A Servant's Security

Chapter 28

"Miss Elizabeth, do you think you would've been happy if you never got married?" They were alone washing clothes and it seemed like a good time to ask that question. All the other girls made it sound like marriage was the key to happiness.

Miss Elizabeth stopped in the middle of scrubbing a shirt. She took a moment to think about the answer before replying. "I heard someone say that women want a husband because they want someone to love them and protect them, while men want a wife because they want someone to cook and clean for them."

"Why did you marry? Was it for love?"

"For that and so much more."

"Were you happy when you were married?"

"I was happy." She smiled. Isabel knew that Elizabeth had four children, one died as a baby. "My children and husband were my whole life, along with caring for Lord Goodwin and his brother and sister."

"Lord Goodwin has a brother and a sister?"

"He had. They are gone now. His brother, who was the oldest, died several years ago with a fever. His sister died a couple years later. When his brother died, Lord Goodwin's life changed. Around that time, he met Jane, his wife. She only married him for his wealth and power."

Isabel felt sick thinking about how Lord Goodwin was treated badly, especially by his own wife. She thought about the painting of a woman and a baby lying dead in a coffin. How much pain did Lord Goodwin have in his life?

Clearly, marriage could bring pain as well as happiness. By going to Rosings, she wouldn't have to be tormented with confusing thoughts or proposals or attacks. The only thing that bothered her was Lord Goodwin. He said he would miss her when she left. She remembered the way he touched her cheek... but she was only a servant. He wasn't in love with her. She didn't even want him to be.

Did she?

She shook her head. She didn't have an answer for that.

When Isabel sat down to change Lord Goodwin's bandage, Sir Neville and Miss Elizabeth left the room. 

"I have something to tell you while we're alone," said Lord Goodwin.

"Yes, my lord?"

"I received a letter from my aunt. It turns out you won't be able to go as soon as I hoped."

Isabel was surprised when she didn't feel any disappointment from the news.

"My aunt told me that there is an illness that is spreading around the village. No one has died yet, but she told me to wait until she can send word that the illness is over. You won't be able to avoid being here when the jury begins their questions about the bailiff's attack."

"I see." The idea of standing before the jury and everyone from the village scared her.

"I will do my best to make sure that Sir Neville won't reveal what he knows. And I promise I won't betray your secret."

Isabel nodded.

"I'm sorry you can't leave yet."

"I'm afraid of having to answer the jury's questions."

"I will protect you as much as I can."

"I know. God works out everything for good, remember?" She frowned. "But sometimes I wonder if He's angry with me and that's why this is happening."

"Angry? Why would He be angry with you?"

"I did a terrible thing by almost killing the bailiff. He might not be a good man but I should have never reacted the way I did."

"But you didn't-"

"No, I didn't throw the rock, but what happened to him was my fault. It's my fault if he dies."

"How?"

"By carrying a knife around! I pulled the knife out and held it like I was going to harm him with it. It didn't do any good to be at all. He didn't have a weapon. He took mine. If he dies, it will be my fault."

"No, Isabel. It won't." Lord Goodwin's voice was firm.

"Yes, it will! I should've screamed until help came." What was the use talking about this?

"Isabel, listen to me. It wasn't your fault. You struggled. You tried to scream. You did all that you could. I heard you when I was on my walk, but I didn't reach you in time. Henry did. You have to stop torturing yourself."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

They sat in silence while Isabel was finishing up her work. As she was wrapping the bandage around his arm, a thought hit her. She realized she barely knew anything about him, about his family or his past. The only thing she knew about was the wolf attack and his wife. "You said that your aunt is your mother's sister. Is your mother still alive?"

"She died five years ago. My father died last spring. My brother and sister also have been dead for a couple of years. The worst might've been my sister's death. She dies the same week my wife and child died."

"I'm so sorry." He was all alone. "How long were you married?"

"Two years, but there wasn't any love, at least not on her side. She never cared about me."

Isabel swallowed. He has dealt with so much pain. She wanted to do something or say something to comfort him.

"No one knows if the child was mine or... his, but I was ready to make him my own. After all, it wasn't the child's fault that his mother was... the way she was."