Bare Soul

My soul is not up for bargain

I'm tired of feeling like I am obligated to do something to make someone satisfied just because they help me. (even if I didn't ask for their help)
I have to be available 24/7 in order to satisfy someone. If I am not, it's a problem.
Now they have an attitude.
I have to drop everything I'm doing to be available to someone else's needs.
If I don't then they'll have an attitude with me.
Now they're ready to verbally harm me or walk away from me.
I'm tired of feeling like I owe someone my soul just because they do the bare minimum or just because they think they've done a ton for me.

I'm tired of accepting favors from people who claim they "love me" and have my "best interest at heart" and then when they're upset with me they throw everything they've done for me in my face.
I'm tired of asking for help whenever I need it (which isn't much) because I am told to ask for help whenever I seriously need it, and then in return I have to listen to the people I love insult me.
I'm tired of being demanded of everything, but not being allowed to demand anything in return.

I'm tired of feeling like I owe someone my soul for being there when they want to be there.
For being half there.
For doing anything for me.
I'm tired of owing someone my soul because of what they offered to do for me.
I'm tired of my soul being in debt.
Whenever I do something for someone, it's from the kindness of my heart. I don't ask for anything in return.

It just feels like I'm always expected to give something in return, even when I don't ask the same of someone.
The love and care I have for someone is not transactional.
Nor do I have any expectations.
If I did have any expectations it would be simple: a hug when I'm sad, someone to laugh with, make memories with, share good news with, go through the highs and lows in life together, comfort, a smile when I'm not feeling so great, and just be there. Someone's company and conversation is always enough for me.
But other people want more.
People always want more.
What sucks is they can disappoint me, but I can't disappoint them.
They can disrespect me, but I can't disrespect them.

It's not fair.
I have to give up my wants.
I have to give up my needs.
I have to give up my alone time.
I have to give up my privacy.
I have to give up my piece of mind.
I have to give up my money.
I have to give up my time.
I have to give up my body.
I have to give up my energy.
I have to give up my love.
I have to give up my sleep.
I have to give up my freedom.
I have to give up my voice.
I have to give up my happiness.
I have to give up my heart.

I have to give up a lot of things, to only gain nothing in return.
Nothing in return but heartbreak, abandonment, and disappointment.
I have a lot to give, but not a lot to gain.
The only thing I wanted to gain was genuine souls.
I guess that's too much to ask for.
I'm tired of ungenuine souls.
And I'm tired of owing my soul.

Just like people walk around as if they don't owe me anything, I don't owe anything either.
You don't owe me.
And I don't owe you.
I don't owe you my soul either.
My soul belongs to me.
My soul is not up for bargain.-J.S.
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