Stray Kids Drabbles

Skz finds you battling self-harm (4)

Trigger warning: Skin picking, hair pulling, anxiety, and blood.

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You didn't realize Hyunjin moved from his spot until you felt his hand gently cup your wrist. You glanced down with confusion etched onto your face. He gave you a reassuring smile before he spoke. "You're doing it again."

You glanced down with a frown. Sure enough, you were doing it again without realizing it. Lost in your overwhelming thoughts, you began to pick at the scratch on your arm. Your sharpened nails plucked at the skin. The darkened red bits of healing wounds were reopened. A fresh trail of trickling blood steadily streaked down your arm.

"Ah, shit."

You stood up and mumbled an apology. In the bathroom, you began washing your hands in the bathroom sink, so you could address the problem. Out in the kitchen, Hyunjin was doing the same thing. With hands still damp from hastily drying them with the kitchen towel, he walked into the bathroom and gently tugged your wrist again.

The uncomfortable feeling of humiliation crept inside as Hyunjin observed your bleeding arm. Lately, you found yourself doing things without even realizing it. Digging your nails along your skin and creating scratches. Gnawing at the sides of your nails and ripping off perfectly healthy skin.

A few days ago, you began to pluck at the end of your eyebrow. You didn't realize it until Hyunjin came home and pointed it out. On the side of your head, beneath a top layer of hair, there was a bald patch growing back. It never really registered what you were doing until it was too late.

Wound tight with anxiety, you floated away from reality and let yourself meander a river of worry. Your fingers moved without realizing it. Your body was desperate to soothe itself even when you were consciously away from the driver's seat of your brain.

Hyunjin didn't mind pointing it out. He knew how you could be and if anything, he was happy he could get you to stop. Pulling you out of that cloudy blank daze and helping bring you back to reality. He was careful with every movement. He didn't want to startle or injure you more.

"You really don't have to do this," you mumbled.

"I know I don't have to, but I want to."

You stayed silent and let him rinse the blood off your arm. You watched him clean up, disinfect, and bandage the scratch on your forearm. It had been healing for the past few days. The other day, you dug your nails into the delicate skin. When you scraped your nails down, your skin came with it. Pulled from your thoughts by the feeling of warm blood beneath your fingers, you realized you had injured yourself yet again.

You knew it was nothing to be ashamed of. Hyunjin was a constant reminder of that. There was no judgment from him whatsoever. However, every time he caught you doing it, you felt like a child upsetting a parent. He hadn't made it known that he was annoyed with your behavior, but you were sure he felt that way deep down.

The thought nagged at you while he threw the last bits of band-aid paper into the trash can. He hummed softly beneath his breath and washed his hands like it wasn't a big deal. Suds filled his hands and the scent of citrus hit your nose.

"Why are you never mad at me?" You finally snapped. You didn't mean for it to come off so snarky, but you didn't understand why he was so cool, calm, and collected about your behavior. In your head, it was inexcusable.

"Why would I be?" He asked cooly. His face remained neutral and he dried his hands on a hand towel.

"Aren't you annoyed or angry or, I don't know, upset maybe? Sometimes I'm aware I do it, but I continue doing it. I don't care if it hurts. It just....I don't know!" You threw up your hands exasperated. "Why are you so okay with it?"

Hyunjin eyed you for a moment. You still couldn't read his thoughts. He kept his face neutral until he cocked his head to the side. "What if it was me?"

"Huh?"

"If I did what you did. If I picked and plucked and tore and scraped and scratched; would you be annoyed or upset?"

"No!" Your head shook frantically. "Of course, I wouldn't be like that."

"Why not?"

"Because you're you. I love you and you deserve compassion. I'd never want you to feel like you were doing something wrong and I-" You paused for a moment. "Oh."

The side of Hyunjin's lips tugged into the start of a smile. "Yeah, exactly. Do I think you should do it? No, but I understand why you're doing it."

"I don't know how to stop," you finally admitted.

"I was doing some research the other day and they said it helps if you wear gloves. However, I know that's not always a possibility because you hate gloves. There was another article I found about keeping your hands busy."

"So like a stress ball?"

"That's one option, but I was thinking of something else." He laced his fingers through yours and began to pull you away from the bathroom. "You know how you always like my art? You're always wishing you could create art as well as I do?"

"Yeah."

He pulled you into your bedroom and retrieved a plastic bag from beneath the bed. He handed it to you and let you open it. You stared at it cautiously and then glanced up at him.

"Go ahead and open it. It's not going to hurt you or anything. Come on," he grinned, "you'll love it."

You stuck your hand inside and began to pull out objects. A sketchpad was followed by a bright pink eraser and a pack of fancy pencils Hyunjin always used to create sketches. He beamed when a smile appeared on your face.

"You got these for me?"

"You've been wanting to do art for a while now. I can help teach you and I created a YouTube video playlist of videos I first watched when I created art. When I'm not around, you'll be able to watch them and learn."

You opened your mouth to say something, but he cut you off.

"I know it might not help entirely, but it's a good distraction. If you start this and don't like it, I've been talking to Felix. He sent over some of the recipes he makes a lot. Maybe you could give baking a shot?" He offered.

Tears began to fill your eyes from the warmth that fluttered through your heart.

"What?" His face fell. "Do you not like this? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." He rushed towards you and began to wipe away your tears. "I don't want to seem overbearing and like I'm trying to fix you. That's not what I'm trying to do, I swear! I-I just want to help you."

You laughed at his distress. He paused upon seeing your reaction. You sniffled and shook your head. Pulling away, you began to speak.

"I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm not sad, I'm so happy. You didn't have to do all this for me. I'm so grateful and I feel so overwhelmed."

"So they're happy tears?"

You nodded and laughed again. More tears streamed down your cheeks. A smile began to grow on Hyunjin's face again.

"Thank you for caring about me."

"I'll always care about you." He leaned over and wrapped his arms around you. "I'll do anything to see you happy. I love you."

"I love you too."