The Villain Rehabilitation Programme

In which you have a Holly Jolly Christmas

"IT'S CHRIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAASSSSS!"
Diego jumped up and down on your bed as you woke up, to see that your phone said "December 25th." He was wearing a hideous sweater with dinosaurs and tinsel on it, and you gave a sleepy grin as he woke everyone up.
"Happy Christmas, Diego." You said as you got out of bed, pulling on your hoodie to protect from the chilly air. You walked downstairs, to where all 32 of you were clustered in the living room, around the tree. Shizuka was digging into her Christmas stocking, and Erina was walking around with a huge kettle of hot chocolate, refilling everyone's mugs with it.
"Y/n! Can we open our presents?" Doppio asked with a hopeful grin. Diavolo, meanwhile, was topping up his hot chocolate with a clear liquid from his hip flask.

Kira opened up his gift tom you, to find an IKEA cat bed and some hand cream.
"This'll be perfect for Sheer Heart Attack." The blonde businessman smiled. "And why, this cream will keep my hands in a very acceptable and normal state." He dug around the tree, and pulled out a stack of identical boxes.
"I do hope that my gifts are satisfactory." Kira said as he handed out presents to everyone in your household. "Why, I've heard they're very popular, and thus normal." You ripped off the paper, to find an air fryer! As did Dio, Kars, Pucci- in fact, all of you got air fryers.
"Um... Does one household really need 12 air fryers?" Vanilla Ice asked.
"Of course. How else are you meant to fry things with air?" Kira replied. "And it'll stop y/n's lovely, soft, lickable hands from being burnt whilst cooking at a hot stove. Why, I would weep for days if those lovely, suckable, dainty fingers of hers were to..."
Kira was cut off by Diavolo throwing his air fryer at him.

Diego opened up his gift from you, which was a real velociraptor tooth necklace. Doppio got a pink Stanley cup, Dio got a fancy Japanese knife (for kitchen use only, as you reminded him), Santana got a crate of beef jerky, and Pucci got a vinyl record of hymns. Diavolo opened up his gift, to find a Stanley that matched Doppio's.
"So you two can match!" You said. Diavolo looked at you, and gave a wicked glare.
"You think I want to match Doppio? That I want things in common with him?"
A chill ran down your spine as Diavolo stood up- and grinned.
"Because I do! This way, I can swap mine for his when I lose it, and you can probably fit an entire bottle of wine into one of these. Thanks, Y/n."
You breathed a sigh of relief as Diavolo emptied his hot chocolate into his Stanley mug, and took a deep sip.

"I got you something special, Dad." Ungalo said. He handed Dio a piece of paper, which read "12 MONTHS CLEAN."
"I've spent a year on Rehab and I'm clean from addiction. I wanted to get better so I could see you again. So... You could love me like you love Giorno."
Dio stifled a gasp, and put his arms around Ungalo's shoulders.
"I already do, my son. Why, you're wickedly evil, and you have a stand which creates havoc. Seeing my sons is the best Christmas present I could ever want."
He hugged his four sons close, then gave a wicked grin.
"Unless someone's brought me a Ferrari..."
"Not gonna happen, dad." Donatello replied.

More gift-giving took place as the morning went on. Bruno gave Abbachio an amethyst set of cufflinks, and Caesar and Joseph gave each other funko pops of each other.
"I've ordered something special for you, Speedwagon." Jonathan said from his spot on the side-table. "You see, the SPW has organised for me to get a robot body. It's not ready yet, but they've been developing it bit by bit, and one special piece is ready.
"Oh really, Jonathan?" The blonde replied, raising a thick eyebrow.
"Why, yes. In fact..."
Jonathan stopped as a truck pulled up outside his house, and a delivery man pushed a package that was similar in size to two salamis, one atop the other, into the postbox.
"THEY SAID IT WOULD COME IN DISCREET PACKAGING!" Jonathan screamed, hopping off the table and out the door as fast as his neck-stump could take him. Speedwagon ran after him, safely stashed the odd gift in their house, and laughed as he carried his lover's head back.
"And you got one for Erina too?"
"Of course, Robert. Fully accurate in all dimensions, with an added vibrate and pulse function. Why, it's a marvellous prosthetic!"
"A prosthetic of what?" Sekhmet asked, whilst her two dads gave Jonathan the side-eye.
"My... Hands. So they can hold them!" He replied. Kira gave a squeak at this, prompting Diavolo to throw another air fryer at him.

You got the GooTurDucKen into the oven- alongside roast potatoes and all manner of side dishes- before walking back into the living room.
"Let's play a game." Bruno said, like a mother trying to keep her children entertained.
"Ooh, charades!" Narancia yelled. He stood up, and started running around with his arms out.
"Plane." Fugo said without missing a beat.
"You're no fun, shithead." Narancia pouted as he sat down. Vanilla stood up, and gave a giggle.
"Oh, you're never gonna guess mine..."
"Is it the great and powerful Lord Dio?" You asked.
"Holy crap? Is she a psychic?" Vanilla replied. Pucci stood up, and started miming out something. Everyone kept guessing for over an hour, but you couldn't tell what it was at all.
"It's the Archangel Michael!" He cried after an hour and a half of odd miming. "How could you not get that?"
"Can anyone else smell burning?" Wamuu asked. You sniffed the air, then panic rushed through you.
"Dinner!"

You ran to the kitchen and pulled the GooTurDucKen out the over, seeing that it was now a burnt, carbonated mess. With a sigh you dumped it into the sink, and gave a sigh.
"I wasted it... I've ruined Christmas..." You sighed. Feeling dejected, you sat on the floor, back to the over, and put your head in your hands.
"Y/n?"
Doppio had come into the kitchen, only to see you sitting on the floor, feeling absolutely awful.
"Don't cry, Y/n." He said, putting a hand on your shoulder. "We can fix this, I know we can!"
"How?!" You cried. "I've burnt dinner! I've ruined Christmas! And all the stores are closed!"
"Well... Not all of them..." Jotaro said, walking into the kitchen to get more booze.
"What do you mean?" You replied. Jotaro looked over to Kakyoin, who gave him a thumbs up.
"Y/n, I think it's time I introduced you to a Japanese Christmas tradition."

An hour later, everyone was sitting around the dining table, tucking into KFC. Jotaro apparently had them on speed dial, and everyone seemed pretty glad to have something hot to eat. Santana was wearing the bucket on his head as a helmet, and you couldn't help but grin as you chowed down on your chicken. Christmas was saved! Diego waved a piece of chicken near the vent, and the raccoon jumped out, only to be tackled into a hug.
"You're my pet now! I'm gonna call you Anning." Diego grinned. The raccoon protested, but shut up the second Diego gave it some chicken.
"Look, Y/n, it's snowing!" Esidisi cried.
"I hope it's not that weather boy..." Pucci shuddered.
"After dinner, shall we go play ice hockey outside?" Joseph suggested, sipping gravy from the pot like it was a drink.
"Sure!"
"I'm in!"
"Oh, fine, puny human."
"Perkele!"
"Almost forgot... Happy Christmas, Y/n. This is from all of us." Dio said sliding over a gift box. You opened it, to find a necklace. It was made of emerald and opals, and looked like mistletoe.
"It's beautiful!" You smiled, putting it on. "And we all know what happens under the mistletoe, right?"
All of your housemates immediately perked up.
"So be good... and you'll get that next Christmas."