The Villain Rehabilitation Programme

In which things get drunk in the night

A loud crash woke you up from a peaceful sleep. You fumbled around for the light, before stopping yourself, fearful of burglars. You grabbed the baseball bat you kept beside your bed, and slowly snuck out of your room. Doppio was standing in the doorway to his bedroom, shivering in his froggy onesie.
"I heard scary noises. What if it's Freddy Fazbear?" He squeaked. Diego poked his head out of his room, clutching his dinosaur plushie, as Kars and Esidisi awakened. They were both blushing and sweaty, so it was obvious that they'd been interrupted mid- "fun."
"I, DIO, am losing my precious beauty sleep over this!" The blonde vampire sighed. You heard falsetto giggling from downstairs, and the sound of a door banging open.
"Everyone... Get a weapon. There's an intruder downstairs." You whispered.
"Can I eat?" Santana asked.
"Sure... Just tell the jury that it's self defence if they survive to sue." You replied.

You burst into the kitchen, waving your bat and yelling. Wamuu followed with a macuahuitl, then Dio with his knives, Diego with his Dino-claws out, Diavolo with his "Stand" (whatever that was) and Vanilla with a brick in a sock. You gasped at the sight before you, and you felt something sticky seep into your sock. Turning on the light, you saw that someone had smashed open the booze cabinet and drank all the tequila! The stickiness on the floor came from an open bottle of agave syrup, dripping it's sugary sap all over the kitchen tiles.
"Awww, they got away. I wanted to gore them." Wamuu sighed.
"They drank all our tequila! And all of our agave nectar!" Doppio gasped. You picked up the empty tequila bottle, and saw traces of sugar-pink lipstick all over the rim.
"What could've done this?" You asked. But just then, from down the street, there came an awful scream!

You dashed out of the house to see Erina screaming, cradling an empty bottle of agave syrup. It had been bitten into and sucked dry, like a vampire's victim.
"My plant-based baking goods!" She squealed. Caesar ran out of his house, carrying an empty tequila bottle.
"My booze!" He gasped.
"Who did this?!" Polnareff wailed, looking down at a destroyed agave plant.
"I know who..." Kars said in a dark voice.
"Who?!" You all replied. Everyone sat in a circle around him, and he told his dark tale.
"We didn't have a name for it, but the Aztec humans, if they knew about her, would've called her Tlaneluayomoyotlsiuatl- the plant mosquito woman. You see, tonight- and for the next three nights- the moon has a pink tint. In pillar culture, we call this the Pink Agave moon. It's said that when the moon shines, the Tlaneluayomoyotlsiuatl rises to drink agave from innocent plants, and will not stop until there is no more tequila- EVER!" Kars roared. Suzi Q screamed, and Esidisi started crying.
"I found pink lipstick on the tequila bottle." You said.
"Then we've got to act fast and set a trap! Gather any agave products you can tomorrow, and report back to me. We've got a tipsy lady to catch!"

That night, Doppio slept in your bed with you because he was scared of the agave lady. In the morning you headed over to Jonathan's, and helped Erina harvest the agave from her garden. Everyone on the street was making nets, picking agave, or stocking up on tequila. The only person who wasn't was Joseph, who was convinced that this was all a scam.
"Kars is just trying to get into the spooky spirit with tales of this Tlaneluayomoyotlsiuatl. I mean, where's the proof!" He asked.
"You literally believe that aliens build the pyramids. Shuddup and help me carry this tequila." Esidisi grunted. As you and Erina harvested the agave (Jonathan ferried baskets of it back and forth, as his head jar had little wheels on it) you noticed something off about Joseph.
"Hey, where were you last night?" You asked.
"Sleeping... I think. Because this Tequila nonsense bores me to the point of sleep!" The brunette sighed.

Night came, and you all gathered in the woods. Everyone had brought tequila, or agave, or (in Avdol's case) a very life-like agave plant costume.
"She should emerge when the pink agave moon rises." Santana said, quoting the legend of his people. Despite usually loving anything risky, Joseph had gone pale.
"Guys, I feel weird." He said, looking all sweaty. "We should go back, this isn't safe! It's..."
Just then, the pink agave moon rose. Joseph stared at it, then gave a feminine gasp.
"What's happening?!" Suzi screamed. Caesar picked up Shizuka and hugged her close as Joseph contorted in agony, then threw his head back and let out a falsetto "AAuuuAoouuhhhh!" as pink lipstick and gaudy blush appeared on his face. Little pink and gold hair ornaments appeared in his brunette locks as his clothes transformed into a tacky pink and gold dress. Joseph gave a giggle as his pecs inflated- becoming comically huge bosoms- and the Tlaneluayomoyotlsiuatl reared her head back and let out a sinister howl of "I BROUGHT TEQUILAAAAA!"

"What the fuck! Joseph's become a.... A tequila girl?" Dio gasped. Caesar handed Shizuka over to Suzi, then ran over to comfort Joseph.
"JoJo... It's ok, I'm here, I won't let them take you away!" He cried.
"What's going on? Did you... Did you know that he becomes a tequila-loving bimbo every full moon?"
"I did, and I tried to keep it a secret, as you'd all get the SPW to lock him up! It happened one night when he cut his finger on a cursed Tequila bottle, and now on the pink agave moon, he transforms into... Tequila Joseph! She's sort of like his Dragsona."
"Damn right, babe. You want some tequila?" The pink party-girl asked.
"Sure, later." Caesar said. "Look, guys... I'll reimburse you for the tequila she stole. She can't help it, she's like a... A tequila werewolf! I just wish there was a way to control this..."
You sighed... Then Diavolo cleared his throat.
"I have an idea..."

Three days later, Joseph came back from the local SPW headquarters. They'd successfully separated Tequila Joseph from him in the way they separated Diavolo and Doppio, and T.J had gone to work at a drag club in town.
"I'll miss her, but it'll be nice to share a bed with you on full moon again." Caesar said to his boyfriend.
"Wait, don't you need to stay cuffed to her until you heal?" Doppio asked.
"Oh no, they've improved the tech now. You and Diavolo will have to stay together though!" Joseph laughed. Diavolo went to punch him, but you stopped him.
"Not now, Dia. Kars is giving us enough problems..."
Kars was busy smashing every booze bottle he could find over his head.
"Come on! If it could work for Joseph, it can work for me! ONE OF THESE HAS GOTTA BE CURSED TO TURN ME INTO A DRAG QUEEN EVERY FULL MOON! I CAN'T LET JOJO UPSTAGE ME AT THAT!!!"