The Villain Rehabilitation Programme

In which Dio is almost Pot Roast

"Let's go on a nature hike!"
You'd seen all these posts on Instagram of beautiful natural sites around you, and people hiking through them with happy smiles on their airbrushed faces. However, as you trudged through the mud on a cold November day with 11 villains in tow, you were starting to regret that decision.
"This is boooooring." Dio whined. "I, DIO, do not go grubbing around in the mud like swine!"
"I believe that it's our right to walk amongst God's creations." Pucci said, admiring the trees. Diavolo was grumbling, as he'd worn his suede shoes and they were now covered in mud. However, Diego was having the time of his life, jumping in muddy puddles.
"This is ace! Gawd, I love mud!" He yelled. Kars sighed, and nuzzled closer to Esidisi's warmth as Santana sniffed the floor.

"What are you doing? You're acting like a truffle pig." Kira asked.
"Smells familiar. Smells like... Temple!" Santana gasped.
"Huh?"
"Our old temple, in prehistoric times! It was here, it smells just like it!" Santana cried.
"My god, the old stomping grounds. I wonder if the priestesses are still here?" Kars pondered.
"Priestesses?" You asked.
"Oh yes. We had 24 zombie priestesses, all of whom rejected humanity to become our worshippers. I don't know what happened to them... Maybe they're down here?"
Just then, Diego tripped over a rock.
"Ow!" He yelled.
"Hey, there's carvings on that rock!" Doppio said, pointing at it. In fact, most of the rocks around you had remnants of carvings on them.
"That was our old cypher, said to awaken our priestesses." Kars said. "I wonder..."

The Ultimate Being reached forwards, and twisted the dial of the cypher. There was a pause, and then the ground started shaking. Dio gave a girly scream as a hand reached through the soil, as many others did. Two dozen zombie priestesses dug their way out of the earth to see their masters again, the winter sun reflecting on their skin. They were all large, curvy women, with greyish skins, hair in various bright colours, and ragged fur dresses. They wore elaborate jade and fang necklaces, and had markings like those of their masters painted onto their faces.
"My priestesses! You've returned to me!" Kars cooed. "I gathered them from all over the world, and I knew that we'd meet again."
"Of course, Lord Kars." A priestess cooed, revealing her long, sharp fangs. You backed away, stepping on a twig as you did so, and all the priestesses turned to glare at you.
"Who is this?! A tasty snack?!" One snarled.
"She's my housemate, so don't eat her, ok?" Esidisi grinned. The zombies all nodded, and turned to face their masters.
"How may we serve you, our ultimate lords?"

And that was how 24 zombie priestesses moved into your house. Although they promised not to hurt any humans, the priestesses were incredibly loud, and spent all their time cooing over the pillar men. Some went as far as to make t-shirts saying "MRS KARS" or "ESIDISI'S WIFE AND GIRLFRIEND."
"They're insane." Diavolo grumbled. "They just barged in here and started squatting. Get them to leave, y/n."
"I can't, they're freaky zombies. I don't have hamon or even a stand!" You replied. Just then Priestess number 16 walked past, carrying an empty bottle of barbecue sauce.
"Where are you going with my sauce?!" Diego demanded.
"Oh, silly me. I got it mixed up with the bubble bath when Dio asked me to get some for him!" You could smell the barbecue scent from the bathroom, as Dio rubbed the flavourful sauce into his skin.
"Weirdo."
"It's not his fault that Lord Dio is too lazy to get his own bubble bath! Anyway, he doesn't sweat, so he doesn't need soap."
"This sauce is going to make me smell INCREDIBLE!" Dio yelled, throwing open the bathroom door in all his naked glory. You covered Doppio's eyes, but Dio just laughed.
"No need to do that, y/n, anything shocking shrivelled up once I sewed my head onto this body. Curse you, Jonathan!"

As you headed downstairs to read a book, you saw Vanilla Ice eating a block of butter.
"What the hell?" You said.
"Oh, hi, y/n. The priestesses said that this is a traditional snack of theirs. I never see them eating it, but it's worth a shot." He said through a mouth of butter. You rolled your eyes, but got out a pen and paper.
"What do you all want for dinner?" You asked. "Let's have a tally."
"No need! We'll cook tonight!" Priestess number 4 said.
"Huh?"
"Oh yes, we're already prepping our very special ingredients. Our masters are gonna love this!"
You were puzzled for a moment, but then it struck you.
They were going to feed Vanilla Ice and Dio to the pillar men! After all, vampires were their traditional diet!
"Vanilla, stop eating butter! They're trying to fatten you up for dinner! Just like how they're marinating Dio in barbecue sauce!"
Priestess number 23 glared at you, clutching a recipe book open to the page for Pot Roast.
"You sneak! How dare you try to ruin our dinner!"
She glared at you, whipping a knife out of her blonde locks.
"Guess we'll just have to COOK YOU TOO!"

You and the two vampires screamed, as 24 raging priestesses chased you through the house with knives, forks, pizza cutters and a potato masher. You ran past Wamuu's room, screaming your head off.
"We're just making dinner, sweet cheeks!" Priestess number 7 cooed.
"SHE'S GONNA KILL MEEEEEE!" Dio screamed. Priestess number 14 lunged at you, wielding her potato masher, only for Wamuu to step between you.
"Why are you trying to eat y/n?" He glared. Kars poked his head out of his room, and sighed at what was happening before him.
"You wretches, why are you chasing my favourite human with knives?" He demanded.
"We were just making dinner..." Priestess number 19 pouted. Kars glared, and Esidisi screamed, his monster form breaking free.
"How DARE you try to cook y/n!" He roared. All the priestesses screamed and grovelled, and ran out of the house. You didn't know what happened, but one minute they were running past a construction site, and the next they had all been crushed by a Road Roller.
"What happened there?" You gasped.
"I definitely don't know." Dio winked to Vanilla, and the brunette winked back.