Lovesick // TOMORROW X TOGETHER [TaeBin / SooKai]

Chapter 23 - Avoidance is my specialty

Soobin's POV

The next days were rather difficult for Soobin to endure. The weekend made it easier since he didn't have to spend his time with Taehyun, although Taehyun asked him if he had time to hang out on Saturday. Soobin just answered that he was busy. Which he wasn't.

Or better said he was busy not thinking about Kai or what he almost did when he was with him. To think about that, he always thought about kissing him, but this time he had actually almost done it. Because of that fact, Soobin couldn't look at Taehyun the same anymore.

Everytime he dared to look at him any longer than mere seconds, he thought that Taehyun would see it in his eyes. He was afraid that Taehyun would immediately know what was going on and then he would get upset and break up with Soobin. He couldn't hurt Taehyun.

Taehyun, who didn't believe in love before Soobin showed him otherwise. Taehyun, who thought that love wasn't everlasting and definitely not guaranteed. He probably thought that he wasn't worthy of love either. To think about Soobin crushing that last spark of hope for Taehyun, made him sick to his stomach. He was a terrible boyfriend.

He did everything he could. He ignored the feelings. He stopped Kai from doing anything he was trying to do. He sent him away immediately when he realized what was going on. Soobin did not reach out to Kai in any way, and neither did Kai. In fact, he hadn't heard from him at all since that situation.

He sometimes caught himself thinking about what he was doing at that moment, but he quickly shook off that thought. No friend would think about a casual friend that much. Afterall, after such a situation they couldn't be friends anymore. It would be for the better. Though Soobin couldn't fathom how disputed Taehyun and Kai were, if they were heavily upset with one another it would probably be better if Soobin wouldn't see Kai at all anymore anyway.

Unlike Taehyun, Kai wasn't going to school anymore so it was easy for Soobin to keep a distance from him. Even though it wasn't easy at all with all the longing still locked up in his heart. He tried to ignore that feeling like many times before, but it was hard. Very hard.

But it wasn't as easy to avoid Taehyun. Of course it was obvious for Taehyun that something was up with Soobin. But Soobin still tried to talk down his own behavior by explaining that he was busy with lots of school projects and therefore he was occupied mostly in the library of the school and classrooms, which he didn't bother to tell Taehyun their specific locations.

Soobin figured that Taehyun must have caught on to his lie either way and was just too lazy to ask the specificness of Soobin's hang out places. Especially when Soobin saw him eating by the popular's table, sitting around Jake, Nick and Jay as well as Sohee. He didn't know how to feel at that moment, because he was only starting to sit at their table when Soobin was busy "studying" during lunch break. Sohee must have come over to him, when she saw him sitting alone at their previous table.

Looking at Taehyun, Soobin saw that he didn't seem very pleased with his new lunch companions. On the other hand, he didn't really look different when he was sitting with Soobin. At times like these, Soobin couldn't figure out how Taehyun was feeling at the moment. Actually, he never really could decipher what Taehyun was thinking. He was unfathomable. After all this time.

Did he like sitting with these people? Did he just look like that because Soobin wasn't there with him? Would he feel better sitting and eating with the popular students if Soobin would sit next to him? Or was he looking like that because he thought about what to do with Soobin? About possibly breaking up with Soobin because he still acted the same around Taehyun even after reaching out to him several times without a change of situation? Or maybe breaking up with him because he knew about Kai and him all along? Just like he thought, Taehyun was unfathomable.

Soobin felt like shit. He felt miserable for hiding from him and leaving Taehyun alone in a school where he hardly knew anyone. And he felt more like shit when he saw Taehyun right next to Sohee. Not because she tried to hit on him, but because she clearly couldn't care less for Soobin. They only reached out to Taehyun the moment Soobin wasn't in sight anymore. And if, only if, everything would go back to normal, they would probably abandon Taehyun because he would rather sit next to Soobin, and with him no one in this clique would want to have anything to do with Taehyun.

Apart from that, Soobin felt pathetic as he did all these things out of love. Who avoids their boyfriend out of love? That is so stupid. But he loves Taehyun. So much. He never doubted that fact since he confessed to him at their sleepover. There wasn't a time where he wouldn't think about his love, aside from the times he thought about Kai. And that was the problem.

He loved two boys. At the same time. And apparently that wasn't right. He didn't feel the urge to break up with Taehyun when he was thinking about Kai. He didn't feel less love for Taehyun when he was with Kai or felt his speeding heartbeat when he thought about Kai. His feelings for Taehyun didn't bother to break at all. They are strong and even stronger now that he watched him from far away. He missed him, but he still can't endure his presence around him.

Why is love so difficult? Why must he keep a distance to not hurt their love to each other? Even to keep it from hurting, hurts it. Whatever he does, Soobin can't seem to fix things for the good. He only breaks it more.

He did it with Beomgyu and Yeonjun and now he does it with Taehyun and Kai.

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~"Yeah, they're living the good life
Can't see what he is going through"~

(Cool Kids - Echosmith)

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