You Make It Easy

Find Someone Else.

Maya~

"Maya, these were left at the front desk for you," Anne says, coming into our break room where I snacked on a granola bar.

She sets a vase filled with tulips, hydrangeas, lilies, and baby's breath along with green filler.

"Did they say who?"

"No, just that they were for you."

I search for a card but only find one that doesn't have a name, only where they came from. "Who's flowers?" Bridget asks.

"Mine. I don't know who they're from."

She digs her fingers into the center, "You missed this," she says, pulling out a stapled piece of paper.

I take it from her and rip the staples out. When I see Christian's chicken-scratch handwriting, it's hard to not want to read it. It's also hard to want to read something he wrote.

Maya,

I'm sorry for everything. Since I've had time to reflect, I too am upset and confused about the entire situation. Yes, it shouldn't have happened. We should've been more careful. I'm not mad at you... at all.

But I hate the thought of you not being in my life. We both have things to work through. It's been a month of not seeing you, talking to you, being with you in the same room. I want things to change. I still feel the same way I did a month ago and I'm sure you do too.

Again, I'm sorry. I want to try with you. You mean too much to me to just up and lose you like that. Don't be afraid to text me. I'll answer.

I put the paper back in the middle of the flowers. God damn it. I was doing so good. I've spent less time focusing on him and our unexpected loss and more time focusing on myself and my career. There's nothing I want more than to drown in his scent, fall asleep in the same bed, or just laugh with him.

I hold my hands on the counter and just breathe. Bridget puts her hand on my back, "Christian?" she asks quietly.

"Yeah."

I clear my throat, "I just need a minute."

I take a minute to myself before moving the flowers over to the counter. Sydney walks in. "There's not supposed to be flowers in here."

Nothing in this world can make her happy. Nothing. I can't get two minutes without her complaining about something. "For two seconds, just lay off," Anne tells her.

"It's not my rule. It's the hospital's."

"Anne, it's fine. I'll just take them out to my car, or is that too long of a break for me?"

Bridget and Anne try not to laugh. "Maya, for the one-hundredth time, I didn't know."

"There were plenty of reasons why you didn't."

"Why don't you like me? What did I do?"

Again, exist. "You come in here like you own the place. You yell at the CNAs when they're just here to learn. You insert yourself into everybody's business for no good reason. You carry around your clipboard like you're busy but you're not and then complain about how hectic it is. I get it that you're my boss but don't make everyone else's life hell."

I take my flowers out to my car and set them on the floorboard. I sit in my car, steadying my breathing as I sit in silence.

I've been going to a therapist the past couple of weeks and I've learned that if I sit in silence and close my eyes while breathing deep and slowly, I become less agitated. It settles my mood down drastically.