☆ in bloom ★ (style)

twelve

2363 words (false alarm)

so it's been quite a few days since kyles "joined our band" and i can say with my chest now that i'm definitely into him.

i knew he was literally breathtaking before and that's why i asked for his number, but for some reason it never clicked to me that guys normally do that to girls, not boys.

and i started becoming a little suspicious of myself when i would get all worked up whenever he texts me. he's just so different from other people. it's the same feeling i got when i first started dating wendy. but it's totally different because she was a girl, so everyone knew we were gonna get together. even we knew we were going to eventually. but with kyle? i feel like i have to be more undercover for some reason. i mean, it's 2023 it's not like everyone's gonna push us to the dirt and tell us to get out of their town, but if people found out i like him? that would basically be a coming out and i'm definitely not ready for that bit of information to be spread around.

people make such a big deal out of it. when tweek and craig got together and admitted they were gay, everyone literally worshipped them. and if i admit i like guys, everyone's probably gonna know it's kyle. we just met last week and we're inseparable.

i think everyone knows he's gay though. i mean, he only really hangs out with girls and he wears make up sometimes. and he dresses pretty gay. you don't normally find straight dudes wearing parachute jeans with converse and the same sweatshirt everyday to be playing for the football team.
i don't really want to ask him about it because i think he'd either figure out i like him or he'd make fun of me.

my birthdays tomorrow and we're gonna celebrate it friday night with a huge concert. im not mad that i have a concert on my birthday because i love doing them, but i kind of wished i had gotten a more low key party. i don't like the idea of celebrating with the whole school. but who am i to complain? i talked to kyle about it already and he said he'd like it if i got him and his friend heidi backstage the whole time. it would calm me down to know that after the show, me and kyle can get the hell out of there and hang out at his place.

me and the band wrap up our rehearsal at around 9:30 and i call my dad to drive us home since my license will still be suspended for another month or so.

i'm actually pretty excited to play some radiohead. thom's vocals are pretty tough but once you get them down they're absolutely beautiful. and i know butters is kinda struggling on the guitar parts. i hope that doesn't become an issue at the show.

we wait on jimmys doorstep for my dad to show up. normally, jimmys mom would have us wait in the house but she went to bed already.
waiting on his doorstep have me some time to really think about the concert while kenny and butters sit there talking about stupid stuff. this concert is going to be atleast twice as big as our normal concerts. not by quantity, but by quality. we talked to the starry night people about making this concert special, and they're planning on having all sorts of food trucks, a light show (sort of), and alcohol. the alcohol part kind of scares me.

i'm very vulnerable to alcohol. i've sworn to myself that i wouldn't try any drugs because of how addictive they are, and to only drink when at a party where other people are drinking too. drinking when you're down in the dumps is how you become an alcoholic, and i don't want to go back to my old ways. for being an angsty sixteen year old, i think i'm doing a pretty good job. the last time i drank was over a month ago for butters' birthday. but before that it was 7 months, being kenny's birthday. and i really consider "drunk" to be like black out drunk and can't drive. but i'm worried because i already know that someone else is going to be driving me home, so how much alcohol will i end up drinking?

when im drunk it's not like im not functional. i mean i can still react to my surroundings pretty well under five drinks. i think for the most part i can hide the fact im drunk; to an extent. if im only singing and not answering any questions then i should be pretty much set. but sometimes, like when i don't have anyone tell me to stop drinking, i'm really embarassing. i tumble around and sometimes i talk to people thinking it's someone else. i also tend to get pretty pissed off at everything that comes my way. but i'm not violent by any means. i just wouldn't want to see myself around someone like kyle when i'm black out drunk.