Suffering, Silenced ~[A Tokio Hotel Story]~

It's Getting Worse |12

The bright light of the sun shone onto my face, causing me to wince and awake from my dream. I sit up from my slumber and sigh. I was getting slightly homesick. Although leaving my abusive father, I still felt guilty for leaving my own mother. My mom died in that very house from an overdose. The idea of leaving the place my mother suffered in makes me guilty that I'm leaving her there alone. Her ashes lay in a flower pot beside the tv, where my dad always sits. My dad hates the idea of me standing in place where he burdens himself in a nest of alcohol and soft, ruined cushions. I guess looking like my mom really hurts him, constantly reminding him of her death. I understand that it would hurt, I really do. Your love of your life being taken from you unexpectedly. I guess the way he treats me, the way he abuses me... He just doesn't want me to keep reminding him. I guess taking out his grief on me is his way of coping. I get it. I look down to see my revealed scars across my wrist. I guess me and my dad really are similar; almost like daughter like father. Except I take my grief out on myself.

My eyes well up with tears as I lay back down onto the bed and turn to slam my head into my pillow. I couldn't control feeling this way, so sensitive. God I'm dreading the moment I come back home. I don't want to repeat the same cycle. I sob quietly into my pillow, wishing I can relieve this stress somehow. I hear some yawning sounds from across me; it was Daria, shes awake... I abruptly turn over and pretend to be fast asleep.

"Kristy?... You awake?" She says whilst letting out a long yawn, "Come on, let's go eat breakfast!"

I stay silent to try fooling her into me still being asleep but she comes over and nudges me slightly.
"Hey! Stop pretending to be asleep..." She teases.

I let out a cough, "I feel... Sick. Go without me. Please." I reply, trying to sound like I had caught a cold.

"Do you think I was born yesterday?... Kristina, you can talk to me... What's wrong?" She questions sympathetically.

I look at her trying to control myself from bursting. But my head was spinning and my eyes were becoming glossy. Until, everything spilt out uncontrollably.

"I don't want to fucking live anymore Daria. I keep thinking about my home situation. I keep thinking about my parents. This burden of my mothers death is really eating at me. I genuinely can't do this anymore!" I lash out, choking on my tears, "I can't do this. I don't know how to escape my situation, there's nothing I can do."

Daria looks at me with tears in her eyes before coming towards me, "You are enough. Kristina you are the sweetest person I have ever met, and the bestest friend. I hate seeing you this sad. What can I do to make you feel better?"

"Nothing, theres nothing you can do... I don't know anymore." I hesitated, looking at the tears running down Daria's face. I felt guilty for telling how I felt. Now I was a burden to my best-friend. I really am fucked up. I thought talking about your problems made them better...

Daria wipes off her tears with her shirt and walks to our door, turning around to me, "I will go get us some breakfasts you can stay here..." She says smiling at me as her eyes glistened softly.

***

Darias POV:

I don't know what to do. I feel so bad for Kristina its slowly killing me. Especially for the fact that I would never understand what she went through. I had the best childhood any child would've asked for... My parents were kind... supportive, encouraging, I had everything handed to me on a silver platter. I am so grateful to have had such a great life provided to me by my parents, I just feel so guilty by the fact that Kristina never had it as easy as me. Growing up, she was very introverted as a child and looked miserable all the time. Her mother was the only person she looked up to. Kristinas mother was taken from her from when she was just 11. Obviously this had affected her massively, and she had no one to talk to. Her father became violent and abusive since the death of Kristina's mum. Any time Kristina came over for play-dates we would play dress-ups. Anytime she tried on some of my dresses, I would see her body covered in bruises. Kristina is the type of girl that puts peoples needs in front of hers and hates to tell people what happened to her. I was a dumb child so I believed the bruises were from her accidents. As we grew older Kristina became even more distanced from everything and started failing her classes. She was falling behind as it was clear her mental health was deteriorating hugely. She started to wear hoodies in the summer when she rarely came out to hang out with me and never left the house at winter. I just wished I knew how I can help. For now, I try encouraging her to open up to me, hopefully making her feel better talking about her problems. But I feel guilty as I can't handle her problems myself. I am just so sad about how much pain this girl has went through; It's like her problems are swallowing her into a vortex of negativity. Nobody should need to be in this much pain ever. I constantly worry about her eventually getting to the point where she can't handle it; to the point she decides to kill herself. I can't let her get away with doing so. I will do anything to save her... But I need advice... And I know who to go to...

I go down the elevator to the ground floor. I stare at the mirror and fix up my smudged mascara from yesterday. This morning has been stressful... The elevator stops and I get out and walk towards the cafeteria. I see Tokiohotel wave at me through the kitchen doors. I walk over, walking over each tile on the floor. I get access into the kitchen and go over to the band. They lead me into a VIP settlement with a sofa, table and some chairs along with a tv on the wall. I followed them and sat down on the sofa.

"Hey Daria, how are you?" Tom says first before peeping beside me, "Uh.. Wheres Kristina?"

I sigh, "Oh yeah... Um... She's... Sick..." I stutter unconfidently, making it obvious something was wrong.

Bill takes notice, "Is she alright?"

"Yeah everything alright?" Georg adds.

I look to the ground before looking back at them, "Actually... I was hoping you guys can help me. Because I don't know how to handle this situation..." I mumbled, "So basically, she's overthinking lately about her home situation and mother. Its affecting her really badly. And when she does talk to me about it, I just physically can't handle it... It's really emotional for me to take in and I don't know how to help. She was telling that she wants to kill herself. I didn't know how to comprehend this thought of hers. I don't know what I can do to make it feel better."

The band goes silent.

"I think you should give her some time, it's not a good idea to talk to her right now." A voice says from the far end of the room, it was Gustav, "She's got trauma flooding back to her, making her feel this way, it's really best to leave her be. The last thing she should worry about is overthinking about how it affects you..." He says reasonably, "I can come back later to check up on her, If possible I can talk to her instead."

"Gustav is right, you can stay with us for a while and give her some space." Bill says whilst Tom and Georg nod their heads.

"Thank you..." I say.

***
Kristina's POV:

My eyes are stinging from crying. I have eventually calmed myself. I lay in my bed in exhaustion falling asleep almost immediately. It's getting worse.