Ntsumi ka Moreetsi

I'm Sorry

“I’m overwhelmed.” I confess to Pheko who is waiting for me to get dressed. We are attending the funeral of his best friend. His mother and Bhuti  will be accompanying us. He is annoyed with the shorts he is wearing with slippers. He says this will grab people’s attention, eye roll.
“How can I make it better?” he asks picking up my leg and tying my shoes.
“I don’t know, this heaviness in my chest hurts. These breathes I take hurt.”
“I’m sorry, I wish.” I finish his sentence and we laugh.
“I know, you would take away my pain. I am covering you with the fawn fleece, it goes with my doek and shoes.”
“Twin goal much.”Pheko pushes himself to open the door for his family. I walk out with my bag and our phones in hand. I see a text from Minnenhle.
“Mama kaBafana, my heart felt condolences about your loss, I am asking for permission to come over tonight with dinner?”
“Hey Make, I was thinking of calling you this afternoon, please come with the boys for a sleep over.”
“Girl, I will gladly bring your kids. Thinking of you.” I send a heart emoji and greet mama who gives me a bone crushing hug.
“Rego, are you okay?” She asks after pulling away. I blink my tears away.
“Ausi K, please don’t ruin her make up. It took us 5 hours to get ready.” Pheko, I throw a cushion at him. Bhuti laughs.
“Even as a grant holder, you are problematic?” Bhuti teases, Pheko bumps him with his chair laughing. A truly beautiful sight to see.
“I’m overwhelmed by emotions, *Sigh* but we try again this morning. How are you feeling?”
“I am sad for your loss and grateful for Pheko being alive. The I feel guilty for being happy that Pheko is alive. ” Mama.
“It is understandable, don’t be too hard on yourself.”
“Look at the kettle.” She laughs. Bhuti helps Pheko out of the house to the car. I lock the house and get in the back with Pheko, he leans his leg on the seat with his back slightly to me, his head on my chest.
We arrive at the Mabuza house and an usher leads us to the 3rd row in the front. Bhuti is pushing Pheko on his chair, his mother and takes a seat and then Bhuti followed by me and Pheko.
“Pheko, you will be speaking on behalf of his friends.” Mabuza’s sister who introduces herself giving us programmes. I raise my eyebrows and look at Pheko before facing forward.
“Noted.” He nods his head and clenched his jaw, I noticed he does this when he is trying to gather his emotions.
The tent begins filling with mourners, some of the men in uniform come to greet Pheko and take their seats. We stand up and the soldiers take off their hats, Mabuza’s coffin which is a shinny dome shaped mahogany colour is ushered to the front of the tent. A flag is draped on it, his wife and mother are cleaning to each other, walking to their seats in front. A song is started and the priest prays and reads a verse, another song follows and Pheko is called to the front.
His colleague pushes him to the front and stands next to him. Pheko looks uncomfortable, he fiddles with his hands and quickly looks down. I walk up to him with my purse and wipe his tears that he is trying to hide.
“I’m sorry my love.” I whisper. He nods and holds onto my hand when I try to walk back to my seat. I squeeze his hand.
He is given the mic, he takes a deep breath with his eyes closed. “Where do I even begin, this man betrayed me. *Sigh* in the middle of the fires and shootout, he told me to tell his wife that he is sorry,
he asked me to check up on his kids and mother. He made me promise to ask my wife to see his wife as a friend,
I agreed and told him we would both tell them when we landed. Mellow, your husband loved you, he held on to see you. I am sorry he didn’t make it.”
Pheko tears up, I give the mic to the colleague then push him out of the tent, someone follows behind us with bottled water.
“Thank you. “ I say to the usher. Mama walks out and a song is started.
“I am sorry my boy.”mama hugs Pheko who cries out loud in his mother’s embrace.
“Will you be able to continue talking?” mama asks. Pheko shakes his head, mama walks in and I walk us to the car. We sit quietly in the car, I rub his head.
“Are you still bleeding?” Pheko breaks the silence.
“You are so random, yes it’s not as heavy. I have double protection on.” I smile.
“Are you feeling better?” he nods, I peck his hand. The coffin is walked out. People start leaving the tent, Bhuti gets in the car and he starts it.
“O right boy?”Bhuti asks.
“Boy? A husband to such a beautiful woman? Morris why don’t you see me?” Pheko.
“You will always be a boy.” Morris.
“Morris, you don’t want me telling mama what you did to Rego and I.” Pheko teases, he and I laugh. Bhuti stops talking immediately.
“What did he do?” mama asks. The car erupts in laughter.
“I did nothing.”Morris parks at the cemetery. The family gets out of the cars and we follow them. The priest does the rites and he is laid to rest, Pheko is emotional. The drive home after we eat lunch is long. I reflect on the week and the next coming months. Babe will be gone and this will be us.