Lily Evans and the Marauder's Secrets

Chapter 14: James

It's the next Friday. I'm watching my watch tick the time slowly closer to eight pm from the privacy of my bed, ignoring Carol studying at her desk across the room, and Potter and I have tutoring together again tonight. Alone time with him right now... unbearable.

Our rescheduled tutoring on Wednesday went just fine. Potter met me in the library after I finished tutoring Timothy, and we practiced more animal Transfiguration. He said nothing more about where he'd been the previous evening, though he seemed suspiciously tired, yawning through our wand work drills. However, despite the sleepiness, he cheerfully corrected all my poor attempts and by the end of our session, I actually managed to transform the rooster James had brought along into a cat, which, considering where I'd been a mere four weeks ago with that spell, was a right miracle. Potter shot confetti out of his wand in celebration, and I tried to further show off my blossoming Transfiguration skills by Vanishing the mess. It only partially worked, and so Potter had to take care of the rest before we left the library. "Next," he promised, "we'll focus on Vanishing Spells." I knocked into him with my shoulder, laughed, and agreed.

So I'm not dreading being around Potter anymore, not exactly. We've found a good rhythm and tutoring is going... well, much better than I had ever anticipated.

No, the reason being around James is unbearable is that ever since he mentioned me using his first name, I started to realize that despite what I said, I do not think of Potter in exclusively 'Potter' terms anymore. Frankly, it's alarming to me just how often I catch myself calling him 'James' in my inner monologue. And how often he's even appearing in my inner monologue. And I'm just not entirely sure what to do with that. Or what it even means.

All I know is that I am a bundle of confusion right now when it comes to James Potter. On one hand, he's this boy who patiently tutors me and makes me laugh despite my better judgement and worries he's not good enough to be Head Boy. He sticks up for his friends, which somehow includes me, and, while he's so stubborn and mischievous and sometimes misguided, he also somehow seems to be just... good.

But then, on the other hand... there's the boy he's always been before. Arrogant and proud, wreaking havoc just for a laugh. Truly tormenting Severus, often for absolutely no reason. I want to believe that James Potter doesn't exist anymore, but how do you just ignore six years of such behavior? Especially when he can still pull stunts like that stupid thundercloud last week. Even if it was in my defense...

Agh. Another look at my watch. 7:57. I really can't put this off any longer.

I slip off the bed, pull my shoes on, and grab my school bag. As I make to leave, Carol calls out. "Tell James I send my love, Lily."

"Give him your love yourself," I retort, then instantly regret it; I don't think I want her giving James – Potter, I correct myself – any kind of affection.

Carol smiles, showing all her teeth. "Maybe I will."

I don't give her the satisfaction of another idiotic retort. I leave.

Downstairs, in the common room, I find James – Potter – wrapped up in a game of Exploding Snap with Black and Pettigrew. Potter's cat, a small gray tabby named Marmalade, dozes at the end of the table. Remus must still be feeling under the weather, since he's nowhere to be seen. He's been missing from classes since Wednesday. I guess I spoke too soon on rounds with him. If you asked me to describe Remus Lupin, 'frequently ill' would be among the first things I'd list, along with 'mostly responsible', 'semi-reliable prefect', and 'really, he'd be an outstanding bloke if he wasn't mixed up with all that Marauder nonsense'.

I hover uncertainly at the edge of the group, not sure how to approach them all at once. I watch as Potter flips a pair of cards and successfully matches them. He looks up then and sees me while Black and Pettigrew continue the game.