Peachy

Part 23. Uncontrollable Tears

3 Days Earlier

Travelling back from Barcelona was a blur. It felt like an out of body experience. It was like I was on autopilot to just make it home, get as far away from there as I could. I managed to get on a flight within an hour of arriving at the airport. All I wanted was to be out of there, so hearing the lady at the check in desk say there was space on the next flight made me breathe freely. Even if it was just for a brief moment, it allowed me to let out a fleeting sigh of relief. Apart from that, I think I must have held my breath for the entire flight. One wrong move and I would have melted into a sea of my own tears and I knew once they started, they would never stop.

Taylor had planned to travel back to stay with Matt for a while, so I knew with me leaving, she would be ok. She was so happy, I didn't want to spoil this last special night away together that they had.

Now I was finally home...well if I could really call it home? Not forgetting this was a brand new place and the movers had probably just dumped the boxes wherever they pleased. God knows what I'd be walking into. The last thing I wanted to do was start unpacking, but who knows, maybe it would help me clear my head and keep my mind busy.

Something was stopping me walking through that door. Instead I was sat out on the front step as the sun rose up. There was a chill in the air but I welcomed it on my skin, something about it steadied my breath and made me feel something other than heartache for just a second.

It was early morning, so I was hoping Leah was still asleep and I could sneak off into my new room, whatever there was of it and just sleep. As I open the door I prepare myself for mess but instead, I'm surprised to see that apart from a few odd boxes, everything is tidied away and it actually looks so cosy. Leah had been hard at work to make it perfect for us both. As I make it to my room I can see that even my room has been tidied so well, with the bed made and even some of my things unpacked.

I close the door behind me and rather than the relief I was expecting to feel with being back, I immediately fall to the floor. I can no longer hold in the heartbreak and tears well up from deep inside and begin to spill down my cheeks. I wipe away at the tears but it's no use they just keep coming, pouring out of me. How did he let me walk away so easy? Why couldn't he fight for me? I'm so angry and hurt and yet all I want to be is in his arms. Gut wrenching sobs tear through my chest. My whole body is shaking and my vision is blurred. I pull my knees up to my chest and pull my head in close, closing my eyes, praying that holding myself tight enough will be enough to stop it. Stop the tears, stop everything, but it doesn't stop. The tears keeping coming, uncontrollable tears that feel like they will never end.

Somehow I make it to the bed and curl up in a ball. My whole body aches for rest and even the puddle of tears on my pillow aren't going to stop that. I close my eyes as the tears continue to fall, on and on until they don't and I'm asleep.

************************

"Hallie?" I open my eyes and Leah is at the end of the bed with a huge smile on her face.

"Mmhm" I manage to mumble.

"What on earth are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you yet.. not that it's not a nice surprise!" She blurts out faster than my half asleep mind can keep up with.

I sit up and stare at her blankly. For a minute I'm just as confused as she is. Then it hits me, the last few weeks, everything all at once like a ton of bricks. Before I can speak, the tears are back like they never left. I look up at Leah, who rushes to my side, her face full of worry and confusion. I rest my head in her lap and embrace the comfort I so desperately need.

"I love him so much Leah, more than I ever thought I could love anyone." I whimper softly between cries.

That's all I needed to say and she doesn't push for anything more than that, she just holds me close till my tears run out.

"Babe, you're shaking. Let me make you some food? I can't imagine you've eaten." She says getting to her feet.

"I really don't feel like eating, I feel sick." I shake my head.

"You need to, even if it's just a snack. Give me a minute." I roll my eyes at her.

"Yes boss." I reply.

With that, she rushes out the door and I can hear her clambering around in the kitchen doing god knows what. I lay there, still in the exact same spot she left me in, waiting to see what she comes up with, even though the thought of eating anything right now was turning my stomach.

"Ta daaaaa" Leah exclaims as she enters with a wooden tray filled to the brim with so many of my favourite things. Crisps and dip, sweets, biscuits, cheese and crackers, anything she could find she has piled on this tray.

"I stocked the place with lots of your favourites for when you got back. I wanted it to feel like home." She continues with a small humble smile.

She really is the sweetest. I almost feel guilty. She's gone to all this effort to make this place no short of perfect for us and this is the version of myself I'm giving her. She had probably hoped for such a different response and I hope she knew even though I was struggling to show it in this moment, I really did appreciate her so much.

I sit up and give her a weak smile. "Thank you. The place really is beautiful too, it really was a lovely surprise."

Her face immediately lights up, she's so pleased I noticed. "I was happy to do it! I wanted it to be as homey as possible. Now shall we put a film on and have a feast?"

"Sounds good. I just need to text Tay. She's probably about to wake up and realise I'm not there." I say as I wince at the thought of upsetting her.

"Want me to call her?" Leah suggests.

"Yes please." Thank god she offered. It was one less thing that I needed to worry about.

"No problem give me a minute." She says as she walks out the bedroom.

My legs feel weak as I climb to my feet and reach for my bag to find my phone. It had been switched off since my flight but something inside of me was desperate to see if there was anything from Jax. Wanting and hoping for something, anything really. I couldn't help myself.

As my phone turns on, a single text appears on the Home Screen. My heart pounds in my chest as I see it's Jax. How can I still feel hopeful after everything that was said and done?

My heart quickly sinks right back down, deep in my stomach. Two words only, which read..

I'm sorry.