Ntsumi ka Moreetsi

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“Please Rego, he asked for you.” Bhuti. Everyone on the table has stopped eating and are looking at us.
“Maybe tomorrow. Babe what did you add in curry?” I dismiss him.
“I added saffron and coconut milk.” Babe.
“It’s delicious.”
“He didn’t mean what he said.” Bhuti.
“I respect you a lot Bhuti, please let’s keep it that way.” He looks down and eats. I clear the table with Okuhle then I wash the dishes and go take a bath. I find Miso on the bed.
“What happened?”
“He told me to leave if I didn’t want to help him.” I explain to him word for word.
“He didn’t mean it.” Miso.
“It doesn’t matter, I needed him to do that. I am nothing to him, only a girl he helped. I will stay in my lane.”
“No Sissy, sleep it off and you will feel better in the morning. He loves you.” Miso kisses my forehead and closes the door behind him.
I breathe out hard trying to calm myself down. Tears fall again, I get into bed and cover my head with the blanket to try muffle my cries. My heart and chest hurt, they feel on fire. I have shortness of breath the more I try to take deep breaths. I pull my head out of the covers and find Babe standing at the door.
“Oh my poor angel, I am so sorry, I wish I could take away your pain.” Babe opens his arms for me. I let out a loud sob and fall apart. He rubs my back without a word.
“It hurts so Bad Babe, why do I care.” I stutter.
“You love him. Come sleep with your daddy. I can’t sleep in the bed you share with your husband.” Babe wipes tears away, they keep falling though. I fix my bed and go find Babe in his bedroom.
“As a doctor, I shouldn’t be doing this however as your father, I am giving you one pill to help you sleep, in the event that you are pregnant. I don’t know you as this emotional person.” Babe hands me a sleeping pill.
“I am not pregnant, It has been a challenging few months.”
“Hmm. Get into bed.” Babe switches off the lights. I don’t drink the pill because I had some earlier on. I need to feel all this pain so that I can start healing and not depend on medication.
“The first heartbreak is always the hardest, sleep now.” Babe.
I know grief changes people, I have read all the books on it. Trauma as well, my knowledge does not make the pain any less. Babe shuffling in the bedroom wakes me up. The clock says it is 5am. I make the bed and then go to my room for a bath, I need to drive to Pheko’s place to get my clothes and laptop. “Ntsumi, where are you going?” Babe.
“Work, a girl must work.”
“No, you will get family responsibility leave.” Babe.
“Sir, my family is here at home. I will see you later.”
“Don’t do that, you are promised me you would never go back to being that shell.” Babe.
“I promise you I am fine, I cried it out and I feel better. I will be a bit late, I have an appointment with Lerato at 4pm.”
“Call me when you get to work.” Babe.
“I love you.”
“Always.” He opens the door for me and watches me drive off. I get to the apartment and I sit on the couch my legs feeling weak, my heart painful. It all comes back, I am a failure. I sit on the floor and cry, I scream until my throat hurts. I rock myself to sleep on the carpet.
I wake up feeling disoriented. It is 1pm when I get up from the floor and start packing my suitcase and toiletries. An hour later, put my bags in the car. I change the bedding from his bedroom and Omo’s and I put it in the washer. I clean the rooms while I wait for laundry. I respond to my texts messages, at 4pm. The house is clean, the clean linen is on his bed. I lock the house and drive to the medical center for my appointment. “Mrs Moreetsi. How are you?”
“Ntsumi is fine. How are you?”Lerato asks.
“I’m, I am okay.”
“Okay is not a feeling.” Lerato. I smile knowing that she does not like it when we use okay as a feeling. I take a deep breath and wipe my falling tears.