HIS ROYAL BRIDE

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 4

[KULANI]

FLIP! How could Kurhula allow me to sleep until this time? I rush out of bed and bolt into the bathroom to wash my face and my teeth. The pyjamas come off and I find a long-sleeved navy-blue dress with a matching floral headwrap. They all turn their faces to look at me when I appear. Aunt Fanisa laughs sardonically and sips on her tea. Mhan’ Xongi says nothing. She doesn’t even look at me. Kurhula is trying not to laugh. This is a devil’s agent operating on a permanent contract.
‘Good morning’ I greet and continue to stand. I am mortified because the judgement is thick in the air. Junior’s head is not even here. He’s on his phone as always. They greet back and Aunt Lydia pulls out a chair for me. I sit in between her and Kurhula. She’s already drinking alcohol. He pulls out a plate and puts in front of me. I grab one slice of toast. This is all I’ll be having. My stomach is full from sheer embarrassment. They continue their conversations and the awkwardness begins to dissipate.
‘When will your sister get here to do my hair? I am leaving next week’
I don’t even know if Rhandzu will agree. She might say no because first impressions last with her.
‘I will call her this afternoon and ask’ I bite from my toast and side eye Kurhula. He continues being silent, with that smile on his face. He knows what he did wrong.
‘Kulani, the traditional part of things is basically done. Are you aware that you’re a makoti here?’ Aunt Fanisa finally speaks. She’s been eyeing me for some time. I keep quiet, out of respect for everyone around this table. She and I both know that my waking up late is not what this is about.
‘Aunty, yiman’nyana. She overslept because she slept late last night. It’s normal human behaviour’ Kurhula says and I apologize for the sake of it. Aunt Fanisa looks away – still looking dissatisfied. I thought mhan’Xongi was disappointed in me but the longer I sit here, I realize that her sadness has nothing to do with me. I don’t even want to entertain this because she’s going to infect me with her morosity. I plan on having a good day.
‘I am just saying that you should respect this home, and this habit of yours of speaking English with your elders—’
‘Oh please. Give it a rest already. We have more important things to discuss’ Aunt Lydia interjects.
‘Like what?’ Fanisa asks, already irritated with what might come out of Lydia’s mouth.
‘Uhm… how about the fact that you don’t have a matric certificate? That you failed this very English you speak of with a 13%? That’s a good place to start. Are you aware that irregardless is not  a word? Do you even have the slightest idea what the word regard means?’
‘Lydia!’ Mhan’ Xongi reprimands as always. Aunt Lydia raises her flute and sips her champagne – unbothered. Kurhula is obviously exhausted. He’s not even trying to intervene.
‘I was just sharing food for thought, but shame I understand why it was difficult for you to grasp certain things. Even flammable and inflammable essentially mean the same thing so… very tricky for a flat brain’ she takes another slow sip.
I don’t know where to look. I should’ve just stayed in that room and left people to continue eating in peace. Fanisa is cooking a comeback. I can just see it under that twitching sneer.
‘Well, at least I can keep a man unlike somebody who has entered the divorce court more than once’
There’s subtle exclamations around the table. This is escalating at a dangerous rate. Junior keeps moving his eyes from one woman to the other as they throw rotten eggs across the table. Lydia laughs out loud.
‘It’s called maintaining standards, mon amour. Nothing you know anything about because even the husband you claim to have kept is quite… challenging on the visual side of things, may his hideous soul rest in pieces. Excuse me but…did you marry because there was a man willing and available or do you just generally have a concern-worthy and questionable taste in men?’
‘Damn!’ Junior says and we all shoot looks at him. ‘I’m sorry. I… I’m sorry’ he retreats’
All this mess because I was late for breakfast?
‘Lydia, I am older than you’ Fanisa admonishes and stabs the table surface with a fork.
‘There’s no need to point that out. Those eyebags and grey hairs are very much screaming ancient fossil’
‘Just because some of us don’t go to western doctors because we refuse to get OLD, it does not mean—’
‘Dr Parmessel to you. Say it. He’s bloody expensive for you to be referring to him as a random western doctor ngaku ulowa nsinyeni’ (like you’re falling off a tree)
If I wasn’t told otherwise, I’d easily swear that these two do not come from the same womb.
‘The money you receive from this skill you have of scamming men is driving you crazy’
Lydia laughs. ‘Thank for acknowledging that it is quite in fact a skill. It’s called getting married in COP if anybody was wondering. I can teach you a thing or two so you can also go consult with a reputable surgeon and stop carrying around the face of a genetically constructed dog gone wrong’
Fanisa gasps! Mhan’ Xongi has long given up on them. She keeps stirring the bowl of porridge in front of her, so much that it’s assuming the liquid consistency of a thin smoothy. Kurhula stands up and offers me his hand. I get up and we leave them still tearing one another apart.
‘We are we going?’ I ask when we step out of the yard.
‘Taking a walk, or were you enjoying that wrestle mania going on in there?’
I laugh at how bored he sounds.
‘Are they always like this?’ I ask.
He sighs. ‘Unfortunately, yes’
‘What kind of a person is Aunt Lydia? You seem to like her’
‘Ah’ – he chuckles – ‘Aunt Lydia is… just Aunt Lydia. She’s one of those people whose brains are disconnected from their mouths. Each is working independently nje’ he says and I shoot out laughter. How dare he?
‘That’s not a nice thing to say’
‘What? It’s true. She’s just… she shoots straights to the point and doesn’t care who gets burnt with the fire she spits’
‘Is she the same with you and Edward Jr?’ I ask. I have noticed the soft spot she has for the two.
‘No one is spared’
‘And Aunt Fanisa?’
The smile completely disappears from his face.
‘I brought you out here for some fresh air. Please don’t pollute the atmosphere’
There’s something here. Something big. I am not quite sure what it is but from the little I know about this woman, the discovery won’t be palatable the day things come out in the open.
‘Come with me to Port Elizabeth’
That was rather random. I’m not sure.
‘Come on, or do you want me to leave you behind with these old women? I don’t want you calling me crying saying you want to return back home’
I laugh. I know who he is referring to, but I can defend myself. Aunt Fanisa is the type of person you just allow to shout until they get tired and go to sleep. You don’t say a single word, you just nod and apologize. I was raised by someone similar so this is nothing bizarre.
‘What are you going to do in PE?’
‘My client has been arrested’
‘For what?’
‘Murder’
I have always wanted to ask this.
‘Do you defend such people even when you know they’re guilty?’
‘There’s a reason why I’m the advocate and not the judge. My job is to keep people out of jail, not enforcing morality’
I swear, the devil has a special furnace for lawyers in hell.