Bianca

Chapter 21

If I were given a chance to choose my parents, I would do so.

My first life was nothing special but a crappy one. It's a point in my life that's not worth remembering. If it were possible, I would completely delete it from my memory. That life was a reminder for me that if you are a child born out of a mistake, you are in for emotional torture. 

Hindi mo pa sure kung ipagpapasalamat mo pa ba sa parents mo na isinilang ka dito sa mundo. My parents had me in their teens, and they're regretting it big time.

They were the kinds of people who had hopes and dreams in life, but those things crashed down because they accidentally had me. Pareho pa silang itinakwil ng parents nila dahil dito.

Kaya imbis na nag-aaral sila ay napilitan silang magtrabaho ng maaga.

Of course, it wasn't easy for them. They also had their own challenges, especially when I was born.

From a sweet-loving couple, they turned into a non-stop bickering couple. Hanggang sa nagkamuwang ata ako lagi ko nalang silang nakikitang nag-aayaw sa maliit namin na bahay na napundar nila.

At walang araw na hindi nila ipinaramdam sa akin na ako ang dahilan kung bakit nagkanda-leche leche mga buhay nila.

Galing noh?

Actually, I didn't feel like I was their child. Parang invisible lang ako sakanila. They fed me and dressed me but love? They weren't capable of giving me that. Maybe because they only see me as a responsibility. 

Pero, bakit ganon? Despite knowing all that, I still loved them. And as a child, I also wanted to be loved by my parents.

Kung anu-anong ginawa ko mapansin lang nila ako. Kaya lang mas lumala pa ata ang galit nila sa akin.

And just how years go by, mas palala ng palala yung away nila. Madalas mag-isa lang ako sa bahay dahil sa ayaw nila makita ang mukha nila sa isa't-isa. They were times in school na kailangan sila but to only add in my disappointment, hindi sila sumisipot. May kani-kaniya silang mga palusot.

Hanggang sa napansin kong nabawasan yung pag-aaway nila kapag nasa bahay sila. I was already contented kapag nagkakasabay kaming kumain sa hapagkainan. I was hopeful. There was a light flicker of hope in my heart that this family has a chance.

A chance to start all over. To become a happy family, I always pray every night. But a cold reality destroyed that hope in my heart as they decided to go on their separate ways.

My mother met a man and decided to remarry. My father, too, started meeting women. So, what about me? What will happen to me now?

Both of them were happily moving forward in their lives. On the other hand, I was stuck as fear started to eat me. I feared that I would be left alone in the void they created.

My mother took me to her new home, and I was thankful and hopeful for that. I know somewhere in my mind that my mother only took me out of responsibility. But I was still hopeful that she would look at me with those loving eyes one day. But that was just my wishful thinking.

For someone who has never experienced even a tiny bit of the love of a family, watching my mother and father build their new family is like endless torture to me.

I watched as my mother loved her new family. How she cares for my half-siblings. All I could think was how lucky they were to be loved and not beg. Even I haven't been embraced even once. Mother couldn't even look at me.

Oh, that's right. Because my existence was a constant reminder of their past regrets. Even my father always looked at me with scornful eyes.

What did I do wrong? Was it too selfish of me to hope for and be loved by them?

Living in that house, whether it was my mother's or my father's, was so painful. Not a single day did I feel that I belonged there. Always... I always felt alone and out of place.

But then, realizations started to hit me at an early age. The somewhat selfish wish I had for both of them needs to stop. Because if I continue this illusion of mine, I will only become more miserable, no matter how much I beg their affection.

I started studying hard to get into a university far away from there so that I could get an excuse to move out and escape from them.

And I made it!

I was able to enter a prestigious university with a scholarship program. My parents prepared a place for me to stay, and finally, I was able to move out. But little did I know that was the last time they got something to do with me. Their responsibility for me was done.

At 18, I started living alone. I thought I would feel lonely, but weirdly enough, I was happy.

The silent screaming I've been harboring is slowly calming down. This is a new start for me. I'm going to go to school, make a lot of friends, fall in love, and live happily.

Pinagsabay ko ang pag-aaral at pagpapartime job  para matustusan naman yung pang-araw araw na kailangan ko. I also met a lot of friends. The funny things is, I was easily loved them. The funny thing is, you can get that feeling that you wanted from strangers but not from your parents. 

But why is life sometimes too unfair? When everything seems to be perfect, disaster strikes.

It happened when I was 20 years old. I just got off from my second part-time job. I didn't immediately go home as I went to buy a convenience store sliced cake since, in 5 minutes, I would turn 21 years old.

Habang naglalakad ako ay naramdaman kong nag-vibrate yung phone ko sa bulsa. Kaya naman chineck ko kung kanino galing. Napatigil ako nang mabasa ko kung kanino galing yung message.

'Happy Birthday, Bianca'

It was a birthday greeting from my mother, who I had lost contact for two years. It was also the first time she greeted me on my birthday. What are the odds? Imbis na matuwa ako sa saya mas nakaramdam pa ako ng inis.

Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagta-type ng reply ko nang bigla akong nasilaw sa sobrang liwanag na papunta sa akin. And that's when I realized a truck was about to hit me. I don't know what happened next but all I could think while I was lying on the ground was how I hated my parents.

====>>>See you in the next chapter!!!