Suffering, Silenced ~[A Tokio Hotel Story]~

Dream |32

CW: Mentions of blood, self harm and homicide

I'm in a dark black room. An endless black void, it was so familiar, like I have already been here before.
I get off the ground and walk around the vast plague of darkness. What am I doing here again? I've made things better... Why I am I here again.

A white figure blinds my sight as I turn. The figure glows distinctly, radiating a strange energy from within.

Who are you?

Selfish.

I sigh under my breath. Not this again.

Why do you keep coming back to me? What do you want from me?

It's best if you just end here.

...What? What do you mean? I don't get it!

The tears overflow my eyes, I find myself sobbing on the ground.

It was you.

I turn to look back at the white figure.

What the fuck are you talking about?!

Don't you remember?

I start shaking, I put my hands on my head as I feel myself loosing it.

I don't want to remember. Stop it.

You know if it wasn't for your argumentative backtalk, your mother would still be alive.

No! Stop it! It was inevitable! There was nothing I could have done!

You're just so selfish. Always wanting your way.

I stare in silence, at the figure lurking in the darkness. I didn't want to remember that day.

You could have told your dad about the argument before the 'overdose'.

Stop fucking talking!

I scream, the sound piercing my ears, yet it still reminds me about that moment. 

You just keep wanting to cover the truth. To avoid hurting yourself. You kept yourself safe but you have caused so much suffering to those around you. Your friends, Your own father.

Shut up!

Your mother was in a weak state and you let go of yourself.

Another figure appears behind me, looking like a distorted version of me. It glitched in my mind.

She was threatening me. I only told me to do it because I wanted me to not get hurt. I had to.

The distorted version of myself fades away slowly as the white figure comes closer towards me.

You really are selfish. And you covered it up in a disgusting way. Just so you won't have to deal with the consequences. You have just made your friends lives harder. You have made your own fathers life a misery. But he doesn't know it was you. He lives in constant denial, wondering where he went wrong. And so he wastes himself. Your mother had problems but was still a happy individual after all. So of course, her 'death' really shocked everyone. Is this what you wanted? To live inside a constant lie? You are so. Selfish. Your father was just like you. Only living for one thing, your mother; the love of his life. In your point of view, Daria. How do you feel... Someone you love not loving you? What will you do? Kill them?

I knelt on the floor with my sweaty hands covering my tear-stained face.

As soon as I am happy... Why do you keep coming back?

Do you remember?

Please! Why are you always tormenting me. It's like you don't care that I finally moved on! When I am happy... You just want to keep reminding me!

Do you remember?

Stop it! I'm begging you! Stop it!

Do you remember?

I look at my filthy hand... stained in blood; blood that's not mine. My cuts bled a heavy red; the blood was not mine. The floor seeps with a pool of blood; blood that was not mine. I look back up to see a familiar person. The person was laying on my bathroom floor. They looked distressed and lifeless at the same time. I walk over hesitantly. The mouth of the person was open and seeping with blood. Besides them were opened packets of various types  of medication. I stare at the neck of the person. They were extremely pale but had a noticeable mark on their neck. They looked like the imprints of hands.

I looked at my blood stained hands and let out a shrill scream, my breathing becoming faster and faster. I start hyperventilating as I back away slowly. I fall backwards and start falling into an endless white void. It was all coming back to me. The truth I was hiding. The truth overwhelmed me more and more as each year passed. The white figure fell alongside me and started to smile a sinister smile. The image of the figure distorts into an uncanny perception of the person I saw.

It's not your fault! At least you're not hurt!
It spoke; with a shrilling laugh consequently after.

The void around me shifts into a glowing vivid red. I feel myself loosing it. It's coming closer to an end. I couldn't cope with the truth anymore. It ate up at me, making me go insane.

The white figure smiled. This is what it wants.

And I'm afraid to give in, but I have no will.