The Villain Rehabilitation Programme

In which a head in a jar has an argument with a flamboyant vampire

"So... What does everyone want for dinner?" You said, opening up the enormous pantry. It was incredibly well stocked, like a mini supermarket, or a survivalist's bunker intended to last through a nuclear winter.
"Dino nuggets!" Diego yelled, running over to you. "It's just like meat but, get this... It's dinosaur shaped!"
"What are you, a toddler?" Dio scoffed. "I, DIO, am in the mood for a rare veal steak with a red wine jus." He went to the sink, turned on an odd little tap which poured out red liquid, and chugged it down.
"We get blood pumped in from a slaughterhouse so he doesn't get the munchies for us." Kira said.
"Anything a tap can do, I can do better, Lord Dio!" Vanilla Ice grinned, fawning over his master like an obedient dog.
"Don't even think about cooking veal, y/n." Kars growled.
"But it's a luxury meat. I thought that you, as a god, would..."
"IT'S MADE FROM ADOLESCENT COWS RAISED IN SICKENINGLY INHUMANE CONDITIONS!" Kars screamed, his wings bursting from his arms. "I mean.... It's not very ethical."
"You tell 'em babe." Esidisi said, drinking hot sauce out the bottle.
"We're having spaghetti and that's final!" You said, trying to prevent even more arguments. Just then,there was a knock on the door.

"Who could be at the door?" Doppio smiled.
"Is it the pizza guy?" Santana wondered. You went and answered it, to see a blonde man in a top hat with a scar on his face, a blonde woman in a blue dress... And what appeared to be a blue haired man's head in a jar.
"Cheerio! We're your new neighbours, miss y/n, and we're just here to say that we hope you'll be..." The blonde man trailed off at the sight of Dio peering out from behind you.
"Oh. It's him." The woman sniffed. Dio groaned, throwing back his head.
"Wryyyyy! Why must I live next door to my insufferable brother and his insufferable friends!"
"You call me insufferable, yet I do believe that taking another man's body is far more insufferable." The head said, before turning to you.
"I am Jonathan Joestar, these are Erina and Speedwagon. We live in the house with the rosebushes, and that rapscallion of a vampire stole my body when I destroyed his!"
"It's not even that good of a body! All the "important parts" shrivelled up when I put it on!" Dio sneered, slamming the door. He stormed off, and just as you were about to go and start cooking dinner... There was another knock at the door.

"Who is it?" You said, throwing open the door. There stood a blonde man with feathers in his hair (who smelt like soap for some reason) and a brunette man with spiky hair. They appeared to be accompanied by a floating pair of kid's clothes.
"Hi there, beautiful! I'm Joseph Joestar, but you can call me JoJo. I live in the house opposite yours, with Caesarino over here..."
"Ciao, Bella." Caesar said, kissing your hand.
"And our little angel Shizuka." Joseph pointed to the clothes, which moved.
"I'm Shizuka, an' I'm only 6 years old! Are you the cwazy lady who lives wiv the Philly men?" The invisible girl yelled.
"What?"
"The Philly men! The Mexican guys who tried to kill Dada Joseph and Papa Caesar and Mama Suzi! They're bad because if they did that, Dada Joseph wouldn't be alive to buy me things!"
What a spoiled brat! You thought to yourself.
"You mean the pillar men? Well, yeah, I'm..."
"DID SOMEBODY CALL?" Esidisi yelled, running up behind you and pulling you into a piggyback.
"Come on Shizuka, let's go home to dinner." Caesar said, picking up the girl.
"Yaaaay! We're havin' Shrek themed frozen TV dinners!"

You went to close the door behind them, only for there to be ANOTHER knock on the door. You pulled it open, to see a tall Japanese man in a purple and gold coat, and a thinner Japanese guy with red hair, sunglasses and a green trenchcoat, alongside a metal back brace.
"You're the new neighbours? Good grief, let's make this quick..." The taller one said. "I'm Jotaro, this is Kakyoin. We're your neighbours in the house with cherry blossoms. Yare yare good grief ora ora and all that."
"It's nice to meet you." Kakyoin said, shaking your hands.
"Thanks! This job is pretty tricky though." You replied.
"You're just looking after 11 villains. Wha are you, a stay at home mum?" Jotaro sighed, lighting a cigarette. It may have been your imagination, but Kakyoin appeared to perk up at the thought of you being a mother.
"I'm not their mother, I'm their..."
You checked your files.
"Forced voluntary rehabilitation guidance provider and carer." You said.
"Well, see you around." Jotaro said as he walked off. Just as you closed the door, there was yet ANOTHER knock!

"Who is it?" You said, opening it to see a guy with tall silver hair in a wheelchair and a guy with metal arms, Bantu knots and a red robe.
"I'm Avdol, and he's Polnareff. We live across the road, in the house with the chicken coop." The one with metal arms said.
"Well,I'm y/n, and I'm currently rehabilitating..."
"A snotty Maia boss in a stripper shirt?" Polnareff sighed.
"A suck-up vampire henchman named after a frozen treat?" Avdol frowned.
"How'd you guess?" You asked.
"I was the 2/8ths of a murder." Avdol replied.
"And I narrowly escaped being a turtle. Tell your villain buddies to stay away from our chickens." Polnareff said, as Avdol wheeled him away from the house. You waved them goodbye, closed the door behind you, and headed back to the kitchen.

"I hope our new neighbours are nice!" Doppio smiled, dragging Diavolo along with him due to their handcuff. Although it had 4 metres of chain, it was still a hindrance.
"They all appear to know you lot." You replied.
"Don't ask." Dio sighed, sneaking up behind you to eat some dry spaghetti.
"Anyway, I need two helpers with dinner!" You grinned, turning to see that the room was empty- except from Doppio and Diavolo, who was frantically trying to escape.