The Villain Rehabilitation Programme

In which Diego has a very happy birthday

Diego's birthday was tomorrow, and he'd only mentioned it once or twice... A minute, all day. He was currently banging on about it whilst stuffing his face with dinner, not caring that he was spraying macaroni cheese everywhere.
"And I'm gonna have a big green dinosaur cake (omnomnomnom) and a piñata (chompgobblesnarf) and loads of guests and you ALL have to wear green party (gulpchompglorp) hats!" He banged his fork on the table, spraying macaroni cheese everywhere.
"And must we all eat like absolute pigs too?" Diavolo sneered.
"Yes." Diego replied, po-faced. "Y/n, can you help with planning?"
"Doppio, Diavolo, you're in charge of invites. Me and the pillar men will sort out decorations. Dio, Pucci, Vanilla, you're baking the birthday cake. Kira, you two can get food and drink sorted out."
"I'll do music." Kars said with a sneer. "After all, I have the ULTIMATE taste in everything."
"We need to have DINOSAUR music, not music OLD as the dinosaurs, you daft bugger!" Diego said, eating macaroni cheese with his fingers.

The day came, and you got Diego out the house to do riding practice whilst everyone got everything sorted. Doppio sat at the table, drawing decorations with his markers and glitter glue.
"Pretty please Mr Johnny Joestar, Mr Gyro Zepelli, and your lovely prancing ponies. I understand that you have had a wonderful time winning the Steel Ball Run, so now I ask you if you'd like to come to my birthday party. Lots of love, Diego. Kiss kiss smiley face." Doppio said as he wrote an invite out. It always helped to be deceiving, and this would DEFINITELY wind Diego up! Cute as he may be, Doppio had a ferocious streak.
"Come to my fucking party or I'll bite your balls off." Diavolo scrawled on a card to Giorno. Dio would've slapped him for that, but he was currently busy making a "cake."
"Cream the butter and sugar." He read from the cookbook. Vanilla Ice summoned Cream, and sucked the butter and sugar into the void.
"NOT LIKE THAT!" Pucci screamed.
"Good work!" Dio grinned, patting Vanilla Ice on the bum.
"Actually, yeah, that's totally what it meant." Pucci corrected himself quickly, then read out the next step.
"Add baking soda." The priest read. Dio dug around in the fridge, found some flat Mountain Dew, and poured it in.
"Now let the milk chill." He added. Pucci took the milk, put it on the recliner, and gave it a beer.
"Now let's cook it at 400 degrees for 40 minutes." Dio said, not realising that the cookbook was in FAHRENHEIT and not CELSIUS.

"I got the piñata, lord Kars!"
Santana hung an odd-smelling pinata from a tree as you lugged tables around. Kars, meanwhile, was fiddling with his playlist and speaker, whereas Wamuu was putting streamers in a bush.
"Y/n, move that table to the left." Esidisi said. You did so, and he frowned.
"Actually, move it back."
You did so again.
"You know what? You got it right the first time."
With a sigh you dragged the table across the room, just as Kira brought some food out.
"I've brought sticky chicken skewers, fried chicken dino nuggets and loaded fries. All of Diego's favourites." He said.
"What about napkins?" You asked.
"No need, I'll lick those beautiful hands clean any day of the week!" Kira smiled. You shuddered, just as Johnny and Gyro rolled up, carrying a present box.

"Who wrote this goddamn invite? I ain't got a darn crush on Diego!" Johnny yelled.
"It was the one with pink hair." Kars giggled as Johnny summoned Tusk- and promptly chased Diavolo around the garden with it. For a man who couldn't walk, he sure moved fast. More and more guests showed up, just as Diego headed down the path.
"Everyone hide!" You shouted. Everyone hid, some more effective than others as Santana just hid his face with a paper plate.
"Where is everyone?" He asked. "All the houses down the street are quiet too."
"Oh, I'm sure that they're all busy... AT YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY!" You yelled. Everyone jumped out and yelled "SURPRISE!" Diego squawked in shock, then grinned.
"A party! Bloody brilliant!"

"Let's get this party started, bitches!" Kars shouted, turning on the music. His "party" playlist appeared to be nothing but Bjork's "Ancestors", with a few death whistles here and there to break up the monotony.
"Happy birthday weirdo." Mista grunted, thrusting a present at Diego. He tore it open, to find a rock.
"Bro, that is a lame gift!" Narancia laughed, then gawped as Diego gulped it down.
"Basalt, yummy!" He grinned. Next up were Avdol and Polnareff, who got him a "lights and sounds roarin' t-rex!" and some long life batteries.
"Go and show Diavolo." Polnareff laughed, staring at the mobster who was still being chased around by Johnny. Joseph, Caesar and Shizuka were also there, and had brought him a signed photo of Caesar Zepelli.
"Wear it as a mask and you'll pull any girl." Caesar winked.

Diego headed over to the weird-smelling pinata, which appeared to be leaking red liquid.
"Go on, whack it." Santana said, giving him a stick. He gave it a thwack, and it split open- to reveal a load of horse offal.
"DAD-DY! THE PONY IS BLEEDING!" Shizuka yelled, but Diego whooped with joy.
"Raw meat, my favourite!" He jumped at the meat, and he and Santana tucked into it with great gusto.
"I wanna go home!" Shizuka yelled. Joseph carried her off (throwing a brick at Kar's speaker as he did so, when you smelt burning.
"Dio? Is that the cake?" You asked. The vampire gave a terrified "wryyyyy!", and both of you ran to the kitchen, where the smoke alarm was screeching. Dio pulled the blackened lump of a cake out of the oven as you opened the windows. The cake resembled a rock, and you sighed.
"We've ruined his birthday cake! And validation and gifts are such a step forward in rehabilitation, according to the SPW..."
"Fear not, human. I, DIO, will solve this problem... For a kiss." The vampire smirked. You pecked him on the cheek, then headed out to the party.

"WHO'S READY FOR CAKE!" Vanilla Ice called. Everyone gathered around the table, and yet their faces fell as Dio walked past, carrying a blackened lump of cake-like charcoal smeared in green icing and "Dino!" Sprinkles. Diego, however, gobbled his chunk down ravenously.
"It's a rock and a cake! I love it!"
"Can we go home now?" Trish asked, giving the side-eye to her father (who was hiding from Johnny in a tree, whilst Doppio idly poked a dead frog with a stick.) Slowly, the guests trailed off, and Diego turned to you.
"That was the best bloody birthday ever! Can I give you a thank -you kiss?" He asked. You nodded, and he pecked you on the cheek.
"I'm just glad that all the hustle paid off." You sighed, flopping into a recliner.
Unfortunately, it was the same one Pucci had put the milk on...