The Villain Rehabilitation Programme

In which Wamuu gives someone his heart

Shout-out to galaxyrose0000 andKarsForeskin

You were going to have to go Christmas shopping soon. You weren't looking forward to it- stores at this time of year were always rammed with screaming kids and shouting parents. However, what with all the online stores having all their booking slots full, and Dio's abhorrence of modern devices, you were going to have to brave the crowds, and run the gauntlet of Christmas shopping.
"We're going to the store today." You announced over breakfast.
"Which one?" Doppio asked.
"Kame Yu." You replied. You were interrupted by a loud, excited squeal. Wamuu ran downstairs, clutching a leaflet in his hands.
"My favourite author is doing a signing there! I'm gonna meet the creator of Bobbie Zombie!"
"Who's Bobbie Zombie?" You asked.
"AHHH, NOT THIS AGAIN!" Kars wailed.
"Zomberta is a pop culture phenomenon! She's the main character of the eponymous graphic novel series by Fizz Talesford, my favourite author. In fact... Bobbie Zombie is my girlfriend!" Wamuu gushed.
"Bobbie isn't real." Santana said.
"Yes she is- in another universe! Bobbie is my waifu, my darling, my fictional other!" Wamuu ran upstairs, and came back wearing a t shirt depicting a woman with pink hair on roller skates. She also had a fedora and a whip, and appeared to be swinging on a rope.
"Bobbie Zombie is a rollerskating Aussie archaeologist, who goes on adventures and runs away from huge boulders, and fights mummies- just like real archaeologists totally do. In the story Bobbie Zombie and the Mayan Calendar of Doom, she even goes to Mexico!"
"And they say I'M a crazy fanboy." Vanilla Ice sighed.

After getting everyone to wear some warm clothes (Diego wouldn't take his Dino jammies off), you managed to get everyone down to Kame Yu. There was a long line to see Santa Claus, and a longer one to get a book signed by Fizz Talesford. Wamuu was carrying his Bobbie Zombie squishmallow, alongside a stack of Bobbie Zombie books, including;
Bobbie Zombie and the Mayan Calendar of Doom
Bobbie Zombie and the Curse of the Pharaoh
Bobby Zombie and the Castle of King Arthur
Bobbie Zombie and the Sword of the Samurai Maiden
Bobbie Zombie and the Revenge of the Ice Warrior Queen
Bobbie Zombie does her taxes
Bobbie Zombie: Tokyo Drift
"I wanna see Santa!" Diavolo yelled, pulling Doppio with him into the Santa line.
"Aren't you too old for Santa? Wryyy, humbug!" Dio scoffed, going off to buy presents for himself.
"I know that y/n is too poor to buy me a Ferrari. So I'll ask old Saint Nick. Idiot." Diavolo sighed.

The queue for meeting Fizz Talesford got shorter and shorter, and eventually Wamuu was face-first with the creator of his fictional sweetheart.
"FIZZY! I'M REALLY MEETING YOU!" He screamed, as Kars facepalmed in the background. "I love all your stories! Like in Bobbie Zombie and the Shield of David, when she kills a giant by flying a biplane into him! Or in..."
Kars cleared his throat and pointed at the books.
"As I was saying, can you sign my books?"
"Sure." The author replied, her frizzy hair bobbing as she signed his books. Wamuu gave a giggle, and pointed to his shirt.
"Can I have your blessing to MARRY Bobbie?" He asked.
"Mate, she's my IP. I can't really do that. But I can always write you a cameo! I can see it now... Bobbie Zombie and the Peril of the Pillar Men? Bobbie Zombie and the Trials of the Gladiator? I'll get back to you."
Wamuu's face fell.
"But I love her! She's so inspiring, and her strength..."
"Wamuu, she's not real..." you began, but Wamuu pulled a heart from his pocket and tossed it to Fizz.
"Can you give her this? It's a heart!"
"EWWWW!" Fizz cried.
"Was it something I said? Tell me, my beloved mother in law!" Wamuu gasped.

As Wamuu spoke, he swung his arms backwards, whacking the two people behind him. They were both carrying a plate of themed cupcakes for the signing, which splattered all over them.
"Hey, you got cake all over my mates!" Fizz sighed.
"They shouldn't get in the way of my love for Bobbie Zombie, then." Wamuu sneered. The two chicks behind him glared at him, and Fizz stood up from her desk.
"If you keep this up, I'll get my lawyers on you." She glared. From halfway across the store, a lawyer waved from over a plate of gingerbread.
"Apologize to my friends." Talesford said.
"Wamuu doesn't ever say sorry, you stupid human. I know Bobbie better than any of you ever will." Replied the warrior. There was a pause, in which you and the other three pillarmen took cover.
"SICK 'EM, GIRLS!" Fizz yelled. She, her two friends, and her lawyer, proceeded to charge at Wamuu. The warrior screamed, grabbed his squishmallow, and ran like the wind.
"Oh god... This isn't normal." Kira sighed.
"I wonder what Diavolo's doing?" Kars mused.

Diavolo was sitting on the lap of Father Christmas, reading out his Christmas list.
"And I want a jetpack, and a pet tiger, and seven pairs of leather gloves..." he read.
"Why, that's rather a lot! I hope you've been good this year!" The mall Santa said.
"Good? Fuck no, I'm a drug dealer. Anyway, I want a..."
"Dad-dy, what's a drug dealer?" Asked a familiar voice. Shizuka was in the queue, with Joseph and Suzi.
"Come on, Diavolo, I'm bored." Dio whined. "You said you'd go lingerie shopping with me."
"Now, drugs are very naughty!" The mall Santa interrupted. "And I have lots of other children to..."
"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE REAL SANTA CLAUS!" Diavolo screamed. There was a gasp from the crowd.
"Santa's not real, dipshit. Wrrryyy, humbug! It's just your parents." Dio said. There was another gasp, and all the kids started crying. The mall Santa stood up, and pulled a baseball bat from a stall next to his grotto.
"I'M GOING TO JINGLE YOUR BELLS, MOTHERFUCKA!" He roared. Dio and Diavolo screamed, and ran off through the store, with Santa in hot pursuit.
"Don't worry, Santa! I've been good this year!" Doppio grinned as he was yanked along.

Wamuu ran through the aisles, being pursued by angry women throwing cupcakes and lawsuits at him. Diavolo and Dio weaved between the shelves, with a fat bearded man in pursuit.
"Give me Joestars, give me Giovanna, just don't give me coal this year!" Diavolo screamed.
"It's just your parents!" Dio replied.
"STOP RUINING THE MAGIC, YOU OLD SCROOGE!" Joseph yelled, chasing the two men. Shizuka ran alongside him, bawling her eyes out. They rounded a corner, and ran straight into Wamuu. The three villains collapsed into a pile, Doppio dragged alongside them.
"I'm going to sue your sorry arse unless you stop lecturing me on my own creation!" Fizz shouted.
"I'm going to stuff your stocking, you cunts!" The mall Santa yelled.
"Wait! Can't we reach an agreement?!" You cried. The writer and Santa turned to you.
"It'll keep Wamuu out of your hair, and it'll make up for ruining the Christmas grotto."
"I'm listening." Santa said.
"Sounds good. What is it?" Fizz asked.
"Ok, but first- what size elf costume would a vampire take?" You pondered.

"Happy Christmas!" Diavolo grinned with a strained expression. He, Dio and Wamuu were dressed in elf costumes (Doppio, on account of being chained to Diavolo, was dressed as a candy cane), in the Christmas photo booth for the Christmas grotto.
"This is so embarrassing- but if I upset Fizz, I had it coming. It's only honourable for me to take punishment if I upset her. After all... I can be a bit over the top with Bobbie Zombie."
"Look at how cute these kids are!" Doppio cooed. "Doesn't it get you into the festive spirit?"
"Wryyyy, humbug!" Dio screeched. Well, you can't please 'em all.