The Villain Rehabilitation Programme

In which you Step into Christmas

Doppio had been baking all day on the 22nd, and the house looked like a gingerbread housing estate due to all the various gingerbread houses he'd made. You were still trying to find the raccoon that was poking around the air vents when the door knocked. You answered it, to see Jonathan, Erina and Speedwagon- only with overnight bags.
"We're here for Christmas!" Jonathan smiled.
"I didn't invite you, get lost!" Dio yelled.
"Then why do we have an invitation, ya posh prick?!" Speedwagon replied, pulling out an invite. You looked down at it, to see that it was in Kars' handwriting.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said to invite ALL the Joestars, Dio, including their extended families! But you actually said I SHOULDN'T invite any Joestars! Oopsies." Kars smirked.
"I'm going to kill you!" Dio screamed, pulling out his knives.
"We brought a figgy pudding!" Erina interjected, as you let her and her enterage in. Dio paused, and looked at it.
"I will reconsider killing you over some figgy pudding." The vampire simply said. "But don't think I want you here, JoJo! You and your creepy lackeys can take the spare room. Why, the only family I'm interested in is..."
"Right here!" Diavolo screamed.

Standing in the doorway was the Bucci gang and Trish, carrying a panettone.
"My brothers are here too." Giorno said, pointing to a moody guy with purple-red hair, a grumpy blonde, and an odd looking bald guy.
"Giorno, my little bug!" Dio grinned, hugging his son. "But why is everyone else in your silly little gang here?"
"Bruno and Abbachio are like my dads- no offense, my foster dads. Fugo and Narancia are like my brothers, Mista is like my irresponsible older friend who's a very bad influence, and Trish got a separate invitation." Giorno explained. "Is it ok if they stay?"
"Of course, anything for my son!" Dio cried, letting everyone in and taking their bags. "You can all sleep in the TV room with sleeping bags, like a sleepover." You suggested.
"I'd be honoured to." Bruno said, kissing your hand and making you blush.
"The marine biologist's here too." Giorno said. You wondered what he meant, before Dio let out a scream.
"WRYYYY! WHY MUST WE BE RELATED!"
Standing in the hallway were Jotaro and Kakyoin, carrying an iPad that was on video chat to Jolyne.

"Um... Talk later?!" Jolyne said, hanging up.
"Oh, I definitely invited these lot. Just to annoy you, my dear Dio." Kars purred, looking at Jotaro walk in.
"I brought some of my mom's Christmas cookies." He said. Kakyoin nodded at you, and blushed at the mention of Holly Kujo.
"We'll be in the lounge." Jotaro said, flopping down onto the loveseat.
"That's MY seat..." Dio glared.
"You two can sleep in the bathtub in the spare bathroom." You said, just as the door knocked again. Vanilla Ice answered it, and screamed.
"HE'S BACK FROM THE DEAD?!" Vanilla howled. You looked, to see Avdol and Polnareff at the door, with Sekhmet and Aramis by their sides.
"Oh, wait, forgot that you didn't die." Vanilla said, before running off. Diavolo attempted to hide, before realising he was still chained to Doppio (still in the kitchen), and thus just sat on the floor and pouted.
"We got an invite." Polnareff said, handing it over.
"But you don't even celebrate Christmas!" Diavolo grumbled, in an attempt to make them both go away.
"Well, it's rude to refuse an invitation." Avdol said, wheeling his husband in.
"You two can take the sofabed in the living room, and as for Sekhmet and Aramis..."
"We'll take them!" Giorno offered, as he helped Doppio carry out mugs of hot cocoa.
"What a wonderful polite young man you are." Jonathan smiled, as Dio sat under the mistletoe in nothing but a thong, with Vanilla Ice fangirling in the corner.

Just then, the door knocked again. You answered it, and Kars screamed.
"WHO LET HIM COME?!" The god screeched, upon seeing Joseph standing in the doorway with Caesar, Suzi and Shizuka.
"Oh, I did." Doppio said. "I thought it would be nice to have more people around!" Trish barely even looked up from her phone at this, as Joseph stormed into the house.
"Hi, Y/n, babe." He grinned. "Suzi's brought her famous Christmas noodle casserole, and I've brought my epic party attitude!"
"Why couldn't you have invited the drag queen version of Joseph?!" Kars wailed. "At least she's funny."
"She's busy in a pantomime." Speedwagon replied. As Joseph got all of his family, their multiple suitcases, and Suzi's casserole pot into the house, you took a quick tally. There were now 32 people in the house, and you cringed at the idea of fitting them all around a table. Would a Christmas buffet work? It would have to.

"Who wants to hear a Christmas story?" Pucci asked with a smile. Shizuka, Sekhmet, Aramis and (surprisingly) Fugo all clamoured, so they sat in a circle around the priest. Pucci opened up his bible, and began telling the story.
"Once upon a time, in a little town called Nazareth..." Pucci began, only to be interrupted.
"Are there unicorns in this story?" Shizuka asked.
"No, dear." Pucci replied. "Now, as I was saying, there was a little town called Nazareth. There lived a lady called Mary, and she was very special, because..."
"SHE WAS A DINOSAUR!" Diego interrupted.
"The mother of Jesus was not a dinosaur!" Pucci screamed. "Now, this story is important because it's where the best holiday comes from, children. And that is..."
"Halloween!" Shizuka yelled.
"Eid?" Aramis asked.
"Ooh, Purim!" Sekhmet cried.
"Talk like a pirate day?" Fugo suggested.
"Don't you have any knowledge of Jesus?!" Pucci snapped, shutting his bible.
"I'm fwom a Buddhist/Shinto country." Shizuka said.
"We were adopted by an interfaith gay couple." Sekhmet and Aramis replied.
"I lost faith in anything after the terrible events of my childhood. Also because they stopped selling those really tasty breakfast wraps at McDonald's." Fugo grunted.

Eventually dinner came along, and you were eager to see Suzi's casserole. Joseph and Caesar had been waxing lyrical about it all afternoon, so when she heated it up, everyone crowded around to look at it. Suzi pulled off the lid... And you immediately gagged. It appeared to be squid Ink Spaghetti, mixed with chocolate sauce and maple syrup, with M&M's, mini marshmallows and crushed pop-tarts on top.
"Suzi, this isn't your famous casserole..." Joseph said.
"No, I lied. I cheated you out of a casserole. AND IT'S NOT NICE BEING CHEATED, IS IT?!" Suzi yelled. Just then, Josuke walked through the door, holding an invitation.
"Hi Dad! Uh, bye dad..." He said, immediately walking out. Seeing that everyone was distracted, Santana jumped onto the table and dug into the casserole like a pig in a trough.
"Tasty!" He grinned through a mouthful of sugary gloop.
"Baby, it was just one time!" Joseph pleaded to Suzi.
"You lied, you made me cry!" Suzi gasped, tears welling up in her eyes. Esidisi immediately put his arm around her, making Joseph gasp.
"Esidisi, she's mine!" He glared.
"So you can cheat but she can't?!" Esidisi asked. "Man, humans are so weird."
"Why are they still together?" You whispered to Caesar.
"They both forget about any disloyalty to each other in a very short amount of time. It's like kids making Barbie and Ken fight." He replied. And lo and behold, Suzi and Joseph were kissing again.

Just then, the vents rattled.
"What's that?!" Jonathan gasped, as that damned raccoon jumped out of the air vent and straight into the casserole.
"No, my casserole!" Santana roared. He grabbed the pot with his teeth by one handle, and the Raccoon took another. The two of them tugged it between themselves, before the Raccoon won and ran out the cat flap.
"My casserole!" Santana cried, chasing after it. The critter ran off, and Santana ran headfirst into an icy pole.
"Hey, dare you to lick it." Joseph teased. Santana immediately put his tongue to the icy pole, and got stuck- much to the amusement of Joseph.
"Someone's on the naughty list this year!" Doppio giggled, as Diavolo dug into the Christmas wine.