Lovesick // TOMORROW X TOGETHER [TaeBin / SooKai]

Chapter 18 - It is all my fault

(Trigger Warning: Graphic Depictions of Violence)

The abandoned buildings were coloured in blue's and pink's with white stripes that framed the windows and balconies. What made these buildings so uncomfortable looking was the fact that they were abandoned, even though they seemed perfectly fine.

The field was located next to an abandoned pool house, with yellow tinted windows that were mostly shattered from their frames. Around the place were piles of stones and concrete as well as several stacks of wood. The conifer forest behind them let the place feel more at ease, though it should have made it seem more scary. Soobin kind of understood why Yeonjun spent his time here alone.

It was easy to find him. He had parked his car in the middle of the field, fully restored after the car accident months ago whereas Soobin asked himself if it would have been cheaper to just buy a new car. But it wasn't that what made Soobin find him easily. It was the fact that Yeonjun smashed a whole golf club through the windows of his car. The shattering noise echoed through the abandoned place and guided Soobin closer to Yeonjun.

When Soobin was close enough for Yeonjun to hear him, he stopped in his tracks and just did nothing. He watched Yeonjun as he ruined all the hard work of repairing the old car. He lashed out with his golf club and hit it against the window in the back seat, out of which Soobin always looked when he was too embarrassed to look at the boys next to him. Most of the time, he looked out the window.

Yeonjun took many swings to hit every little piece of glass that was still stuck in the frame. He then continued it with the rear window that endured many hits with the golf club. The window cracked and cracked and cracked more at every spot where the golf club hit the glass. No matter how many times Yeonjun could have swung that golf club, it wasn't enough strength to shatter the window completely like it did back then.

Soobin couldn't move a muscle as the sight of Yeonjun's unbridled anger frightened him. Right now, Yeonjun still hasn't noticed Soobin's existence but soon enough he will see him and also be angry at him. If he wasn't that already.

Besides the splintering noise of the glass shattering and the dull noise of the golf club hitting the bodywork of the car, Soobin could also hear the huffing and panting of Yeonjun while he used all his strength to destroy what he used to love. He could see beads of sweat forming on Yeonjun's forehead and neck. The baring of his teeth was unmissable and utterly frightening.

When Yeonjun was finished with the rear window for now, he made his way over to the side mirror. With one powerful swing Yeonjun chopped off the mirror with his golf club. It fell on the ground, rolling over the pebble floor towards Soobin.

With heavy breathing, Yeonjun followed the mirror with his eyes until he saw Soobin's feet and looked up into his innocent looking face. He glared at him with downward brows and a furious expression. His chest rose and fell heavily, unable to calm down the body as the anger was still too present. Soobin doubted that it would ever go away.

"You just can't leave me alone, can you?" Yeonjun breathed through his sweat and switched the golf club to his other hand. He turned his body to face Soobin, but remained in his place next to the car.

"I-I just want- You weren't at school today." Soobin corrected himself quickly.

"And that's your business because...?"

Soobin was unable to find an answer to that question. Why was it his business? Because he was in that car? Because he looked out the window that Yeonjun had just smashed to shreds? Because he was in the same class as Beomgyu?

"How did you even know where to find me?" Yeonjun asked the next question. A question to which Soobin had an answer to.

"Your sister told me. Gia?" Yeonjun threw his head into his neck and huffed in annoyance.

"That brat." Yeonjun looked down into Soobin's eyes again. His gaze was now more furious than before and it surprised Soobin that it was even possible.

Right after, Yeonjun headed towards Soobin with casual steps. He still had his golf club in his right hand and Soobin feared that he would hit him with it. If something happened to him, only Gia would know where Soobin last was. But that strangely didn't calm him down.

"You know what's totally unfair?" Yeonjun asked him halfway towards him. When he was close enough, Yeonjun lifted his golf club and pressed the end against Soobin's chest, pushing him away harshly.

"It's unfair that you are still alive." Soobin had to gulp at that.

"It's unfair that you get to live the rest of your life, while he doesn't. It's unfair that you experience every moment that was actually meant for us. Beomgyu and me." Yeonjun got louder with every cruel word that came out of his mouth and at the same time he pressed the end of the golf club against Soobin's ribs. Soobin drilled his feet into the ground so as not to get pushed away by Yeonjun. Because of that it felt like the golf club crushed itself through his ribs and through his organs. It was painful.

"You don't mean that." Soobin whispered, his voice starting to tremble.

"I mean every F*CKING WORD!" Yeonjun yelled at him and with that tears started to form in Soobin's eyes.

"Not only did you survive the accident, but you also constantly remind me that you weren't killed instead of him. With every look you give me and with every pathetic attempt to talk to me, my hatred for you grows." Yeonjun spat out these sharp words as an attempt to deeply hurt Soobin. And it worked. Soobin felt smaller and weaker and more miserable than he ever did. He couldn't stop flinching with every sound that came out of Yeonjun.

"Instead of just leaving me alone, you shove the very obvious reality right at my face. And I despise you so much for that." Yeonjun exclaimed and the golf club felt like hot coal being crammed into Soobin's chest.

"And what I absolutely hate the most about you is that you act like you don't know that it was your fault that he died."

And with that Soobin's body stopped shaking.

"He would have never died in that car crash if you hadn't gotten into my car and allowed two strangers to come along with you!"

"You go about your day, acting like a hypocritical child, and treat me like you didn't destroy my whole life. Like you didn't destroy HIS LIFE!"

"I'm sorry!"

Before Soobin could finish his sentence, Yeonjun fired the golf club with all his rage on the ground and screamed: "YOU DON'T GET TO BE SORRY!"

Soobin took a step back by the sudden loudness of Yeonjun, but he wasn't yet finished.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT, SOOBIN! YOU KILLED HIM AND THAT IS YOUR BURDEN TO LIVE WITH!" And with that Yeonjun left the place, leaving behind his car and Soobin.

Soobin's eyes were locked at the spot where he stared towards to avoid Yeonjun's enraged glare. His heart was beating rapidly fast, but his breathing was non existent. He couldn't dare to move just a single muscle, but what he couldn't control were his tears that were rolling down his cheeks. With every passing second, the tears fell quicker and quicker until he was panically sobbing.

His sobs echoed through the whole abandoned place, that much he was bawling out his eyes. It pained in his chest, where previously Yeonjun slammed his golf club against. It pained in his shoulders and in his throat and in his head. The crying required so much energy that Soobin just didn't have. But his body ignored the lack of his energy and just did what it did.

One could have said that the sobbing would ease the pain, but Soobin only felt his acid tears on his face and the sharp-like pain in his throat that reminded him of the words that Yeonjun spat at him.

It's your fault. It's your fault. It's your fault.

The words roamed through his head and mangled his brain, his thoughts, his memories.

You killed him. You killed Beomgyu.

And he didn't cry because of Yeonjun's hatred towards him. He cried because Soobin realized that it was true.

It was his fault.