The Villain Rehabilitation Programme

In which Kira wants you to have a quiet night in

Today had been absolutely exhausting. You'd been running around like a headless chicken, trying to placate everyone in the house- to nobody's satisfaction. The blood was always too warm, the Aztec statues were never shiny enough, the TV shows were never holy enough, and the ice cream was never dio-shaped enough. You were at the end of your tether, but the straw that really broke the camel's back was Diavolo.
"Y/n....." he whined from the sofa.
"Diavolo, I'm busy right now." You called back as you washed up the dishes.
"Get me more wine." He said, waving the glass at you.
"Can't you get it yourself? Anyway, whenever I get you wine it's always the wrong one." You replied, getting annoyed.
"Ugh, you're absolutely useless." He sneered. You paused, froze- and screamed.

"THAT IS IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU LAYABOUTS DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO HELP AROUND THE HOUSE, THEN CALLING ME USELESS! YOU LOT HAD BETTER GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER AND START PULLING YOUR WEIGHT, OR ELSE YOU'LL BE SORRY!" You yelled at the villains. Doppio teared up, Dio flinched, and Kars was about to roll his eyes when his survival instinct kicked in and he decided against it. You turned on your heel and stormed up to your room in a fit of anger, fuming as you went. Yes, you felt a bit bad for Doppio, but you were absolutely exhausted at being treated like a skivvy. You slammed your door, put your headphones on, and blasted loud music until you fell asleep.

When you woke up,the air smelt lemony and fresh. You went downstairs to see Doppio in an apron, cooking pancakes for you. They had your favourite fruit and sauce on them, and looked perfectly fluffy and soft. Diavolo, meanwhile, sulked in the corner.
"Y/n? I'm sorry I was so lazy." Doppio said, looking sad as he plated up your sweet breakfast. "I'm going to do more around the house from now on."
"As am I, DIO! After all, if I'm in your good books you may want to become my vampire bride in the future." Dio said as he mopped the floor. For some odd reason, he was wearing a french maid costume.
"And surely a god must repay his most loyal worshippers." Kars smirked as he dusted the ceilings. He was also in a maid outfit. So was Esidisi, who was folding laundry.

"What's all this about?" You asked.
"We felt bad for making you feel like that. So from now on, we'll be pulling our weight!" Diego called from the garden, where he was pulling weeds. He wasn't wearing a maid dress, just his usual jumper.
"That's great! Just don't wear the maid outfits all the time." You replied.
"Whyever not?" Wamuu asked, and your eyes almost bugged out of your head at the sight of how tight his maid outfit was.
"Really, just do it in your normal clothes. Anyway, looking after others is a key part of rehabilitation." You said, eating a pancake.
"What a load of crap." Diavolo sneered. "You're only doing this because you wanna get into y/n's panties."
"Shut up!" Dio yelled.
"Be silent, human." Santana said. His maid outfit was partially absorbed into him, and he was (thankfully) wearing his loincloth underneath it.
"Anyway, I've prepared a relaxing quiet night in tonight. We're gonna pamper you, y/n... And your lovely hands." Kira said.

Evening came, and Kira led you out to a yoga mat and some hippy cushions in the front garden.
"Relax. Clear your mind. Think of satisfying things." He said as Pucci lit incense. You say cross legged, and focused on the relaxing things in life. Diego ran around you with a singing bowl, shouting "ommmmmm" in a not very holy way as he tried to relax you.
"Are you relaxed yet?" He asked.
"No."
"Let's bring out stage two! Relaxing rain sounds!" Kira yelled as he turned the hose on, and sprinkled it onto the wall.
"It sounds like pee." Esidisi laughed. "I mean... It sounds very relaxing."
Dio held an iPad in front of your face playing "oddly satisfying" videos, as Kars started doing yoga to "relax" you. His loincloth flapped up as he did the sun salutation, and you shielded your eyes.
"Kars!"
"I thought the moon was relaxing...." he muttered.

Vanilla Ice flapped a fan at you whilst Santana tried to feed you grapes, and Wamuu attempted a foot massage. However, the wind warrior didn't really know how to do a massage, so he just did "this little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home." instead. Santana ate a few of the grapes, as Esidisi grabbed some panpipes and tried to play "relaxing" music for you on them.
"Are you relaxed yet, dear y/n?" He asked.
"Not really." You replied.
"What'll really satisfy her?" Doppio mused.
"I have an idea..." Diavolo replied. He walked across the street, and knocked on Polnareff's door. The Frenchman wheels himself out, and promptly punched Diavolo in the face.
"Now that's satisfying!" You cried.