iris | drarry

chapter 18

As the days passed, Harry grew more and more attached to Draco, which seemed to make him more and more depressed. Every time he found himself looking at Draco in a certain way, or thinking about him, or daydreaming, or literally dreaming, his brain came up with more and more reasons to hate himself. 

If he found himself admiring Draco's hair, that little voice in his head would tell him how ugly he was, how he would never have perfect hair like that, how no one would want him because of it. 

If he caught himself staring as Draco pulled off his coat, a blush creeping up his face as his undershirt pulled up a bit, revealing his toned v-line, he would remind himself that he would never look like that, and would skip the rest of his meals that day. 

If he realized that he felt overly happy in Draco's presence, whether he was telling Harry a story or a joke, he would scold himself for being so happy while other people were dead just because of him. 

Just as his panic attacks had started to become further apart, they started up again, Harry having at least one a day. 

It didn't help that Draco was there all the time, either, helping him through it. Harry had never met a more patient man, a more kind, understanding person. He hated how much he wasn't enough for him. 

"Harry? Are you going to eat?"

Harry shook his head, his head resting on his arms on the table. He had went with Draco to the dining hall only because it was now a rule that he went ever since Draco realized his eating habits weren't the best. 

He felt a hand on his back, rubbing small circles into it. He leaned back into the touch involuntarily, closing his eyes. Draco always knew what made him feel better. 

"Harry, you know what I'm going to say, right?" Draco said softly. He must have moved closer to Harry, speaking softer to preserve what Harry had left of his dignity. 

Harry sighed and lifted his head, his eyes meeting Draco's, soft and caring. 

Fuck, he wanted to kiss him. 

He dropped his head back down so he wouldn't. 

"You want me to eat, blah blah blah. I'm not hungry, Draco," Harry said, his voice somewhat clipped. 

He heard Draco sigh, but he didn't stop the circles on Harry's back. "Harry, I'm worried about you. You haven't been eating a lot at all, you've been shutting yourself away in your room... You have to talk to me, tell me what's wrong."

You. You're what's wrong. I think about you all the time, and it's consuming me. 

I'm not good enough for you. 

You would never like someone like me. 

"Nothing is wrong, Malfoy. Just drop it for once, okay?" Harry snapped, suddenly standing up. 

He felt his heart nearly crumble as he saw Draco's face, how it had dropped as he used his last name. He quickly turned and speed-walked out of the Great Hall, breaking out into a jog once he was out of it. He heard the sound of footsteps behind him, and could immediately tell it was Draco following him.

He ran through the halls, twisting and turning and going in circles to try and lose him, eventually running out into the courtyard. He stopped for a moment to catch his breath, glancing around. He saw no sign of the male, realizing he must have succeeded in losing him. 

He took a deep breath, walking over to a small gazebo nearby, sitting down on one of the benches inside. He hugged himself tightly as the crisp autumn air finally hit him. He could see his breath in front of him, and was shivering in his thin robes, but he just sat.