Hello, I am Elizabeth Mc'𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 MF, and today I'm teaching you how to be one of the judgmental pieces of shit- I mean, the lovely 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 ladies on the internet.
1. how to breath 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉𝓁𝓎
Don't breath through your nose and mouth, that could cause wrinkling.
Instead, modify your DNA so that you can absorb oxygen in the atmosphere through your skin.
2. how to Sit 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉𝓁𝓎
Don't sit on your butt, the un-𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 creatures do that
Instead, run towards the chair, do a triple back flip, landing in a perfect one legged stork pose, and just stay like that for the entire duration of whatever the fuck your doing.
3. how to drink water 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉𝓁𝓎
don't drink with your mouth, you might smudge your makeup
Reminder (Not that my fellow 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 readers need to know) that it is also very un-𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 to ever wear any makeup at all. it's also un-𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 to have any imperfections in your face. What's that? How do you win then? Oh, that's the neat part. You can't.
Drink with your eyelashes instead. Just grab a bowl of water, put it up to your eye, and absorb the water through your eyelashes
4. how to DIE 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉𝓁𝓎
Don't die in a car crash, or by drowning, or in any un-𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 ways
Die playing croquet in a fancy outfit.
Bonus: make your your last words are 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉. No "HELP! I'M DROWNING!" or "PLEASE LET ME LIVE!"
No, make sure your last words are stuff like "Alas!" or "Oh heavens!"
5. how to go to the bathroom 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉𝓁𝓎 when you're with friends
Don't say you need to go to the bathroom, because as we all know, natural bodily functions are not 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉.
Instead, say "Excuse me, my most excellent and 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 friends, but I must engage in a most 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 activity which is taking place out of the room. So, I must bid you adieu for a short while, my 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 friends."
6. how to cry 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉𝓁𝓎
don't cry with your eyes and tears and all that un-𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 stuff that'll mess up the makeup that you would never wear as an 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 person.
Instead, take a photograph of yourself, photoshop tears onto it, and stick it to your face
7. how to vote for this chapter 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉𝓁𝓎
Just vote. I need the votes. I don't fucking care how you do it.
Vote and comment if you want more tips, on how to be an 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 piece of shit.
Adieu, my most 𝑒𝓁𝑒𝑔𝒶𝓃𝓉 readers!
