my shit anymore.
It's 10:48 rn, and my mum will be asleep at 3:30, that's like almost 5 hours until I end it all. I don't even know why I'm publishing this. I don't even want to, but I don't want to do a lot of things because I second guess them but if I second guess this, I'm not gonna make it. So I'm sorry you had to read this. Also for anyone that's going to say something here are my 13 reasons (15*)
1. My mum scream and shouts at me all the time and I don't care if this is giving away my age but I'm not old enough to move out
2. I feel u safe around my grandad who I see most days, I think he is going to r@pe me and who should unsafe in their own home and where ever else they go with that person
3. I'm a terrible person, who is a loner, bullied by everyone in her village and no one cares about me
4. I'm a terrible gf. I'm terrible at communicating my feelings, and I couldn't help my bf from hurting themselves, and they went and got help and they don't even feel better
5. My mum will never get me to immediate hospital treatment I need unless there is a physical threat to my life due to, idk why the fuck she won't
6. I can't stand being depressed anymore. I get happy for a few hours, then I'm depressed for the rest of the day, and most of the time I'm depressed and either way, I'm not going to get better
7. My stupid brain won't shut the fuck up and make me think about doing bad things to people all the time, that I don't want to do
8. Sometimes I do wanna fucking hurt people. If I didn't learn self control when I was about 5 I would have murdered at least 4 people right now, how the fuck do you expect me to deal with this. I wouldn't hurt someone, but there's times when I am so fucking angry and if I ever lost control in those moments I would kill someone, and then I wouldn't regret it because I would be stuck in the mindset I go into when I'm angry because my brain knows if I went back to the one I'm in rn I would kill myself and it wouldn't want that.
9. My dad, is a free man (for now but still free and he has been for about 3 years) who could, at anytime decide he wants to come get me again and he couldn't r@pe me, or kidnap me. Or both
10. I'm scared of myself, how tf am I going to live when I am scared of what I am going to do to myself. (Not to others I have control)
11. I continuesly am having moments of my own sa's from when I was younger and imaginary potential future ones played by my brain that I have no control over leaving me terrified every moment of the day.
12. Everyone around me thinks I'm a lazy fucking bitch, because I am.
13. My bf wants me to meet them, and I don't. Not because I don't, I really, REALLY, fucking do but I am in such a bad state right now that if I flew over there he would see the real me. And the only person that has 100% seen the real me is me, and I can't even deal with it
14. I'm in pain, all the time. I am disabled and I am 1_ years old and people just expect me to be in debilitating pain for the rest of my life, why would I choose to end it.
15. My mum is like, oh you can tell me anything but whenever I try to tell her she either calls me lazy, says tough shit, or does something that makes the situation 100× worse.
16+ there's so many more.
And to anyone mentioned in this list except my mother, it's not your fault what so ever. Nothing in this story is your fault and if you feel it is from my writing skills, I can promise you, it isn't your fault.
