Yall, do not get me wrong, I love gifts, but That shit's STRESSFULL.
FIRSTLY, let's taking about GIVING gifts.
I could know you for like, twelve years, and I WOULD NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.
And apparently, you shouldn't ask a person, because then they'll know what they're getting!
And then, there's the whole WRAPPING DEALIO.
WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA THAT YOU HAVE TO WRAP GIFTS??? LIKE, WHY CAN'T WE JUST USE BOXES AND BAGS?????????????????? YOU CAN FUCKING REUSE THOSE! THINK OF THE TURTLES, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Firstly, let's talk about the weird, misshapen gifts.
You know what my dipshit little brother asked for?
Crocs. And a basketball.
My mother admitted that we can't wrap a basketball, so we got a box, but the CROCS.
I fucking hated it.
You might be thinking 'why didnt you just put them in the box?'
well one, bitch, you think you're smarter than me?
You probably are tbh.
and two, the wrapping paper didn't completely cover the box, and two, wrapping boxes still sucks, because the CORNERSSSSSSSSS.
THEY TEAR THE PAPER AND I HATE THEM!
Now, lets move onto receiving gifts.
Here's something that bugs me.
Why do people give gift cards?
JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY!
when you use a gift card, you end up having like, ten cents left, and you can't spend that on shit, and companies get that money, and they make SO MUCH MONEY FROM THAT!
Secondly, when people give you gifts, why do they expect you to always react like, 'woooooooooooooooooooooooooow! Amazing! I would have killed a guy for this! here, let me just set off some fucking fireworks!'???
Bitch, what's wrong with being 'Oh, this is nice. Thanks.'
Let me and my homies who can't properly express emotions exist, that's all I want!
Like, if you just say that you like it and thank them, their faces are all like 'bitch, tf you say?'
I TOLD YOU I LIKED IT, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?????
I am very bad at expressing emotions. I have a resting 'I wanna kms' face.
Like, I'll be sitting there and someone will go 'ohhhhh, are you ok????????'
Bitch, relax your face. as far as I know, the default expression of every human is an 'Im bored as fuck' face.
That's why i like kris kringles (or Secret Santas, for the citizens of the US of A, or other places. idfk.)
You just get your gift, and just go 'Oh, thanks to whoever got this for me.'
And they can't get pissed to your face, coz that BREAKS THE TEN KRIS KRINGLE COMANDMENTS.
OH OH OH! LET ME TELL YOU A DEPRESSING STORY!
K, so on the second last week of school, me and the bastards/ my fam went to Bali for a week, and while we were there my class drew names for a Kris Kringle, and they didn't think to like, DM me a name on SEQTA or some shit, so I got FUCKING NOTHING.
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
My teacher practically forced me to watch everyone else get their presents, and then you know hat he did in front of fucking everyone?
He gave me a fucking tiny little packet of skittles.
In front of my entire fucking class.
Including my SWORN ENEMIES (The mullet kid) and my... maybe possible crush? Someone please tell me how to identify a crush.
so yeah. I love presents, but I hate the STRUGGLES OF GIVING AND RECIEVEING GIFTS!!!!!!!!
***What up?***
I decided this was a perfect segway to another little thing I like to call...
HOW TO MAKE FAMILY GATHERINGS MORE INTERESTING!
Here are some tips and tricks on how to bring a little chaos into your family's life.
ONE.
Purchase and wear an eye patch to the gathering.
This would be good enough on it's own, but if you wanna take it a step further, if people ask you about it, use one of these answers.
"Oh, my *parent/ guardian* didn't tell you? Eh. Guess they didn't wanna freak you out'
"Like you care you didn't even bother to text when i was in the hospital!"
"Its amazing what snakes and spiders can do to a person"
"I'll tell you when you aren't eating"
'You don't wanna know. I wish i didn't even know."
TWO.
The 'sorry, i have to take a phone call. *proceeds to run the mafia*'
leave the room, and just loudly talk into your phone.
Use words like murder, injury, dead, lying, circumstances
And phrases like
"I told you and you didn't listen!"
"Just snap something and they'll talk!"
"Bitch, I'm not paying you for this!"
"God forbid I expect you to hold up your end of the bargain!"
"Am I paying you five grand to keep your mouth shut or open? *Pause* That's right! Shut! SO WHY DO THEY KNOW?"
THREE.
Talk to pets.
That's it really.
Just, any pets, talk to them like they're fucking businessmen.
Just be like,
"hey fluffy! How've you been going? *pause* ah. Owners being light on the food? That sucks man. You know what? I'll have a chat with them. See if we can negotiate."
Literally just do that. Especially when people are watching.
FOUR.
Just blurt out a random thing during a a conversation.
Like...
Bitchy in law: yeah, the foods good. except Susan overcooked the turkey, but we can't all be perfect! *Bitchy laugh*
You: remember when I fell off a cliff?
Bitchy in law: I... what?
Your parent/ guardian: Yeah, *Your name* fell off a cliff when we went on holiday.
Bitchy: I...
ENJOY PEOPLE THINKING YOU'RE VERY STRANGE!
Hope these make family gatherings less...
Relative you haven't talked to in a year: How've things been going?
You: *I have depression.* Good.
Relative you haven't talked to in a year: How's school?
You: *I've contemplated suicide many times.* Good.
Relative you haven't talked to in a year: how's your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ partner?
You: *oh, they cheated and I hit them with my car.* Good.
yeah, less of that.
