An Intangible Pattern

The long drive

She woke the next morning feeling exhausted and groggy. Red light from the newly risen sun streamed through the blinds and she rubbed her eyes. She caught sight of the water and pills on her bedside and the memories came crashing back with sickening clarity. She rushed to the bathroom and vomited. With her stomach empty, she sat on the floor dazed and disoriented for a few minutes until she recovered. She went to take another shower but her stomach lurched again at the sight of the sodden pile of clothing in the bath.
Angrily, she grabbed the clothing and threw it in the trash. She turned on the shower and stood under the hot water, her mind racing.
How can I meet the others for breakfast in this state. I can't tell them what happened, I just can't.
But she also did not think she could hide it. She felt she would dissolve into tears the minute anyone asked her where she went last night.
I want to go home! I can't face anyone right now.
She stepped out of the shower, picked up the bathrobe and wrapped it round herself. She was still weak so she steadied herself against the wall and moved back to the bed. Shaking she thought:
Am I even fit to drive in this state? But I don't feel safe here. Oh god! I don't know what to do.
She spotted her clutch bag on the bed and pulled it towards her. She reached in and pulled out her phone, there were several missed calls and text messages.
The messages from Cat read:

Hey, where are you? Are you ok?

Please answer your phone?

I'm worried, is everything ok?

Arthur just let me know you are back at the hotel? Are you ok? He told me you are feeling sick?

Noah said you were asleep. I'll check in with you in the morning, hope you feel better <3

She felt miserable; she knew that leaving right now would hurt her sister more, but it couldn't be helped. Better that she be a little offended, than horrified. Looking at her phone she saw it was already nearly 4 am. She would need to leave soon or risk running into them.
Still shaking, she got up and put the kettle on. She didn't think she could eat, but maybe coffee would help revive her a little. She dressed in leggings and a sweater and threw her belongings into the suitcase without even looking at them. She considered the trash can filled with wet clothes.
No I can't just leave it here, what if a cleaner notices and reports it.
Clenching her jaw in disgust she took the bag out of the trash can, tied it and threw it into the suitcase too.
I can't believe I have to clean up his crime scene. Any other day…
She looked at the pills on the bedside table and cringed.
Why do something like that? You couldn't just let me hate you, could you? Couldn't you just be a normal monster.
The memory of his tortured face, as he held her and whispered apologies to her, flashed in her memory and made her insides burn. She couldn't quite place the emotion, was it hatred? Shame? Pity? Fighting the temptation to throw the medication in the trash she tossed it in her case and zipped it closed. It enraged her that he could be so practical after what he did.
She looked for the key card but it was nowhere to be seen. Cold panic filled her chest as she envisioned him taking it with him. Did he plan to return? Was he going to come back and hurt her? She opened her suitcase and sobbed in relief as she saw it under the bag of wet clothing. Closing the case for a second time she checked the time and left.
The reception hall was empty when the elevator door rolled open and she could hear the bustle of staff preparing breakfast in the dining hall. Without hesitation she strode across the hall and dropped her key in the return box, then marched out of the hotel. The morning air was cool and the sky was a crisp dreamy blue graced with a crescent moon and iridescent clouds. The city was yet to stir and she would normally appreciate the sensation of openness and calm, but at that moment her eyes were scanning the carpark. She clicked her keys and rushed over as her car chirped in welcome. She dumped her suitcase in the back seat, climbed in and locked the door, then started the car. Pressing down too hard on the accelerator, the car revved as she pulled out, onto the main road. She let the anxiety she had been suppressing pour out of her then and sobbed as she drove. It was a two hour journey back to the sanitorium, at some point she would need to stop and let everyone know where she had gone, preferably before they came looking for her. She breathed deeply and focused on the open road ahead.
Thankfully the road was mostly empty, at least for outgoing traffic. She was clear of the city before the morning commute choked the streets. Her nerves were taught and she knew she would likely have had an accident if it had been busier. She stopped only once at a rest stop to refuel and text her family:

Hi sorry, I won't be at breakfast. I've come down with something nasty and would rather not pass it on to anyone. Especially not before the honeymoon. Decided to go home, will catch up with you soon. Love you x.

She switched her phone off and dropped it on the dashboard.
Bending her head to the steering wheel, she took a few deep breaths to steady herself and started the car again.
When she finally arrived at the sanitorium she was exhausted and her back and shoulders hurt. She dragged her case to her dormitory room and collapsed onto her bed. She didn't cry, she was too numb for tears now, all she wanted was the warm safety of her bed and the gentle oblivion of sleep.