The Villain Rehabilitation Programme

In which Kars Sashays and Shantays

Doppio ran into the room, whooping and cheering like he'd just won the lottery.
"My tickets are here! My tickets!" He grinned.
"What tickets?" Diavolo asked with an annoyed glare. "You're supposed to tell me when you buy things!"
"Now that we've got separate bank accounts I don't." Doppio said. Each villain got £25 a week in spending money from the SPW, and Doppio had been saving up for some time now.
"I've only gone and brought 5 tickets to the S City drag-off grand finale!" Doppio announced. "So me, y/n, Bossu and two others are gonna be able to go!"
"Wait wait wait, what's a drag-off?" Kira asked.
"Only the biggest and best drag show in the country! And it's starring two of the most famous Queens out there..."
"Divine and RuPaul?" Dio asked.
"No! Tequila Joseph and Signora Bubblebutt!"
At this announcement, Kars ran down the stairs with a mad grin.
"Doppio, me and Esidisi will be joining you to this show of dragging. I can't wait to see Caesar and Joseph's alter-egos make absolute fools of themselves!"
"Do I have to go? Drag's stupid, I wanna stay home and watch TV." Diavolo pouted.
"Oh, you're coming with me! All five of us are gonna have a great time!" Doppio squealed.

A few days later, you were all in the car, heading to the club where the show would be held. It was only half an hour's drive, as you lived just outside S City.
"I can't believe I'm being forced to watch a dollar store version of RuPaul fuck around on stage with Joseph's alter ego." Diavolo sulked.
"Quit whining or I'll make you walk!" Kars replied. "This will be a great experience, seeing Caesar act the fool for a crowd. And as the ultimate being, I'm entitled to laugh!"
You pulled up by the club, and stood in queue to get your tickets checked. A janitor was busy trying to stuff some boxes into a cupboard, looking anxious as he did so.
"Are you ok, sir?" Doppio asked.
"It's just some stuff we ordered for Cinco de Mayo last year, but it's all come in several months too late. I'm trying to stash it away for now..." He said, rolling up a gigantic Mexican flag and sticking it in the broom closet. You went to help him, but he'd just put everything away as the line moved forward. You reached your seats, which were all in a row facing a small stage, with the red curtains drawn and a catwalk.
"I need a stiff drink." Diavolo grunted. Just then, the lights flashed, and a voice called down from the intercom.
"Sorry, ladies, but the bar is closed! Because tonight, the only tequila in this house is strutting the catwalk, and the only bubbles are down the dress of her rival! I give you... TEQUILA JOSEPH AND SIGNORA BUBBLEBUTT!!!"

The curtains drew apart, to reveal Tequila Joseph in all her glory. Next to her, in a sassy pose, was Caesar Zepelli in a matching dress to hers (just in blue fabric.) He had a comical amount of latex padding around his butt, alongside a tight corset and a bustle to give the impression that Signora Bubblebutt had a gigantic ass.
"Heeeeey girls!" Tequila Joseph called to the crowd. "You know, if I didn't know better I'd say we were performing in a pet store, what with all the bitches here!"
The crowd shrieked with laughter at this, and Signora gave a sarcastic round of applause.
"Very funny, you old drunk."
"That's right, clap those hands, Bubbles. They're not the only part of ya body that claps!" Tequila Joseph playfully smacked S.B.B's arse, and it bounced around like a trampoline.
"Oh, it is on, bitch!" She replied, whacking T.J's arse in return. There was a comical "Pop!" Sound, and Tequila Joseph pulled two deflated balloons from under her dress.
"There goes my BBL! Knew I shouldn't have gotten it off Wish..." She sighed.

The show went on, and the two Queens lip-synced to "Lady Marmalade." Halfway through, T.J tripped, and pulled off her shoe to show that the heel was broken.
"Owww! Still, that's what I get for going over 4 inches." She pouted. Joseph turned to Kars, who was in the front row with the rest of you, and laughing his arse off alongside Esidisi.
"Still, sweetheart, don't worry that pretty purple head. Nothing of yours is over 4 inches, huh?" She grinned. Kars stopped laughing, and Signora Bubblebutt screamed with laughter.
"You tell him, bitch!" She cheered. Tequila Joseph stood up and playfully honked her tit. To your surprise, there was actually a "honk!" Sound.
"Well, they don't call me the "Ultimate Drag Queen" for no reason, huh? We'll be back after the intermission, darlings, as I promised Signora that I'd put her, ahem... "Little buddy" on pulse." The curtains drew, and Kars was fuming.
"Ultimate drag queen? Her? Oh, I'll show her. No Joestar ever upstages me and gets away with it!"
"But how are you gonna become a drag queen? There's nothing to make a costume out of, my flame." Esidisi said. Kars pondered this, then grinned.
"To the broom cupboard!" And the two of them ran off.
"The intermission's only 10 minutes!" You called.
"Oh, they'll be back." Diavolo said with a grumpy sigh.

The intermission ended, the curtains went up, and there was no sign of Kars or Esidisi anywhere.
"As I was saying, Bubbles, what's long, hard and full of cum?" Tequila Joseph asked, pulling a tequila bottle from her comically huge cleavage.
"I don't know, bitch, what?"
"A cucumb..." Joseph paused, staring dead ahead. Esidisi had strutted on stage, rolling out a red carpet.
"More like this new Queen when I'm done with her! Ladies, gentlemen and other meatbags, I give you.... LA PULQUERITA!"
Esidisi ducked back into his seat as Kars strutted onstage, decked from head to toe in drag garb. He'd used his shapeshifting powers to give himself an impossible hourglass figure, and to dye drag makeup onto his face. He was dressed in a ruffled mexican blouse and skirt made from the old Cinco de Mayo flags, and he clutched a large fan in his long-nailed fingers as his 8-inch heels trotted across the stage. Kars' purple locks were done up in a tall, voluminous hairdo, and he posed sassily as he faced off against Tequila Joseph.
"There's a new Queen in town, bitch." La Pulquerita snapped, and an "OOOOOOH!" sounded throughout the crowd.

"Oh my god, this is so embarrassing..." Diavolo cringed. Pulquerita looked down at Diavolo, and smirked.
"Say, TJ, Bubbles- what if we get someone from the audience to do a lip-sync with us? Of course, if you're not too fake to do so." She teased.
"The only thing fake about me are my titties!" Tequila Joseph snapped back, and Kars pulled Diavolo onto the stage.
"Everyone say hi to Diavolo! He's my favourite waste of space, and he's here tonight with y/n, my favourite human, and Esidisi, my favourite pillar man. Doppio's here too, I guess."
"I got a cameo!" Doppio squealed, as La Pulquerita sprung into a lip-sync cover of "Bad Romance."

"That was shit." Diavolo sulked once the show was over.
"Oh, you were the best, darling!" Tequila Joseph cooed. "My alter-alter ego was right, y/n really is good at looking after idiots. Say hi to normal Joseph, Caesarino." She waved as Caesar, now stripped of his drag garb, headed home in his car.
"Come on, Kars, let's go." You said, only to be met by the sounds of budging. Kars, still as La Pulquerita, appeared to be stuck in the door.
"I knew I went overboard with the curves..." He sighed. "But hey, I upstaged a human, so it's a win for me."
"Oh, baby, you're always my favourite queen!" Esidisi grinned from his spot, where he was pulling Kars through the door (the Ultimate Being stubbornly refused to deflate his gigantic gag boobs.)
"And you're my favourite guy, Esi-dearest. You know, I should really do drag more often... And you're all getting front row tickets!"
Doppio cheered, and Diavolo punched the air as you went to yank Kars out the door.