Bare Soul

Repaired

I loved you so much.
I lost friends because of you.
I stayed when I should've left.
I took a lot of crap from you.
I took a lot of name calling from you.
I took a lot of being yelled at from you.
I took a lot of disrespect from you.
I took a lot of heartbreak from you.
I broke my promise to God for you.
I lost myself because of you, and because I allowed it to happen.
You've told me you didn't want me so many times, and I didn't listen.
You told me you wanted my friend more than you wanted me and I still stayed with you.
You emotionally cheated on me.
Whenever I tried to pull you in, you pushed me away.
Whenever you tried to pull me in, I pushed you away, because my feelings for you were starting to change.

I watched you ask out another girl right in front of me.
I sat there when you would call other women "sexy" right in my face.
I've put up with your public disrespect towards me.
I have been publicly humiliated.
You have told me time and time again about the way you really felt about me when you were angry.
I heard you.
I listened.
I just didn't accept it, because I loved you so much.

I've grown to be attached to you.
No matter how mean you were to me I still wanted to be in your presence.
I was there when you were depressed.
I was there when you were going through family loss.
I was there when you would cry, I was the one who held you.
I was there to reassure you.
Lift you up whenever you were discouraged.
I would put up with you calling me "stupid" and telling me to shut up whenever I tried providing solutions to your problems.

I have cried myself to sleep several nights as you loved to show me how much I meant nothing to you.
Blocking me when things didn't go your way.
Saying you had nobody even though you had me.
Telling me you didn't want me whenever you would get in one of your little moods.
Throwing little fits, all because you had an attitude.
Cussing me out because I say or do the wrong things in your eyes.
You didn't want me to put up a fight.
Yet you expected me to bite my tongue whenever you did wrong.
You didn't ever want to be wrong.

The more my heart ached.
The more I cried.
The more you disrespected me.
The more you disregarded my needs.
The more you invalidate my feelings.
The more you walked away.
The more you pushed me away.
The more you threw me away.
The more you killed my self esteem.
The more you lifted my head up just to knock it back down.
The more you humiliated me.
The more my heart started to leave from feeling for you.

You took pieces and pieces away from me.
You broke my spirit every time you insulted me.
I couldn't believe how could someone I love or how could someone who supposedly "loves" me be so ok with hurting me with his tongue?
I couldn't believe it.
You'd think a girl would feel some pleasure.
But all this girl felt was pain.
You made loving you hurt.
Love isn't supposed to hurt.

However, there were times where loving you hurt like hell.
I guess you were right.
I was a stupid bitch for allowing you to treat me any kind of way.
I was a stupid bitch for staying with you even when I was nothing to you but a rebound.
I was your backup.
I was your only option until you got the woman or the nerve to attract the real woman you wanted.

I was your placeholder.
I was your doormat.
I was your emotional punching bag.
I was your projection project.
I was your only option, yet you still didn't want me.
You didn't want me the way I wanted you.
Now, I'm leaning towards not wanting you or anyone at all anymore.
One thing you couldn't call me was a cold hearted bitch.
Sadly, I think that's who I'll end up becoming in the end.

If I wasn't broken before, I definitely am broken now.
But I've been trying to repair myself.
The more I try to repair myself.
The more you break me apart.
You want me to be broken, because you're broken.
But I don't want to be broken.
I don't want to stay broken.
I want to be repaired.
I want my heart to be repaired. -J.S.
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