The Villain Rehabilitation Programme

In which fairytales come true

Ever since he'd reunited with his illegitimate children, Dio was making an attempt to reconnect with them. Of course, he wasn't paying attention to their interests- he was instead trying to get them to be like him.
"Giornoooo, my golden boy, my favourite son with a name beginning with "G?" Dio said, sidling up to him from underneath the shad of a parasol.
"What is it, dad? I'm trying to make an anti-drugs Tiktok." Giorno whined.
"Yeah, piss off, banana-pants." Mista sneered.
"I was going to ask about your wonderful stand. What was it called now- Golden Wind over Heaven?" Dio pondered. This was hard work for him, as he didn't usually think about people who weren't himself.
"It's called Golden Experience Requiem, Dad." Giorno sighed, idly creating a flower crown for himself.
"Can you make it make dogs with human heads?" Dio asked. There was a pause, in which Mista dropped his salami and Giorno made a face of pure disgust.
"Lord Dio, the VRP recommends that you..." Vanilla began, only to be handwaved away by his master.
"Alright, fine. I won't ask you to make freaky dog-people." Dio replied. "But could you put Jonathan Joestar into an infinite death loop?"
"That's mean, Dad."
"Why must you be such a goody two-shoes? When I was your age I was killing 3 dogs a week. Kids these days!" Dio sighed and stormed off.

You went outside to hang up the laundry, to see Rikiel and Donatello leaving the backyard.
"Aren't you going to stay with your Dad?" You asked them.
"Why? He's a boring old man." Donatello snapped.
"It makes me want to cry..." Rikiel sniffed. You walked up to Dio, who was lying on his favourite "dramatic bitch couch" and sulking.
"Hey, what's wrong?" You asked.
"None of my sons want to chat with me." Dio grumbled.
"Is it because you keep asking them to make their stands do stuff for world dominance?" You replied. Dio just gave a "wryyyy" at this.
"You can have Mr Frog, he always makes me feel better." Doppio said, offering his plush froggie to Dio.
"Piss off wanker." Dio grunted. Doppio teared up at this, and gave Dio the finger.
"Don't just mope, get that freaky guy off the lawn. He looks like Mr Potato Head." Diavolo frowned, corking open a bottle of wine.
"Hey, that's my son Ungalo!"
"Then why don't you ask him about his Stand?" You asked, although you still weren't exactly sure what Stands were. Dio jumped off the couch and hurled himself out the window, to where Ungalo was sitting.

"And this is sleepy... And grumpy.... And sneezy..."
The concept of a stand that could make fiction into reality was incredible. However, Ungalo was just summoning the Seven dwarves again and again.
"It's not normal to have so many dwarves on the lawn." Kira sniffed. Just then, those two kids from down the road- Josuke and Okuyasu- walked past.
"Oi Josuke, his stand's making fake stuff real!" Okuyasu pointed.
"Hey bro, I've got a great idea." Josuke laughed. He scribbled something onto a Post-It, and handed it to Ungalo.
"What is this?" He asked.
"NETPAKR." Okuyasu laughed. Ungalo focused and pulled the thing from the drawing. It resembled a microwave oven on wheels, with one robot arm and a balloon for a head.
"What does it's name mean?" Kira asked.
"It's an anagram for Never Ending Throw Pies at Kira Robot!" Okuyasu laughed.
"And it's Killer Queen-proof." Josuke added. NETPAKR turned to Kira, and promptly hurled a custard pie at him.
"Enough!"
More pie.
"This isn't normal!"
Yet more pies.
"Killer Queen, help me! I regret everything! Why couldn't I have been a foot guy instead?!"
Kira ran away from the house, NETPAKR in hot pursuit.

Pucci walked up to Ungalo, and snapped his fingers.
"Make Jesus."
Ungalo focused, and suddenly a Mexican guy appeared.
"I said Jesus! As in GEE-SUS!"
"Oh, I thought you meant the Spanish name, like HEY-ZEUS. Lemme try again."
Another Spanish guy appeared.
"Third time lucky? It's a pretty common name."
Ungalo tried again and again, and yet he just kept summoning random Latino guys called Jesus, not the big J himself.
"Nevermind, all this summoning stuff is satanic anyway." Pucci grumbled as he walked off.

Wamuu crept up to Ungalo, trying to be as sneaky as possible for an 8 foot musclebound unicorn vampire.
"Ungalo? Can you get someone out a book for me?" He asked.
"Ok. Who is it?"
"Just this really cool comic character..." Wamuu blushed, offering up his copy of Bobbie Zombie and the Pharaoh's Curse. Ungalo worked his magic, and suddenly the titular character was standing on the lawn. She looked like the bastard lovechild of Crocodile Dundee, Lara Croft and Indiana Jones, and had pink hair and a black fedora. She also had triangular boobs, which was pretty weird. You could tell she was Australian because she had a huge knife strapped to her thigh, a crocodile tooth necklace, and corks hanging off her hat.
"She's real! She's real!" Wamuu cheered, jumping up and down.
"G'day, mate!" Bobbie grinned. "Let's go and jump out of planes and punch Nazis. Because that's what archaeology is, right?"
"You read my mind, Zombiekins..." Wamuu simpered like a soppy fanboy. She whistled, and the both of them jumped onto a passing minecart that was being chased by a huge boulder.
"At least someone's happy." Diavolo sighed, as Ungalo refused to summon drugs from the realm of fiction.

This went on for quite a while. Polnareff asked Ungalo to summon Tintin, and he summoned two tin cans, as he was easily confused. Kakyoin asked for his favourite characters from F-Mega, but Ungalo just summoned the background spectators from the baseball game. Eventually Ungalo quit for the day, and you went to get dinner started.
"Where's Wamuu? He should be back by now." Diego asked as he dug around in the fridge for his mountain dew.
"That's funny, I haven't seen the pillar men at all today." You answered. Just then, the back door slammed open, and Bobbie Zombie walked in, a backpack slung over her shoulders.
"G'day!" She grinned. "What's for dinner?" It may have been your imagination, but her backpack seemed to be making muffled yelling noises.
"Bobbie, what's in your bag?" You asked.
"Uh, nothing!" She replied. But Diego had grabbed the bag and wrenched it open, yelling at what he'd found.
"Santana! Wamuu!"

The four pillar men were inside, contorted into tiny shapes and stuffed into Ziploc bags.
"Why are you trying to kidnap my friends?" You demanded.
"You weren't looking after them properly. They belong in a museum!" Bobbie replied.
"Dammit! I forgot that in Bobbie Zombie and the Cretan Labyrinth it's explicitly stated that she works for the British Museum." Wamuu sighed.
"Come on, Bobbie, give them back. I need to rehabilitate them." You said, holding out your hand. She sighed, and handed over the shrink-wrapped pillar men.
"But it's my job! Oh well... Guess I'll go back empty-handed..." Bobbie sighed.
"Well... There's one treasure around here you can take." Wamuu replied.
"Huh?"
"Oh yes. In fact, it's just across the street..."

Half an hour later, you watched with popcorn on hand as Joseph chased the archaeologist around, trying to take back the Red Stone of Aja.
"I'll miss her when she's gone." You laughed, as Ungalo had said he could only sustain a fictional character for 24 hours.
"Eh. She only liked me for my body in the end." Wamuu sighed, as Joseph ran into a tree in pursuit of the ancient crystal.